| I've found these jokes in other publications, and have chosen to post them here. The sources have not been provided, as some of them would allow the reader to discover my location.The jokes below will be updated as I get new jokes to replace them. Any jokes that I find very funny may remain here for some time. Any jokes containing foul language will include the image to the right. |  |
| A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a cheque to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine. "Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash. - Copied from a local publication, Dec. 2007 |
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and to my dismay, was awaken by a question posed by my instructor. My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend. "Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much." - Copied from a local publication, Dec. 2007 |
| A plane is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney....And I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney.... and I'm staying right here!" Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry- I had no idea," then gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied..... "I told her First Class isn't going to Sydney" - E-mailed to me by my sister, Nov. 2007 |
| You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat that we'd put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out shortly. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car.. - E-mailed to me by an aunt, Nov. 2007 |
| "What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in a bed. "Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roalllercoaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go around again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now I was determined to read that sign so I went around a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said that time?" asked the visitor. "Yes." "What did it say?" "Don't stand up in the car." - Found in a local publication, Jan. 2008 |
Definitions of a Bachelor: - Found in a local publication, Jan. 2008 |