In Loving Memory
On the day you left this earth
It was more than I could bear,
How could I face life again
Without your being there.
The days were long and lonely
And I hoped it was just a dream,
Then I would just turn around
And we’d be back together again. After many anguished tears
And an aching broken heart,
I had to try and live again
Knowing we’d always be apart. Then I looked up and to the sky
And I could almost see you smile,
Telling me life’s too precious And this was just for a little while.
Now I know you never left me,
Your spirit is in every thing I do,
Living in my heart and mind Until the day I’ll be with you.
Though I’ll always miss you, Your laughter and your touch,
My life has much more meaning
For loving you so much.
Rita Ralston
July 5, 1998
Danielle Siltala, 23,
from Racine, WI. gained her ultimate independence
July 4, 1998. Those words will forever stick in my
memory. I was
Danielle's boyfriend. We met on the Internet. Yes,
regardless of what
you might have heard, good things can come from the net.
We became
close very fast, sharing our thoughts, fears, dreams, and
intimate
feelings. Since last October we had been chatting
nightly. We both
missed each other if for some reason we weren't able to get on
and say
"hi" or "I Love You". I traveled
to meet her in May '98, and not
surprising we hit it off well. My next step was finding a
job in the
area and moving. By this point she WAS the center of my
life.
Pneumonia thought otherwise. Danielle was very special, no
her
disability didn't make her that way. It was her mother Carol,
sister
Kerri, niece Stephanie, grandparents, aunts & uncles, other
relatives,
friends, and her church that made her who she was. I thank each
and
every one of them. She touched many people's lives, and
without
sounding too arrogant I think mine the most. I am happy
for her that
she is not in pain anymore, but sad for myself at the
loss. Even more
so, I am sad for all the people that didn't get to meet her or
couldn't
see past the outside to know an extraordinary young lady.
She will be
dearly missed. Thank you for all my happiness Danielle.
Mike
*** 10/5/98 ***
I wanted to thank all those that have signed the Guestbook, I have tried to send a
personal thank you to each one of you that had left an email address. If for some
reason you did not receive one, I am terribly sorry! For all those that didn't leave
an address, THANK YOU! Also thanks to June Price of Living SMArt newsletter.
The above letter that I wrote was my letter to the editor of the newsletter informing
everyone about Danielle. June included the letter along with a photo and a link to
this site. I hope to hear from any of you that saw the article.
I can't believe that it's been over 3 months now that Danielle passed away. At
times it seems like years, and just the same it seems like just yesterday! We all
still miss her dearly. I am grateful to Danielle's mother Carol, my
"mother-in-law" along with "sister-in-law" Kerri, and
friends of Danielle's Erica, and Kristin. They have all been there when I've needed
them, and I hope I've been there just the same for them.
I was going to include a link to the site of the person that wrote the poem at the top
of this page, but it is now off line. The story behind the poem is as
follows... Rita has been a net friend of mine for a couple years now. When I
went out the last time to see Danielle, I contacted her to tell her that things weren't
looking very good. After Danielle died I contacted her again with the news.
The next day I was looking for a passage or poem to put on a card to pass out at the
funeral, the next thing I know I get the above poem from Rita! She had lost her
father over 25 years ago, and she had tried and tried to write a poem about him.
Probably trying too hard, something that just has to come to you. Before I contacted
her about Danielle's death she sat down at the computer and was listening to a MIDI song
and thinking about Danielle and me, and also her father, it then came to her... She wrote
it down and the next day was when I told her the news. She was afraid to send it to
me at that time, not knowing my emotional state at the time, but when I told her I was
looking for something, she sent it to me. I sat and cried when I got it, it was
perfect! She had cleaned it up a touch and included it with her other poems on
her web site. Things were going well for her site, actually too well. Rita has
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and the stress of trying to keep up with the mail and guestbook
entries, made her very weak. She had to shut down her site, so as to
"save" herself. I'm still in touch with her via "snail mail" and
she is coming along. I just wanted to let everyone know how the poem came about and
also thank Rita SO much!
While I'm explaining things... the song heard while viewing this page "The Rainbow
Connection" was used in the Muppet Movie, and this was the song Danielle used for her
home page. It seemed fitting for me to use it here as well.
So in closing, her family and friends are coping, there are good days and
bad. Having this page up helps, and the guestbook entries have REALLY been a
blessing, thanks again... mike
Danielle and her dog Crackle
Mike, Danielle, and her mom Carol
4/8/99
Here it is over 9 months now. I've been through a lot in those short months, and
thought I was "over it all". Ha, boy was I ever wrong! Danielle is STILL in my
thoughts and when talking to people her name comes up often. On a recent trip more than
ever, that's when I realized that she is still a big part of my life. It amazes me that
one person can change so many other's lives. A little over a year ago I didn't even know
what SMA was, now I do, and have close to a dozen friends with it, some of whom I consider
to be my best friends. There's days I still wonder why, but I go on. There are times when
it's easier and then there are times that I remember the bad. One day at a time... Thanks
again for all the Guestbook entries, or email messages, it's nice to know there are still
kind people out there! :)
Update 5/31/99 (Memorial Day)
365 days, or 52 weeks, or 12 months.. 1 year... That's how long it's been since I got
to meet Danielle in person, Memorial Day '98. The time doesn't seem to compute, I can
remember that meeting like it was just the other day. How both of us were nervous, and she
turned all shy, and my heart beating like crazy. See, not only did I have to get my
approval from her (not like I was worried about that) I also had to be
"approved" by family, friends, nurses... I was on center stage, like the
ultimate review. Luckily I passed with flying colors. We ran around like crazy doing all
kinds of things in that short weekend. Before we knew it, it was time for me to return
home. Tears flowed, but we knew it wasn't a good-bye for good, just a short separation
until I got back out there. I knew that we were to be together. So here it is Memorial
Day, one year later... and I'm remembering my little soldier, ok she wasn't in the armed
forces, but she was the best little trooper, fighting till the end! I still love you
Danielle...
July 4th 1999
Hmm how do I start this today? A year has passed... In writing to family and friends
and it's been said time and time again, Danielle is in our hearts. After listening to the
soundtrack of the Tarzan movie, there is a song titled "You'll Be in My Heart"
by Phil Collins. That song seems to sum up a lot of what people have been saying, and what
I've been feeling. Here are the lyrics...
You’ll Be in My Heart
by Phil Collins from Disney’s Tarzan
Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight
I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don’t you cry
For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
can’t be broken
I will be here
Don’t you cry
‘Cause you’ll be in my heart
Yes, you’ll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You’ll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You’ll be here in my heart, always
Why can’t they understand
the way we feel
They just don’t trust
what they can’t explain
I know we’re different but,
deep inside us
We’re not that different at all
And you’ll be in my heart
Yes, you’ll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Don’t listen to them
‘Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They’ll see in time
I know
When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you’ve got to hold on
They’ll see in time
I know
We’ll show them together
‘Cause you’ll be in my heart
Believe me, you’ll be in my heart
I’ll be there from this day on
Now and forever more
Oh you’ll be in my heart
(You’ll be here in my heart)
No matter what they say
(I’ll be with you)
You’ll be here in my heart, (I’ll be there) always
Always
I be with you
I will be there for you always
Always and always
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I’ll be there always
You'll always be in my heart, Danielle
9/26/99
Don't think that because I haven't been updating this page that I haven't been thinking
of Danielle! This past week I lost a sister in law to cancer, her death brought back a lot
of memories. I guess death has a way of doing that to people. My family came together in
my brother's time of need. In a way it just shows what families are all about. This same
week someone contacted me since they started to become close to someone with SMA, my page,
and my few words to them helped answer the questions they had. So once again, I know there
is a reason that I made this website.
12/25/99
Christmas day... I was trying to add this last night, but was having
some trouble with one of the programs I use to create these pages. I had a
quite Christmas, pretty much the usual anymore. I had commented to friends that as
you get older I don't think Christmas is as fun anymore. It really is a
"child's" holiday. I couldn't help but think about things these past
couple weeks. I had gone in the hospital for Mono around Thanksgiving. (I
hadn't been to a hospital since I had been out to see Danielle) It didn't really hit
me until I was in the room after a day or so. I had gone in because my throat was
closing up and I was having trouble eating, swallowing, and breathing. Something I
normally took for granted. Again this made me think, this is what Danielle went
through every day. Was this a way for me to better understand, even if it was so
brief? Even if it wasn't it was! Christmas day has come and gone, felt like
any other day to me, except for something missing...
1/29/00
Well here I was redoing my page and I debated as to whether or not to
change this page, I liked it the way it is, so I only changed a couple things around.
Since I decided to not use frames this time, I did have to add links to my
other pages at the bottom. Other than that, it's still the same page. :)
3/22/00
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Danielle would have been 25 today. I'm sure
we would have had a big celebration. I'm still thinking of you and missing you.
5/10/00
Happy Birthday to me! It was MY birthday this week, and I couldn't
help but think about my life so far. I guess that's a "normal" thing to do
on your birthday. See where you've been and what's ahead. I still don't know
what's ahead, but I do know where I've been. These past couple years have not been
my best years. I often wonder... "What if..." I'm sure we all do at
times. I know what I would have hoped that would have happened. I guess
if it did, I wouldn't have this site, huh? I'm TRYING to move on, I guess some are
better at it than others. All the mixed emotions of sadness, bitterness, anger,
love, you wonder how all those could be present at one time. I know it's
been awhile since she left, the photographs in my room get dusty and I have to clean
them off, a constant reminder of the time that has gone by. That and the fact
that I don't dust much! :) Yes I still try to keep my sense of humor, that's
probably the thing that's gotten me from day to day. Humor and friends... can't say
enough about them both. Thank you to all those that have written and signed the
guestbook, even if it didn't seem like much at the time, it was, and I thank you for
that!
7/13/00
I'm sure there have been those that had looked to see what I had written
the week of the 4th. I decided not to post a message until a bit after. 2
years... it's still the same feelings, one instant it feels as though it's been ages, and
yet at the same time it seems as though it was just yesterday. I was in contact with
Danielle's mom this week and it was good to "catch" up with news while helping
each other through this time of year. Reading my previous entries on this page
has reminded me how far I have come. I look back and realize that I AM moving ahead,
even though it wasn't that obvious to me. That doesn't mean in the slightest that I
don't still miss you!
11/17/00
Wow,
look how the time goes by! The holidays are approaching fast, and the air
is getting cold. When I designed the new look to my site, I debated if I
should change this page or not. I then incorporated it into the
"look" of all my other pages and it just all fell right in
place. I still think about Danielle, although my memories are fading
somewhat. Sorry to say the bad things are etched in my mind more than the
good. I hadn't been keeping up with her family either, but hearing that
her sister is pregnant gave me reason to get back in touch, and hopefully stay
in touch better. Danielle was a great Aunt, and I'm sure she would have
been just as excited as her sister. Scratch that.. she IS just as excited
as her sister, and I'm sure she's watching over them all. Take care...
3/22/01
Today
would have been Danielle's 26th Birthday. This has been a rough
week! Danielle's friend Kristin DeBonee passed away on the 17th. I
met Kristin after having to contact her when Danielle passed away. I
didn't know who she was, and later found out that her and Danielle had become
good friends. Kristin helped me through some difficult times! I
helped her with her web site and did some special effects on some photos for
her site as well. I even got to meet her (then) boyfriend on a
trip. Losing Kristin brought back a lot of memories these past couple
day. I'm sure they have finally gotten to meet and are hitting it off
well! Miss you both...
7/7/01
Here
it is over 3 years now since Danielle passed away. Not sure I can say it's
gotten easier, but maybe it's not on my mind as much as before. Sure there
are times that it still gets to me. Recently I have heard from the family
of Danielle's friend Kristin that passed away. It was good to make
contact, but also brought back memories. I've talked to Danielle's mother
this week as well. I didn't go see any fireworks this year, just didn't
seem in the mood for it. Luckily I had to work on the 4th so that kept me
busy.
5/11/02
Yes,
I know it's been a long time since I've updated this. Actually it's been a long
time since I updated the whole site, so what do you expect? I did go in to
update my age on my Bio page and in the process I started to look around at the
rest of the site to see what needed to be done. I found one of the
webrings wasn't working and got rid of it, and then figured that if I was
editing stuff I should add to the page as well. Well holidays, and birthdays
have come and gone. Thoughts are always harder on those days, but we go
on. I've seen others with SMA pass away since I last wrote, that doesn't
make things any easier. I've had people ask how do you cope, and I really
can't say how it happens it just does. I'm sure everyone is a bit
different. Do I still miss Danielle, Sure! Is it easier day to day,
at times, yes, other times no. I'm still bitter and truly don't understand
all the why's, not that I probably ever will. I have wondered if I should
still keep this memorial up and running. Maybe it's just old depressing
news to most? Until I decide, she'll still have a home here.
7/6/02
Who
would have believed.. 4 years... Wow, it's hard to describe. There
are things that seem like years and years ago, and yet there are things that
seem like oh such a short time. I was going to post on the 4th, but
decided to wait. I just went back and re-read the posts I have written
over the years. Time I guess does heal, but not quickly. Yes, things
are easier, I still miss Danielle, but alot of memories have been forgotten
sorry to say. There are things that are constant reminders for me. I
am a co-moderator of a SMA club on the internet. So I still have many
friends that I am in touch with that have SMA. It's always hard to hear
about sickness and death, at those times I wonder if I should still be involved,
then I realize it's too late. I am involved and care too much to not know
what is going on with them all. I try and keep busy with things (Digital
Photography at the moment) and that takes my mind off of things when I need it
to. I don't get many replies to this site anymore, I figure it's
just one of those "old" memorial sites when someone comes upon
it. That's ok, I just wanted people to know that I still care about
Danielle, even after 4 years.
7/15/03
Ok, another year has passed. 5
Years! So hard to believe. There are things that still are vivid in
my mind, while other things have faded away. There are times that a song
or thought will bring back memories, I try not to get too caught up in the most
recent memories, although those still seem to be the freshest or stick in my
mind more. Even as I write this, there are some coming back to me that I
hadn't thought of in years. I am still part of a SMA group online, although as
time goes by I don't seem to be an active participant. I can't help with
food diets or medicines, and it seems like more and more I'm "out of
the loop" so to say. I stay there because it's a way to keep up with
all those that I've gotten to know.
I'm also still into the digital
photography, with several cameras now. I try to get and and shoot some of
my favorite things, at the moment it's zoo animals and hot air balloons, who
knows what will be next? It's my "release", the "happy
place" that I can go and forget about all the things that are going
on.
I wasn't even sure if I was going to
keep updating this site anymore. After months of not hearing from anyone
visiting, just the past couple weeks I've gotten some posts. One asked
that I continue my story, since it seemed like an abrupt ending. So...
here I am adding another ramble. At times I wonder what if... I have
no idea were I'd be or what I'd be doing, but then again, that's life. I'm
not in contact with Danielle's family as much anymore. I think we've all
moved on in some ways. We still write and try and catch up when we can,
but it seems everyone is busier these days. Can't say for sure if that's a
good thing or not?
I
used to think I "felt" Danielle watching out or over me. I can't
remember when I had that feeling, but it seems like a long time ago now. I
don't know what that means? Guess I didn't know what it meant at the time
ether. Time does go on, whether we want it to or not...
Niece
Stephanie (on back), Danielle, and her cousin's baby on her lap at Sister Kerri's Wedding.
