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Jokes
The Equipment
A
couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband
liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One
morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and
decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the
boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his
boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are
you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself,
'Is this guy blind, or what?' "You're in a restricted fishing area,"
he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in
and write you up." "If you do that I will charge you with rape,"
snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the
sheriff. "Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment.
The Lawyer
A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off
to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes
flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding
off.
Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops. Five minutes
later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions,
the lawyer starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, My beautiful silver
Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply
never be the same again!"
After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in
disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyer's are,"
he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer. The
policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off
when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "Bloody hell!" he screams.
"Where's my Rolex?
The Roof Top
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week.
When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat
up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were
away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news
to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on
the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could
have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up.
Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
PSYCHOLOGY STUDENT
A shy but handsome fellow was at a club and sees a beautiful woman
seated alone at the bar.
After an hour of screwing up his courage he heads over to her and
asks tentatively, "Uh, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the poor guy
is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he meanders back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200 an hour!"
Ubiquitous Professor from
hell
Introductory Chemistry at
Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk
(really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as
"Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past
him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were
these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on
all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going
into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so
confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week
(even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to
UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and
had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they
overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early
monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was
to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they
missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that
they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make
up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and
relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at
the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms
and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They
looked at the first problem, which was something simple about
molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought,
"this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned
the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the
next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?
Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted
stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the
corner of his eye. It reads: Sisters of mercy, house of prostitution
- 10 miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and
drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which
says: Sisters of mercy, house of prostitution - 5 miles and realizes
that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign
saying: Sisters of mercy, house of prostitution - next right. His
curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small
sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps
and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw
your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through
many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops
at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He
does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a
long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place
$50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of
this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through
the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him,
he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the sisters of mercy...
The witty
chauffeur
When Albert Einstein was
making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself
eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as
they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein
mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in
looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have and
idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so
many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed
loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the
dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in
the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of
Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a
supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question
about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let
everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without
missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely
stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that
I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for
me."
Spot!
A young man
was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the
young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous
about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at
the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem
developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the
canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second
longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out
the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's
feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let
another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll
feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the
mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
The Punishment
Three
men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The
cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a
trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get
ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate
ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king,
"I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him.
"You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on
your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the
second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one
arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the
trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out
in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in
heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away
with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the
third guy coming back with a pineapple".
Poor old man!
Once
upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from
Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she
couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing
where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing
home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork,
a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting
slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on
his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started
leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on
his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time, the
nurse strapped him into the chair, About this time, his wife, having
completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you
like the place?" "It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me
fart.
A Funny
Letter
MEMORANDUM TO: All Staff
FROM: Management
DATE: 12 August 1996
SUBJECT: EARLY RETIREMENT
Due to
the current financial situation, Management has decided to implement
a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme
will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Persons
selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After RetiremenT). Persons who have been
RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme
for Retired Early Workers). A Person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED
twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income
for Dependents of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earning for Retired
Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS of
HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED by Management. Persons staying
on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as
possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT
it gives its staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough
SHIT please bring it to the attention of your Manager. He has been
trained to give you all the SHIT that you can handle.
A Patel Joke
A Patel
walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He
says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new
Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything
checks out, and the bank, agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.Two weeks later, the man returns, repays
the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer
says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?" The Patel replied, "Where else in New York can I park my
car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Nurse Nancy
Two
doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse
Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up." said one doctor. "She does
everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give
a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10
milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!" The second
doctor said "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a
patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in
one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly they hear this
bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Omigod!" said the first
doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's
boil!"
Sauerkraut
A doctor
started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this
started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his
wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her
to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and
have the baby over there. "But, how will you know when our baby is
born?" she asked. "Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just
send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back". Not knowing
what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six
months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his
office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail
today", she explained. "I don't understand what it means!" "Just
wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that
evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard which said:
"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE
WITHOUT!"
Nuts
A preacher
visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the
couch he sees a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if
I have a few?" he asks. "No not at all," the woman replied. They
chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes
that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he's emptied most of the
bowl. "I'm sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to
eat a few, " stated the preacher. "Oh, that's all right," replied
the woman. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the
chocolate off of them."
The rooster
An old
farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The
current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on
in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt
anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium,
and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the
young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're
trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do
something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So
you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot
stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.
I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you
to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten
times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for
himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he
definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're
on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll
even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said
the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to the hen house to
start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race
begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the
first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the
second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still
hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to
slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in
front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the
commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to
the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.
When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen
house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He
immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young
rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........
"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this
month."
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