Tell Tale Signs

You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

-You answer the door before people knock.
-Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
-You ski uphill.
-You start each day with a brisk, 30-minute jog around the bathroom
-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
-You speed walk in your sleep.
-You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
-You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
-You sleep with your eyes open.
-You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
-The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
-You lick your coffeepot clean.
-You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
-You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
-You chew on other people's fingernails.
-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
-Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
-You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
-You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
-You can jump-start your car without cables.
-Cocaine is a downer.
-All your kids are named "Joe".
-You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
-Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
-You don't sweat, you percolate.
-You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
-You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
-You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
-Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
-People get dizzy just watching you.
-You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
-The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
-Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
-Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
-You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
-People can test their batteries in your ears.
-Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
-Instant coffee takes too long.
-You channel surf faster without a remote.
-When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
-You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
-You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
-Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
-You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
-You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
-You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
-You get drunk just so you can sober up.
-You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
-Your Thermos is on wheels.
-Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
-You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running
-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
-You short out motion detectors.
-You have a conniption over spilled milk.
-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
-You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
-You don't tan, you roast.
-You don't get mad, you get steamed.
-Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
-Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
-You can't even remember your second cup.
-You help your dog chase its tail.
-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
-Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
-You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
-You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You are a Computer Nerd when

1. If you did an error-free installation of Windows 95.
2. When your modem starts smoking.
3. If no one can reach you by phone since your computer is always online.
4. If you log-off your system because it's time to go to work.
5. If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.
6. If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.
7. If you can locate a particular home page without using a search engine.
8. If you can write your own html page.
9. If you can access more than 20 erotic no-pay sites.
10. If you download more than 20Mb of from a binary newsgroup, in one session.
11. If while reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better look at a photograph.
12. You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.
13. If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.
14. When someone tells you to remember something, and you look for File/Save command.
15. When you discover there is no little car icon with a forward arrow on the dashboard of your car, to make it go.
16. When you think the File/Kill command should apply to your system administrator.
17. When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.
18. When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home
19. If you have a heart attack when you forgot to pay your phone bill and receive a "pending disconnection of service" notice.
20. When you order most of what you buy... online.
21. If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.
22. When you find yourself engaged to someone you've never actually met; except through e-mail.
23. When you log-off from a session in your favorite newsgroup... and your log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24 minutes.
24. If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're exceeding 300 hours a month, connect time.
25. When you add your third modem and dedicated phone line.
26. You access Microsoft's Web page every Sunday morning for Brother Bill's sermon.
27. When that 112Gb hard drive is full.
28. If 133 Mhz is simply too slow.
29. When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.
30. If you have an "online" light installed on your car to tell you when the engine is running.
31. When you discover that in order to drive your car somewhere, you do not enter an http:// or ftp:// address.
32. If you can actually talk to the computers in your new car - and understand what they say.
33. When you modify the programming of your car's computers and actually get better mileage.
34. When you can access the Net - via your portable and cellular phone.
35. If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.
36. If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.
37. When you put a CD-ROM in your car's player.
38. When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very disappointed to find it's on TV.
39. If every sentence you utter begins with, "On the Net..."
40. If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes.
41. If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary.
42. When you insist on seeing the movie "The Net" - for the 63rd time.
43. If magazines like "InternetWorld" are of greater interest than "Playboy" or "Playgirl".
44. If you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses.
45. If you use more than 20 passwords.
46. If you set up your own Web page.
47. If you set up a Web page for each of your kids... and your pets.
48. If, instead of a phone number, you ask someone for their e-mail address.
49. If you don't know anyone who DOESN'T have an e-mail addresses.
50. If, to you, 'safe sex' means doing it online.
51. If you convince your mom that she HAS to get online because e-mail is so much cheaper than long distance phone charges.
52. If you can write a list like this.
53. If you can relate to a list like this.

You might be addicted to the internet if...
1. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll top to bottom.
2. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
3. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
4. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity or phone lines.
5. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
6. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
7. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
8. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
9. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
10. When you turn off your modem, you get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."
12. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au."
13. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
14. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
15. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
16. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
17. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
18. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
19. Your dog has its own home page.
20. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
21. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
22. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
23. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
24. You refer to your age as 3.x.
25. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
26. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
27. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
28. You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
29. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
30. You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
31. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
32. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
33. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom--and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
34. You move into a new house & decide to Netscape before you landscape.
35. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
36. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
37. Your friends no longer send you e-mail; they just log on to your IRC channel.
38. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with built-in keyboard & mouse.
39. Your wife's new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
40. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
41. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
42. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
43. You forget what year it is.
44. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
45. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
46. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
47. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
48. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your 1st instinct is: search for the "back" button.

You Are Not Getting Along With Your Computer When...
1. There are keyboard markings embedded in your forehead.
2. The store where you bought your computer has a restraining order against you.
3. A cat outside your window was crushed by a flying bubble-jet printer.
4. The book "Windows 95 for Dummies" mentions you in the author's foreword.
5. Your favorite pastime is using America Online floppy disks for skeet shooting.

You might be a child of the 80's if...
1. you have deep, personal relationships via computers with people you've never met in real life before
2. the phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis
3. you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song
4. not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention
5. you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thank you very much
6. you think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade, and people's sexual orientation
7. the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories
8. you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica"
9. songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day
10. three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
11. you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
12. you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend"
13. you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV
14. you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market
15. a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid"
16. you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about
17. you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad
18. while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again
19. you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was
20. one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure
21. "What WAS that head on the door thing anyway?"
22. you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone"
23. you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it"
24. you can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well
25. you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
26. you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse
27. you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut"
28. you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time
29. you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases:
    • "When I was younger"
    • "When I was your age"
    • "You know, back when..."
    • "Because I SAID so, that's why"
    • "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?"
    • "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to"
30. you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from
31. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language
32. Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am"
33. you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.
34. flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart
35. the first time you heard the candidates names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.
36. you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video
37. at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm
38. "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance
39. the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna
40. there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter"
41. you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons
42. you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr.T made millions seemed rational to you at the time
43. you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete
44. the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter
45. you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake
46. honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
47. you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands
48. you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely
49. (guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats
50. (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo
51. you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party
52. you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about it's possibility
53. you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there...and gee, is that a suede bag...those shoes leather, too?"
54. you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for
55. you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires
56. you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age
57. your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting"
58. this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters...you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.
59. you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."
60. you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?
61. you can't remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn't mean going to an electrical warehouse
62. you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all
63. you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree
64. you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there"
65. going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up
66. you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry
67. you're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't REALLY for guy's going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penis. That's not YOU.
68. you're starting to get that "why aren't you married yet" shpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married
69. you've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so
70. you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more
71. (mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first
72. you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon
73. U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now
74. you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation
75. When somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end
76. you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene
77. you ever used the phrase "don't make me angry...you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.
78. you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man
79. you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital)
80. you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there"
81. you're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.
82. you know who shot J.R.
83. this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."