My Moods |
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Here you will find a diary or log of my moods starting with the most recent and going back thru the past. September 29, 2002 Well...quite some time since I've written anything. I am pretty sure now that if I were to go back to the doctor that he would diagnosis me as a rapid cycler. Although, I have not went back, nor have I attempted to take meds again. I know I should, but I haven't. The mania and depression has continued to haunt me, but in less severe forms. I have not had any suicidal thoughts...many thought of wanting to run away, get away, for everything to go away, but no plans of suicide. I have found myself involved in many, many odd and crazy projects, but nothing dangerous. I guess I would have to say that things have been as normal as normal gets for me lately. LOL! I have removed my email links from my site, because I am just not reliable enough to check my email and reply to people. I always feel so bad when I go in to check it after months of ignoring it and see that there are people who wrote for support that never came.
I am really still borderline agoraphobic...not leaving the
house unless it is absolutely necessary or if my husband or mother take me
somewhere. I hate facing people, I hate being around people, hate
being anywhere I may have to talk to people or interact with them.
April 2, 2002 February 18, 2002
I am starting group therapy next Tuesday, the 6th. It is a group specifically for bipolar, which I think is great. I have been to other women's groups and although they do help, I could really use the support of other people who are bipolar. The therapist who runs the group thinks it will help me to feel more normal...if that is possible LOL. And I think if I can start feeling "okay" with my disorder...maybe I won't feel so afraid of getting out by myself and even getting back to work in the future. Without me working it is really financially difficult on my family, and at Christmas everyone feels it even more than usual. November 20, 2001 I will try to write more often, especially about my medication and it's effects. The doc started me out taking 500mg in the morning and 500mg at night. I see him again in 4 weeks. Three - four days before I go to see him again, I have to go for a blood test. I guess my blood has to be monitored for the levels of depakote in my system on a regular basis. November 6, 2001 I did get in to see a therapist tomorrow morning. How wonderful....now I get to sit in her office and try (once again) to get all my feelings out so she can try to understand me, which is most likely impossible. You see, I feel like I should keep it all inside, cram all my feelings down deep inside, because nobody would understand anyway...not my husband, or my mother...nobody. When I have to let it all out...talk about how I feel, I am ashamed, and I feel so stupid and miserable...I am such a waste. But, I do want help...right now I want help, so I will go and let all of the ugliness come out. This morning, I drove my kids to school and when I came home and pulled the car in the garage, I opened the door and my body froze. I pictured myself shutting the garage door, reclining the seat and just shutting my eyes. Nobody would be home for hours and by then it would be over, all the pain would be gone...no more fighting with it...But then the neighbor pulled in next door and I got out of the car and went inside the house and crawled back into the darkness. October 28, 2001 The anxiety level is very high and they're so focused on "not failing" and "giving themselves away" that they don't even remember what was said in the conversation. But later on, they're sure they must have said the wrong thing.....because they always do. Many times people with social anxiety simply must be alone---closeted---with the door closed behind them. Even when they're around familiar people, a person with social anxiety may feel overwhelmed and have the feeling that others are noticing their every movement and critiquing their every thought. They feel like they are being observed critically and that other people are making negative judgments about them. Some of my own personal experiences with social anxiety - most recently I worked as the Executive Officer of a Builder's Association. I know, I can hardly believe it myself right now. When I took the job, I was on top of the world. I had so many plans, I was excited about reorganizing the entire office, handling all the projects, managing the monthly meetings, etc. I felt I just had to call each and every member and make a personal contact and had no problem doing so. The weird thing about all of this is that just 5 months before this I had been so overwhelmed and anxious over my job as an assistant in a real estate office that I had taken a leave of absence. I had been hiding away for all those months, not wanting to speak to anyone (even on the telephone and not even my own family). I remember feeling totally incapable of doing even the smallest task. I was just edging back into reality...I had agreed to go back part time at the real estate office, when I was asked to interview for this major position managing the association. It was like I was a different person during the interview. I was witty, confident and came away just knowing I had the job. I LOVED IT...that feeling I had then. But, it didn't last long. After approx. 6 months, I couldn't function again, wasn't answering the phone, wasn't going into the office like I should, was cancelling or simply not showing up for meetings because the thought of talking to anyone made me physically ill, shaking, clamy. I turned in my resignation, but they begged me to stay and told me what a wonderful job I was doing. WHAT??? In my mind I had done a rotten job...I didn't feel like I deserved my paycheck...felt worthless, stupid and incompetent. I agreed and tried to resume my duties, but that didn't work and this time I didn't even bother to resign...I just stopped working and they had to figure it out on their own. All of the time (except during some of my manic periods) I have had extreme social anxiety. If I have had to go anywhere, I just know everyone is watching me, looking at me, judging me. I know they can see how weird I am, how worthless. If I have to make a call or speak to someone and just can't get out of it, I rehearse in my mind over and over what I am going to say and what their response will be...then after I have spoken to them I run the whole conversation over and over again....rewind...fast forward...judging myself and every word I spoke and how stupid I sounded, or I dwell on my facial expressions and how odd I must have looked. I have dreams where I am in a building and I always want to go to the back room, the furthest room away from everyone else, but I can't find it. I keep going back further and further, deeper and deeper into the building, but there is always someone there...I can't get away. I have no idea what that has to do with anything, but it popped in my head at this moment and I decided I would share it here.
October 26, 2001 Well, I completed the first step at getting better. I just hope I can keep things somewhat pulled together so that I can continue my journey. October 23, 2001 The internet project was a good manic moment and I was able to help my mother sell some of her collectibles and make some money...of course, on the other hand, I neglected all other household duties, children, husband and was glued to the computer almost 24 hours a day...I had shipping boxes and materials, boxes of the items I was selling all over the place...spent unnecessary monies on my own personal web site (of course at the time I didn't see it as unnecessary). It snowballed into my decision that I was going to repair dolls, start my own business, I even talked about opening up a shop. I spent thousands of dollars on dolls to fix up and sell.....and then I crashed into this...pit. At the same time I had also decided that I needed to buy a bird (can't even remember what triggered this revelation). That idea then progressed into not simply buying a bird, starting a Bird Rescue organization, taking in unwanted and neglected birds, rehabilitating them and placing them in new homes...I spent hours and hours researching on the internet, then developing a web site, contacting other bird clubs, I even volunteered myself to the position of getting a local bird club back on it's feet, designing the newsletter, etc. Of course, all this came to a crashing halt and went nowhere. I do have 2 birds to care for now...on top of my 2 dogs...1 cat and 2 hamsters. It seems that my social anxiety has a death grip on me and even through my recent manic periods has kept me from engaging in much face to face human interaction. My family is struggling financially, but I can't break free...can't focus...can't get a job. Just the thought of it...interacting with other people...having responsibilities...makes me physically ill. I have failed so many times, what would be any different this time. I am tired of letting people down. My Mother has talked me into going to see a therapist. I know I have to...I know I have to do something because nothing is getting better, only worse. The problem is that I can hardly stand the thought of sitting there and bearing my soul to someone. I mean, where in the hell do I even begin. There is no way I can make them understand how I am feeling in a short 45 minute session. It has taken me years and years to even come to understand myself this much. What hope is there for a complete stranger to truly see me and help me. Right now sleep is my only friend. When I sleep it is as if
everything stops...the pain, the confusion, the conflict. When I am sleeping, I
can't do anything I will regret, nobody can hurt me or make me feel bad...it is as close
to making everything go away as I can get...besides death. Then there are periods when I feel like I have so much energy. I stay up into the morning hours, planning new projects, reading books, writing poems, taking photos, or researching on the net. I look in the mirror and see beautiful blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes staring back at me. I’m ready to take on anything and everything. It is true that I can be very creative and sometimes even productive during these times. I stayed up night after night for, god I don’t remember how many days, teaching myself how to create web sites. Of course, I was creating sites for people before they had even agreed that they wanted me to. I believe that I have acquired and started out most of my jobs during these periods. You might think this is positive, but it is also during these times that I have started the downward spiral that resulted in losing those jobs. You see the thoughts just start spinning around so fast in my head that I can’t keep anything straight. I start project after project, but never finish them. I may have hundreds of great ideas but I can’t stay focused on any one of them long enough to do anything about it. And most of the projects I take on can definitely be classified as strange. If only I could have the energy and drive without all the disturbing, high-speed thoughts. For instance, one time I decided that I needed to raise rabbits. I was going to raise championship rabbits to show and everyone would come to me to buy rabbits for their stock, everyone would know my name and call on me for advice, and blah, blah, blah…it sure sounds silly now, but that is truly how I felt then. I bought cage after cage and more and more rabbits and tons of supplies that I didn’t even need. We live in the city, not in the country, so they were in our garage and our basement. In the end, I think I had like 25 rabbits or something like that. During this time I also decided to get rats and breed them to show. It was the same thing, I was caught up in the research, I developed web pages for the rabbits and rats. I spent money I didn’t have buying everything you can and can’t imagine you’d buy for them. I thought this was just the greatest thing and told everyone about it because of course I thought they should think it was just the greatest thing too. Then one day, I looked around and thought to myself, what the hell is all this? What am I doing? This is crazy. Needless to say, all the rabbits and rats are gone now. During the mania, I can’t think clearly. I can’t reason. I don’t listen to others. I am always right. My ideas are always right. Everyone else may be looking at me and telling me my ideas are weird, but I don’t ever see it that way (until it is too late). That is just one small example of the strange things I’ve done. It is so hard for me to relive a lot of what I have gotten myself into during these times, that I can’t go into detail about them. I will say that I have spent money to excess, started all kinds of outrageous projects, lost jobs because I am too busy or involved in "outside projects" and I can't concentrate, I get irritated very easily about stupid things, and have experienced a super charged drive for sexual stimulus. I have never had hallucinations. I also have panic or anxiety attacks. The first one I had happened when I was away from home for a business seminar. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t lay still. I felt like I just had to get out of there. I had to go home right now. I paced around in the hotel lobby for hours. I felt like running out into the street. I called my husband at 2 am and told him he had to come and get me or I had to take a taxi home. (Of course all of these options weren’t really options because I was 3 hours from home.) He talked to me for quite awhile until I felt a bit calmer. I didn’t sleep at all that night and spent most of the night continuing to pace back and forth in the lobby. I’m sure I looked crazy. I didn’t make much of this attack though. I just chalked it up to being alone in a strange city. The second time it happened, I was at a business Christmas party. I was sitting at the table with friends, talking and eating. All of the sudden, there was that feeling. I wanted to run out of the room. I felt like I had to get out of there. I couldn’t stay a second longer. I just wanted to go home. But, I had gotten a ride with some co-workers, so leaving wasn’t an option. I tried taking deep breaths (hoping no one would notice what I was sure was a crazed, desperate look on my face). Then I just focused in on the conversation going around the table. I listened to each and every word and just focused. I couldn’t even tell you how long it took before I felt calm, but it worked. I have had more attacks like that when I’ve been out shopping or at work. But, then I started having them at night in my own home. The best way I’ve found to describe how I feel during the night attacks is that I feel like I just want to jump out of my own skin. I get very nauseated and after an attack I rarely can get to sleep. They have occurred both before I've fallen asleep and I've woke up in the middle of the night and had an attack. I felt that I should write about my own personal experiences, but for now this is all I feel comfortable writing about. I am so ashamed of some of the things I've done that I just don't even want to think about them. Maybe I'll feel like writing more later. |
