THE ARCHIVES

"First you stripped Robert of his crown, then you take it!  You're like Richard III...or that guy on The Young and The Restless!"  Everybody Loves Raymond

"Opinions are like butts.  Everybody has one, but you don't want to see yours in the newspaper."  Becker

"I went for Donald Trump, but I ended up with Ed Norton!" Cheers

"He's a self-loathing schizophrenic who hates every one of his selves!" MXC

"Hey, Helen Keller, do I need to spell it in your hand?" Becker

"It's easy to look down the throat when the head's cut off." MXC

"In my family, I prayed for normal.  Instead, I fell asleep to the sound of my brother naming his toes." Everybody Loves Raymond

"Don't worry, Ray. We'll always have Sacred Death." Everybody Loves Raymond

"It's like talking Shakespeare to a Hersey bar!"  Two and a Half Men

"You know, I'm tired. Can't you just call yourself an idiot?"  Everybody Loves Raymond

"Did the village idiot die and make you boss?" How Clean Is Your House?

"Who cut your hair? Ray Charles?" Fresh Prince

"Ungrateful biscuit-eating s.o.b.!" Law & Order

"How much does it suck to be you?" Crossing Jordan

"If you're going to run across angry snowmen, you have to keep your eyes open!" MXC

"My old coach said I looked like a retarded gazelle with a spastic disorder!" Law & Order: Trial by Jury

"I just wanted to give one of them a black eye so we could tell them apart." Law & Order

"We don't need no stinkin' badges." Law & Order: Trial by Jury

"Don't let a suitcase full of cheese become your big spoon and fork." Everybody Loves Raymond

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a 50-foot fall will kill y'all!" Fresh Prince

"Great. We're reduced to incomprehensible sports metaphors." Crossing Jordan

"Serenity now!  Insanity later!"  Seinfeld

"Oh, sorry, Sir.  I didn't realize that a nut product could be so combustible." JAG

"I don't want to blow the wheels off your tricycle, but..." Law & Order

"I over-understudied!" Joey

"You mock me, but deep down you love me.  In a platonic kind of way."  Crossing Jordan

"Only 2-3% of the shipping containers are being searched.  That means 95% are not searched." Moronic democratic governor of Pennsylvania Ed Rendell, who apparently was using the "new math."  C-Span

"Pump iron.  Get elected.  Taunt girlie men." Spike TV promo

"What are you babbling about?" Law & Order: SVU

"Come on, give the brother some love!" Crossing Jordan

"I have nothing against women.  You and your mother are women." Perfect Strangers (movie)

"You couldn't please this court if you danced an Irish jig on your fingertips." Law & Order

"Do you ever give a straight answer?  I might as well consult a phrenologist!" Law & Order

"This defense is like my grandmother's nightgown: it covers everything." Law & Order

"Why can't you be more like Rain Man?" King of Queens

"Lenny Briscoe, cabana boy!" Law & Order

"I'm pretty sure in a previous life Munch and Briscoe were married." Homicide: Life on the Streets

"Are you guys always drunk?" TLC's Clean Sweep

"Looks like an Etch-A-Sketch on acid to me." Las Vegas

"Alright, Dad, stop taunting Doug with words he doesn't understand!" King of Queens

"Stop being flirtatious. It's a maggot." Crossing Jordan

"I once threw myself down stairs to get out of a relationship, but the priest said, 'Get back up to the altar! You're getting married!'"  Still Standing

"You, my friend, just went from selling cars to making license plates." CSI: Miami

"The last time I took Louis to the Plaza, he stole an ashtray and sold it on e-bay."  Becker

"Your husband has sexual narcolepsy.  He keeps falling into bed."  Law & Order

"It's amazing how much skinnier you look standing in front of an elephant."  VH1's Awesomely Bad Videos

"You made up a sister named Pepper Becker!"  Becker

"People hate it, but they love to hate it.  That's why we're celebrating its crappiness!"  VH1's 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever  (The song?  "Achy Breaky Heart"!  I have to agree!)

"They treat us like we're stupid instead of just weird!"  Malcolm in the Middle

"I might be psychotic, but I'm not an idiot."  A&E's Pride

"Oh, shut up and kill something!"  A&E's Pride

"Our kids would rather eat broccoli than go in their play room!"  TLC's Clean Sweep

"The last time Capetti had an original idea, he left it swirling in the toilet." Law & Order

"I want to be an elegant moron!"  Joan of Arcadia

"You can't bug a man's [rear end].  It's just not right."  The Practice

"I was groped by the bony fingers of a senior citizen!" Becker

"Loving you was like stepping on a rusty nail."  JAG

"I'm really sorry that I tortured you.  No hard feelings?"  Crossing Jordan

"We need to talk to the grapes."  Law & Order

"Copernicus called.  The world doesn't revolve around you."  Joan of Arcadia

"That's supposed to be hip [music]? It sounds like a Chihuahua threw up on an accordion!"  The Shield

"There's no smiling in heavy metal!"  I Love The 80's

"I want to eat cheese that isn't airlifted into third world countries!  I want ouchless toilet paper!  I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it!"  Two and a Half Men

"That was not a near-death experience.  That was barely an experience!"  Friends

"You're a vulgar, desperate woman."  The Practice

"You don't know who Captain Kangaroo is?  That's ridiculous!" TVU's Top 10

"It's unsettling when God uses slang."  Joan of Arcadia

"Phobia?  Isn't that the blonde girl on Friends?"  The Tracy Morgan Show

"Watch me nail this hooker with a drumstick!"  Just Shoot Me

"Did I tell you to dress like a Republican?"  Joan of Arcadia

"People don't watch arm wrestling.  It doesn't even make ESPN3."  I Love the 80's

"It's like a soap opera, but with ugly people."  Just Shoot Me

"I always wanted to farm apples."  The Practice

"I googled Sammy Morales.  Don't ask."  Law & Order

"It's like they're taking an elephant's temperature with ME!"  Becker

"Oooh, you tricky tricky white boy!"  Everybody Loves Raymond

"I'm really getting sick of these kids.  That's probably why I don't have any of my own."  Law & Order: SVU

"Adrian, just rub the man's troll."  Monk

"I think it's great, Reg.  You couldn't find a boyfriend, so you grew one."  Becker

"Mr. van Rankin, may we have your permission to search your pie?  Please don't make me repeat that."  Monk

"Contrary to popular belief, I did not graduate from Hee-Haw High."  Crossing Jordan

"I'm so sick of beards and Russians."  Without A Trace

"Oh, it's just you [singing].  I thought someone was swinging a bag of cats against a wall."  Friends

"Next time you want to make the six o'clock news, throw yourself in front of a bus."  Dragnet

"I'm too rich to work."  All the King's Men

"Right now he's probably dancing around in his grandma's underwear."  Seven

"Finesse is for fairies."  Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

"One tongue depressor can feed a child in Zimbabwe for two days."  Diagnosis Murder

"You can't lick the queen."  Monk

"The day I support this ill-begotten marriage is the day I ride a goat to K-Mart."  Dharma & Greg

"Boy, she's going to be disappointed when she finds out Big Ben is only a clock."  Wings

"People sit on that.  Sweaty circus people."  Monk

"You're psychologizing me!"  The Twilight Zone

"Burt Reynolds is like six Village People in one guy!"  I Love the 70's

"Doodlin' with my dead zone."  The Dead Zone

"Just because we [vegetarians] don't eat the meat doesn't mean we don't like to play with the carcasses."  Friends

Honorary two-liner from CSI: Miami
"It's a Neil Diamond CD."
"At least we know why he was killed."

"You're a vision of idiocy."  Crossing Jordan

"That man has done more to set back television than laugh tracks and Full House reruns combined!" Diagnosis Murder

"You couldn't convict a 10 year old of selling watered-down lemonade."  Law & Order

"When Hell freezes over you can drive.  Wait a minute.  Even if Hell does freeze over, I don't want you driving on the ice."  Monk

"It could ruin my sleep for minutes."  Law & Order

"Mirror, mirror, on the table, why am I so emotionally unstable?"  Surprised by Design (Discovery Channel)

"It is rude to moon a shut-in."  Tonight Show (with Johnny Carson)

"Are you nuts?  Who goes to Omaha?"  Law & Order  (I find this one amusing because I have an ex who moved to Omaha after we broke up!)

"It has moisturizers, so it's giving back to your armpits."  Dove deodorant commercial

"Just a little broccoli on my bare eyeball. It was bound to happen eventually." What I Like About You

"You're both idiots! In a good way." 3rd Rock From The Sun

"If it's worth doin' nothin', it's worth doin' nothin' well." The Red Green Show

"This team's so pathetic, they couldn't score with Anna Nicole Smith!"  ESPN's Sports Center

"This chandelier is nice, but I think it would scare my children."  Designer's Challenge, on HGTV

"I'd spray him with pepper spray, but I'm afraid he'd just eat it!"  Fresh Prince

"Never get Freudian with a guy with a pickle."  Law & Order

"I used to be a rodeo clown."  Friends

"Gene Purdy seems to think you're the greatest thing since Christian rock." The Dead Zone

"I'd rather share a see-saw with Delta Burke."  Fresh Prince

"This really frosts my cookies, Max."  Law & Order

"What are the odds that an elf will pop out of my desk and spit cider in my ear?" Law & Order

"Is that a real color?" Trading Spaces

"You have one chance to get your chestnuts out of the fire." Law & Order: Criminal Intent

"If I was naked, I would still be smart!"  Pardon the Interruption

"You have the right to remain silent, and if you puke in my car, I'm gonna' kill [you]!" Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

"And you go to some basement in The Village to watch a transvestite carve a yam into a monkey."  Everybody Love Raymond

"It is meaner than a house full of mother-in-laws!"  ESPN's Sports Center

"If he's such a good artist, what's he doing alive?"  Cheers

"The last time I saw my father, he'd just sculpted the shrubs into Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."  Pretender 2001

"Listen.  There's slates on this roof, and with the high winds, sometimes the slates tend to come off, and they will kill you, alright?"  Trading Spaces

"She needs to get her butt down the yellow brick road and get herself a brain!" unknown

"People don't have to draw me a picture, but I like it when they do."  Cheers

"How do you think it makes me feel to be attracted to someone who makes me so sick?" Cheers

"John Q has no use for Christian Scientists except to use your newspaper to train their dog."  The Practice

"To soften the ice cream, just throw it in the microwave for 20-30 minutes."  some show on the Cooking Channel

"I just want you to know that, in spite of the two murders and your trying to kill me, you really are the best doctor I ever had."  Monk

"He's more mixed up than a basket of puppies on a Ferris wheel."  Dharma & Greg

"Do you have the urge to have an 8 pound screaming larva rip its way out of your lower abdomen?"  3rd Rock From The Sun

"Colonics for everyone!"  12 Monkeys

"Someone tries to kill my husband, and you send in Rain Man?!?"  Monk

"You're gonna' want to get out of my sight before I do something I truly enjoy."  The District

"Data, you are fully functional, aren't you?"  Star Trek: TNG

"I don't want to flirt with a guy who only has one of something!"  Caroline in the City

"You're too stupid to be scared!"  The Practice

"I only shot him 'cause I thought he was you!"  Drew Carey

"If you're whacked out on drugs and about to eat your fingers or something, go stand over there."  Caroline in the City

"Stop staring at my feet, you Balkan freak!"  The Shield

"$250 for a car that gets 60 feet to the gallon?"  Suddenly Susan

"When I was a kid, we just tipped cows."  The Shield

"Do you mind if I fingerprint your spigot?"  CSI

"Turn around so we can laugh behind your back."  Becker

"Yeah, and Hell is just a sauna."  Ten Things I Hate About You

"If you're gonna' lie, be creative.  Otherwise we get bored."  Law & Order

"I don't vote.  It only encourages them."  Monk

"And you don't fraternize with the Eskimos." Malcolm in the Middle

"How can it be stealin' if it's for somebody else?" The Practice

"If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in the microwave?"  Cheers

"Not every guy deserves to be Snow Queen." Family Ties

"You never know where Lady Luck's gonna' spit.  You just hope it's not in your breakfast."  Diagnosis Murder

"If I told you the truth, you'd think I had a kink in my slinky."  Tales from the Crypt

"I suppose they figured that anybody who hadn't mastered birth control wasn't smart enough to serve on a jury."  Cheers

"He can stink just as bad without me as he stunk with me."  Cheers

"Annie, Caroline's the captain.  I just sit in the bowels of the ship and row."  Caroline in the City

"And what's with this English accent?  Ever since he got here, you've been talking like the queen's your Aunt Betty or something."  Cheers

"If she were not dead, I'd kill her!"  Star Trek: TNG

"Suicidal twin kills brother by mistake."  Cheers

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."  The District

"I want to scratch you bald, paint your butt blue, and mail you to Guam."  Cheers

"Man, you punch out a couple of guys at a funeral and everyone's on your case."  Cheers

"Great.  I cheated death in Korea for this?"  Frasier

"No, [I'm] just wandering around with some weirdo's."  Cowboy Bebop

"I never killed anybody before, either, but if you call me 'Genie' one more time, that's going to change!"  The Practice

"I guess they didn't read Euthanasia for Dummies."  Law & Order

"Release the gecko!"  Frasier

"I think your memory is as faulty as your birth control."  Cheers

"This is why better-looking men didn't marry you!"  According to Jim

"I'd take her down right now if I wasn't afraid of her flying monkeys."  Caroline in the City

"Poor people!  We want poor people!"  Malcolm in the Middle

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