I'll admit it. I'm a couch potato. I love TV. And one thing I've noticed is that there are a lot of great one-liners. Some are funny, and some are just plain weird. Shows from sit-coms to crime dramas to sci-fi are full of great quotes. I've assembled some of my favorites below, including my Top Ten list. In fact, I have so many that I put the old ones on an archive page. I hope you enjoy them too!
Note: You may notice that the new batch of quotes comes from only a handful of shows. That's because we lost our cable :-( and can only get three channels. But hey, better a few quality one-liners than none at all, right? Enjoy!
THE LATEST ADDITIONS
"Look! Vagabonds!" Capital One Visa commercial
"Lawyers make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance, and they never get better." Unknown
"Help us, Professor, or you're going to have a really bad mid-life crisis." Law & Order
"I can't prosecute Susan Forrest because I wasn't at Woodstock?" Law & Order
"I understand you've been to my apartment. Did you feed my cat?" Law & Order
"Who died and made you boss of the tunnel?" Crossing Jordan
(Alas, here I must bid adieu to any more quotes from Crossing Jordan or any of the Law & Order series. I can no longer get NBC, and am now confined to CBS & Fox!)
"You're worse than pigs! You're talking pigs who lie!" Everybody Loves Raymond
"Oh, please, it's not that impressive. It's not like they were real Ninjas!" NCIS
"Try passing a 12-pound baby off as premature!" Everybody Loves Raymond
"Did I date you or defend you?" Shark
"The trees looked like broccoli in some kind of weird brown soup." Local newscaster describing a flooded area
"Wow, it's just like Chippendales, but without the bowties or muscles." NCIS
"If this is true, he'd better be dead, or I'll kill him myself!" NCIS
"Working with Glen was like working with molasses, or any part of a mole." Red Green Show
"Without the love, it's just a ball of meat." Everybody Loves Raymond
"Yeah, gotta' get that Golden Weinie back!" CSI
"Way cool costumes, guys, but you spelled "CSI" wrong on your hats!" NCIS
"You've figured out that grown women won't make out in the back seat of cars." Numbers
"This guy's a few puppies short of a pet shop!" NCIS
"Meanwhile, I'm sharing a cage [jail cell] with a guy who thinks showers are the way the devil gets inside you." House
"We rolled back into Idaho!" Frasier
"I'm going to go buy some tires or spit or something." Still Standing
"[Do this] instead of getting depressed, hitting the booze, and writing country songs." Red Green Show
"Even dead people love Raymond." Everybody Loves Raymond
"This isn't the XFL, ladies!" NCIS
"Nobody wants the other kid peeing in their sandbox." Criminal Minds
"Was this place featured in Better Homes and Rat Holes?" Shark
"They don't believe in presents or Christmas trees, and they think "Santa" is how satan spells his name when he wants to confuse us!" How I Met Your Mother
"You tried to dispose of the weapon, but you missed. How do you miss the Pacific Ocean?" Shark
"It's like banana time in the monkey cage!" Everybody Loves Raymond
TOP TEN ALL-TIME BEST ONE-LINERS
"If my parents set an orphanage on fire on Christmas Eve, they STILL wouldn't be as bad as your parents!" Everybody Loves Raymond
"I'd rather be trapped in a coal mine with three Republicans and a lap dog." Judging Amy
"I wish I had a girlfriend named Lola." Law & Order
"Did you enlist those one-legged black people?" The Practice
"It's like putting a clown in your room. You just don't do it." Trading Spaces
"Just can't trust a man with a stolen thumb." The Pretender
"Your victim bought a 486, state of the art..." Law & Order (this one gets funnier every year!)
"A man can't walk down the streets these days without getting handcuffed to a dwarf." The Practice
"Killed somebody today? I ain't killed nobody today!" The Shield
"This is Hell, kid. You get the minivan!" Hyundai commercial
**Continue on to the archive page!**
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