Tomorrow is the first day of winter. I'm angry/sad. I was being unrealistic. Jocks and (former) band geeks don't mix well. I should know that. Why on earth I was actually interested in a football player, I don't know. >=(
12/17/03
While cleaning my room today, I came across a few items that made my internal conflict cease for the moment. All this time I've been focusing on all the horrible things that scarred me, and in the process I forgot about all about the nice, compassionate things. That's really not fair. But I still don't know how to deal with it.
12/15/03
Ten days til Christmas. My grandmother says she doesn't like the word "Christmas" because it commercializes Christ. I guess it's something to think about. But I don't really understand it.
12/13/03
My brother is the new drum major! And my GPA is 4.0! So it's All Good. Except the whole 'raining on the parade' thing.
12/11/03
I finally figured it out. There is always a root to a problem. Mine is fear. Not the person. My own fear. No, don't even start with the presidential quotes. Christmas break so far is ok. I'm getting to sleep late. But I must reluctantly apply for a job soon. All things must end some time or another.
12/8/03
Today I got extremely upset. No, not because I had to wait for nearly an hour. But because I saw something completely disturbing. Why can't that be against the law? It's against God's law. But apparantly they don't care about God. Not many people do these days. It's times like these where I sing whole heartedly, "I'm kinda homesick for a country to which I've never been before."
12/8/03
So it's 12:37 right now. I can't sleep. I'm giving advice/analyzations again. Why on earth do people ask me about things I have no experience in? How should I know? There goes my high on life. Right out the shadows of the window blinds.
12/7/03
Well this isn't right. It's a Sunday. And I'm in my dorm room. No, I didn't skip church. I don't feel all that well either. I hope I'm not sick tomorrow. It's my last school day of this semester. It feels so weird that it's already over. College isn't what I expected it to be. Last summer, I looked forward to now as when my 'real, unsuppressed self'' would take over. This is not so. I still have people problems. I'm still run over. I'm still waiting for that time when I decide to take charge. I'm always letting other people drive my life. It's not even in the typical parental way. I like my parents; I don't resent what they tell me. I just want to be able to be nice without being run over. Is that possible?
12/6/03
I was right. Yesterday was a very good day. Today is a good day too. =D Now it needs to snow. And I need to make an A on my biology final. Yep, that would be good. Have you noticed a trend in my writings? I seem to sound more shallow every day. This must stop. But I find that when I don't think as much, I'm happier. So difficult.
12/5/03
I'm really suppose to be thinking about an essay right now. But if I think about it too much, it will get too complicated and I'll be angry with myself for trying to write the "Great American Essay" in English class. I can tell already that today will be a good day. And even if it isn't, I will make an excuse to say it is. I mean, what could be better than crayons and Elf? Nevermind. That sounds stupid. Consider the person writing this, aka me. No common sense at all. But who really needs common sense anyway?
12/4/03
Patience. It is the word of the day. Ok, now onto other things. Chicken parmasan is the best of all the cafeteria foods I have eaten so far. Of course chicken by itself is good too. But not as good as chicken parmasan. Hmmm I'm getting hungry now. I really need to get away from the food subject. I guess you know what I'm thinking of. A diet of cheese crackers can really make a person go crazy.
12/3/03
Raisins for breakfast. What will they think of next? Well, its been fun and all, but I'm feeling a bit unwell. Must be the raisins. Not to mention all the studying I have to do tonight. How on earth am I suppose to convert from rectangular to polar? O now I remember: cosine, sine, and r. Whatever r is. R is for raisins! (uh-oh it seems I've gone over the deep end.) To be continued...
12/2/03
It's Dead Day. Why do they call it that? Its so morbid. As for me, I have trouble studying for long periods of time. So I'm taking a break. Yes, I know I use sentence fragments. I realized something really funny today. I forgot to pack all my clothes...lol. Fortunately, I had some extra. Don't worry. I'm not about to walk out of here if I'm not fully dressed.
12/1/03
The candy cane: one of the greatest inventions to hit America. What would life be without candy canes? boring for sure. The challenge is eating one without breaking the hook. Ah, the simple pleasures of Christmastime. On different note, today has turned out pretty good. I feel one of my daydreamy moods coming on. Which means more running into walls. One day I'm going to remember than I can't cut corners in a building.
11/30/03
Warning: I'm about to complain. Why can't I just live my life in peace? But no. I have to feel like I'm in one of those horror movies. It's ridiculous! My solution: move really really far away. But I don't want to move. I'm beginning to think I should put some barbed wire around my window. Not that that's comforting either.
11/29/03
Ick. Writer's block. What to write? I don't know. Christmas decorations are up. Ok I'm done...I'm bored. Please excuse this entry.
11/28/03
Shopping day is so crazy. Too many people in my opinion. But you gotta do what you gotta do. And I'm having an extended case of procrastination. I'm not quite ready for finals. I just can't bring myself to study. Don't worry. I'll have an extended case of stress next week to make up for it.
11/26/03
I'm having weird dreams again. But I don't really mind. It's a chance to live an another life. I must admit that my dream self is bolder than the real me. It's fun while it lasts, but sometime or another I'm going to wake up. It's possible for dreams to come true though. I just happen to know that.
11/24/03
AAAAIEEE!!! Ok, I'm ok now....I think...Anyways. I have this sudden urge to break my fingers just so I don't have to play that song again. But no song, no money. That's how it works. Of course considering I don't play well with an audience it may be 'song, but no money.' I thought it would all be ok after I got that essay written, but noooooo. It has to get all complicated. I'm tired of typing. I think I'm getting a hand cramp.
11/23/03
Dum dum dum! The computer virus strikes again! Leaving Rebekah's computer maimed and the essay she's trying to write trapped! What will our heroine do now?! A) Write the essay on another computer B) Give the computer some antibiotics C) Throw the computer off the deck or D) Nothing. I'll let you figure it out.
11/22/03
Well here I am sitting in the den listening to my brother and dad yell at the tv screen. Yes, the 'big game' is on. Here is the extent of my excitement: 'go auburn. woo. yay.' I just can't get into football unless I'm there. It's all in the atmosphere. The games I've been to this year were my high school's. And just so you know, we had a 2-8 record. I prefer not to use the pronoun 'we' in this case...after all I'm not there anymore am I? Luckily my college's team is much better.
11/21/03
I'm afraid. Why does it seem like I always take the easy way out? It's like I'm afraid to make an argument for my beliefs for fear of destroying peace. It's a false peace if it's built on nothing but silence. There's my tragic flaw. Right out there where everyone can see it.
11/20/03
''Change is the only constant." Why? Did I mention I hate that question? But I find myself using the very word I hate constantly. Bad habit. I know. Change is constant; therefore history repeats itself. It doesn't seem to end. History=Now. For one thing, who ever thought the horrible sound of the 80's synthesizer would come back? Somehow No Doubt makes this accomplishment while fooling everyone into thinking they're hearing a new sound. This is the shallow side of my argument, as if you can't tell. I prefer not to talk about the deeper. Some things appear to stay the same: how predictable aren't we all? I can only assume you had a preconception of this entry: music reference, questions, a bit of sarcasm...and all of a sudden you realize that maybe by talking about these things, I am not saying a lot. I really have no idea if you understood that last sentence at all...I'm not always the best at expressing ideas.
11/19/03
It's a great day. Just the right temperature. A little bit of rain. There's something friendly about today. Odd day to be friendly. Rain is suppose to be symbolic for depression. I don't believe that. Rain is somewhat comforting to me. Maybe it's the rhythm. Maybe its the feeling. It makes me feel like I'm in an old movie. So classic. Good news: 97!!!! 'big sigh of relief'.' Those essays can be brutal. Question: Must everyone take a point of view on every issue? Even a simple question like "So how do you like school?" throws me into internal debate. Sometimes I don't think people consciously decide to form opinions. Unfortunately there are many people in the world who have to make an argument out of everything.
11/18/03 Part II
I had something enlightening to write...really, I did. But I think it would be plagaristic(if that's a word.) Is anything really original? It's a rarity if it is. But anyways, I was going to discuss the future. Broad topic, I admit. At least I hope. If in fact one could see into the future, he or she would probably alter it by trying to fulfil it. It's not true for Oedipus, but I'm speaking from my point of view. This is not original at all. When I get into this mode I usually think of something a classmate use to say: "You're unique just like everybody else."
11/18/03
Something is really messed up today...First of all, why did the alarm go off at 3:45 this morning? Then why does it feel like people stare at me? Maybe it's just me being self-concious. The alarm still boggles my mind, though. But it does seem like people stare at me. Do I look funny or something? What is so different about me? Other people have long hair too, ya know. I suppose one day I'll find the courage to ask one of them. Then they'll deny it. And I'll realize I was just being silly.
11/17/03
When you read this, what do I sound like? I often find that when I read things I hear a variant of my own voice. I'm not speaking figuratively, so stop analyzing. I guess what I really mean is that people don't sound like they write. I write what I think, but seldom would I actually speak this way. I'm going in circles, aren't I? Well I could make it complicated and go in hexagons...Fine Fine, I'll stop.
11/15/03
Advice for the day: Listen to that little voice. If it's talking, it probably has something to say. I'm not talking about schitzophrenia (sp?). Remember in the Biblical account of Elijah: God was the still small voice. Not the wind or the earthquake or the fire.
11/13/03
I'm about to say something un-Rebekah: "Country music is awesome!" It's the strangest thing. When I listen to country music it puts me in a good mood. This is over a limited period of time I've discovered this, mind you. It can all just be a phase. But who knew? Now all I need to do is go hunting once and I'll be an authentic country girl. That reminds me...I miss fishing. But you can just forget it if I have to bait my own hook.
11/12/03
Well, I guess I better figure out how to write a research paper... considering it's due in two days. Something's missing...I think it's the sound of music. I can't work without my background music! I'm beginning to sound like one of those serious artists. Only without the French accent. I can change that too. =D
11/11/03
Mark that one off the list too. You know what? My list is practically non-existent now. All I have is the subject heading. You don't know what I'm talking about do you? That's good. You're not suppose to. Anyways. Today I spent way too much time at the copier. I'll probably get cancer from all those bright lights and rays. But I want a good grade, right? Right.
11/10/03
Don't you just hate it when you're wrong? I do. I'm often wrong. And so it goes. I just don't get it sometimes. 'It' as in everything.
11/7/03
O What a Headache!! I feel so bad that I ordered a pizza. I would probably do that even if I didn't have a headache too. But that's ok. This week I will be buried in notebooks. Too many things to do. (and look at me, I'm wasting time typing.) Ok, maybe I wouldn't be buried. But I dream that one day I will have a day off. I have a nightmare that that won't ever happen.
11/6/03
I'm once again in my Broadway mood. It's a really cool mood. You should try it sometime. Unless you detest music. Which I think is really weird. But then you might think I'm really weird. So consider it mutual. 'Edelweiss, Edelweiss, every morning you greet me' la la la la. Aww how pretty.
11/4/03
You know that classic scene in movies where the girl is walking down the sidewalk and a car speeds by, splashing collected rain water onto her? Well, that really happens. Of course I'm the girl who didn't have enough sense to move the other way. Get this: it happened twice. Must be an omen...I predict that I will now move to the other side of the sidewalk when it rains. (And if I don't, I've got to be pretty stupid...or just common senseless...which I partly am.)
11/3/03
I finally decided to listen to myself today. Why didn't you tell me how incredibly shallow I am? Or at least how shallow I sound? I like to imagine that I'm complex. Unique. But I find myself fitting a stereotype. I'm not sure which one yet. This bothers me to an extreme. How to break away from it....? I'll let you give me advice. Not that you'll give any. Just answer one question for me: Who am I?
10/31/03 Part 2
Yesterday I somehow fell into the depressing state again. It was set off strangely enough. It progressively subsided though. I'm out of the state now, so it doesn't really matter. Mainly I'm sleepy. I stayed up watching 'The Robe.' The book is better. Books are usually better. Maybe I should pick up reading again. I don't know if I can.
10/31/03
Halloween. Great. Personally I don't like the celebration. What's to celebrate? Basically its like an ancient Greek religious festival. No meaning anymore. Just ritual. It just asks for trouble. People dressed in costumes running around late at night is not only dangerous, it looks kinda stupid too. I bet TP companies love Halloween.
10/29/03
Guess what I did today. I managed to lock my keys in the dorm room. "How did that happen?" you ask. I'm not exactly sure. I think I just forgot my keys and my roomate locked the door. Simple. I'm just That forgetful. Not that I forget everything. Just the obvious things. I remember the quadratic equation. It does seem like if I could remember that, I could remember my keys.
10/28/03
I embarrass myself. Isn't that horrible? "I'm a hazard to myself. Don't let me get me" la la la. Anyways...How did I get to be so anti-social? I'm not even doing it on purpose this time. Maybe its like a cold: Incurable, but eventually will go away. I dunno. It's not logical. And we all know how logical I am.
10/27/03
Having trouble with that song again. Same thing: lack of emotion. Maybe I just don't show my emotions well. Or maybe I show them so well that I run out. I don't know. Amorous I am not today. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
10/26/03
It's almost Christmas!! Yay!! Time to bring out the Christmas CDs!! Yay again!! And "A Christmas Story" marathon on TNT!! Only 60 more days....or did I count that right? I don't know. O well. (That rhymes with Noel)
10/25/03
Isn't October great? Well, aside from the 80 degree weather. I will finally admit that I like school. But I definitely don't mind coming home. Even if there Is a bank robber on the loose.
10/24/03
I'm thinking I should take a nap. Just thinking. I agree with myself. So I shall. Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't have any epiphanies to share today. Maybe tomorrow.
10/23/03
I'm always so...technical...practical...programmed. The scientific answer to this: I am the first robot-human hybrid. (Correction: Singing robot-human hybrid.) The real answer: It's just me. Next question to ponder: Right brained or left brained? The obvious answer to this: I use too many colons. :::::
10/22/03
So....what am I suppose to be talking about today? I don't know. Nothing really unusual. I'm ready to watch Everwood. It makes me feel all sobby. Sappy. whatever. One of those stereotypical 'girl' feelings.
10/21/03
It is possible. I always assumed it wasn't...I guess I just didn't have enough data. This is a good thing in case you didn't know. It doesn't really hurt anymore. All these years of complaining...maybe I never really knew what I wanted. Maybe I still don't. Time shall tell.
10/20/03
It's so funny how time will make you forget. It's almost like all the resentment never happened. I don't know...in the past week I just feel like a lot of my problems are gone. Maybe they are. Or maybe its me. As for me, I'm cold right now. It feels like 60 degrees in here! (ok, so that's not really That cold. I believe that I am beginning to like college. I hope this isn't just another one of my phases. But it probably is. And so it goes.
10/18/03
Angry? maybe. Feeling a bit naive? yes. But this time is different. I don't have to put up with it. And I won't. Deception only works on the ignorant.
10/17/03
Question: music, math, or english? or should I have a minor at all? I like music, but only as recreation. I like math, but I don't like geometry. The only reason I would get an English minor is to decorate a resume and because its easier to get. I'm thinking... O the choices college brings about: which classes? which career? which teacher? drive or walk? study biology or study history? Peanut butter and cheese or wheat and cheese? Scientific or graphing? They just go on and on and on. I think I'm going to take a nap now.
10/15/03
It's been a year now...hard to believe, huh? Technically it was a year yesterday, but I think it was today when I found out. I think that is the most upset I have ever been in my life. Death has a strange effect on those left behind. I don't suppose the pain ever goes away. It might temporarily subside, but in the quiet moments it drifts back.
10/14/03
Do I really look That scared? I had no idea my shyness radiated so much. They talk to me as if I was an animal or a little girl. I always seem to have that effect of people. My expression is this odd combination of timid and "look at me and die." Amusing isn't it. I suppose that could contribute to my lack of social interaction.
I should find that hilarious...but I don't.
10/13/03
Remind me to stop my useless anticipation next time. Usually the best things that happen to me are the unexpected. I say usually because there has been a rare occasion to disagree. Then again, it is rare. It is not fair to exclude my annual New Year's Eve party, though. That is one of those planned "good days."
10/11/03
Tomorrow is especially promising...or there is always the possibility it will lead into a broken recordish thought of 'how could I be so stupid?' I prefer the former. I'm trying very hard not to be stupid. (What a statement!)Stupidity, however, is somewhat involuntary. I'm rather familiar with it.
10/9/03
I have been having some majorly weird dreams lately. The sky was tie-dyed. But that's cool. The piano was defective anyway. =D I have an opinion about emoticons. Messenger emoticons may be all artistic and stuff, but the originals are so classic. You can't mess with the classics.
10/8/03
"Oops there goes another rubber tree plant!" Fine Frank, I won't give up.
10/7/03
I miss my guitar. My piano is getting on my nerves currently. Instead of writer's block, I'm having pianist's block. Perhaps I'm lacking emotion. "Liebestraum: Dream of Love." Every few measures its "con passione." Let's just say I have trouble imagining emotion. It just doesn't work.
10/6/03
I don't know what started this chain reaction of bad. All I know is that I am being conquered by writing and music. I'm suppose to be good at those. But I guess I'm not. "This is good, but not good enough." I just love the way that the essay is written with cruel irony. Perhaps it was meant to be that way.
10/2/03
I'm growing depressed again. I know why, too. I suppose it makes the cure easier to find that way. I miss being in band. I don't know if its the music or the people. Maybe both. I just don't know if I have enough time for it though. I wonder if I do get back in it next year if I'll be too stressed though. So which is worse: being stressed or depressed? Oh look. That rhymes.
10/1/03
Why is it that everytime I come home I can't sleep? I'm tired right up until I go to bed. And then I wake up. Now I'm sleepy again. Just watch: as soon as I lie down, I'll be wide awake again. Why does this have to be so complicated? (Go ahead and start singing. I know you want to.)
9/30/03
Well my car is running on empty. This is not a good thing. (Well, duh.) I guess I'll be walking tomorrow. I need to exercise anyway. I'm still a little paranoid about crosswalks...I only assume that the car will stop so I can cross. Just think: the Beatles were risking their lives. Ok, so they probably had all the roads around them blocked off. I'm just saying.
9/29/03
I don't know if it was because I got so frustrated yesterday or because I just don't have the ability, but I had a horrible piano lesson today. I know the songs, but my memory was not cooperating with me. I can't believe I messed up that badly. I've got to play in front of the class friday. I only pray I improve between now and then.
9/28/03
Ok, I'm getting perturbed about this whole quiet thing: "Quiet people are the ones you gotta look out for." Yeah, I've heard it all. Loud people like to dominate the stage, so I let them. What is the sense in being loud? Sometimes being invisible has its benefits.
An occasional spotlight is needed, though. It makes a person feel like maybe they have a place in life. Argh. There I go contradicting myself. I hate it when that happens.
9/25/03
Tomorrow will be my first semi-public debut on piano here. I am now at the bottom of the scale. I guess I just have to start climbing.
9/23/03
This week has been the best so far since I've started school. Barely any homework. I'm sure the pace will pick up again soon. No worries. I don't think my environment has changed a bit. I'm just in a good mood. Let's all hope it lasts.
9/22/03
Finally no more internet withdrawel! ok, that's a bit harsh. I just feel better. I have a connection to the outside world! Yay! Happy happy joy joy. Ok I'm done now. :)
9/19/03
So...how has your life been? Mine's getting better. Slowly I am adapting to college life. A 98 on a Trig exam is definitely a good thing. I have discovered the art of essay writing. Right now my creative side is taking a different direction. It's rather disturbing. I have done a 180 since two months ago and once again become a recluse. Things happen in cycles. It was bound to happen.
9/13/03
My two favorite years were 1996 and 2000....But those years are gone now. The people in them are gone too. In 2004, I will look back at this year and see that it's gone. All the music, the conversations, the weather, the amusements...all gone.
9/12/03
"The Introvert" has returned to her cyber-surroundings. She sighs and tries to stay awake. Feeling misunderstood and alone she tries to find some peace during the weekend to store with her other traveling belongings.
9/7/03
Well there went my short-lived hobby of debating. It's funny how I get so fired up about politics. I finally take some sort of minor action and it does nothing. Or so I think. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong.
9/6/03
Once again Rebekah battles the computer virus. She sits here installing updates for Windows and must next install anti-virus software updates. Isn't her life so thrilling? She laughs at the absurdity of it all.
9/5/03
I thought I had gotten away from it all, but tonight I found myself in the social hierarchy again...or rather, not in it. Let's face it, I am not a person to push my way into a conversation, therefore I often am on the outside. I am not saying that pushy people are well-liked; In fact, I would say both extremes are not liked.
9/1/03
It's September already? It seems like only yesterday it was August. Ah, how days fly. Tomorrow I will be back in the dorm locked away from all signs of human life. Unless I have a roommate by then. I guess I'll just have to update you next weekend...if I survive that long. It's otay. I'll make it.
8/31/03
Perhaps I'm too picky... and fickle, if you want the truth. If I wasn't though, I wouldn't be me. I really should stop all this 'trying to change my personality' business. I wasn't meant to be overly friendly. If I keep this up, I'll turn into everything I stand against. Not that being overfriendly is bad. It's just not me. "And it's alright now, I've learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone so you gotta be yourself."
8/30/03
11 hours of sleep can do wonders. Hmmm I haven't eaten anything in about 22 hours...Time to raid the kitchen!! I can't let myself get too lazy though; I've got homework. Blah.
8/29/03
I survived through two days. I have discovered something along the way: Solitude can drive a person insane. Example: I watched Veggietales in my free time. I had one conversation (excluding direction-asking and calls to family) today. The academics are fine, but I've decided a social life is somewhat essential. I mean, I don't even have an Internet connection there. Ok, Rebekah - IM = insanity. That's all there is to it.
My whole "shy" thing is working against me at this point.