legacy_november_13_1996 Legacy: November 13, 1996 And then ripples come rebounding across the river no longer still but full of turbulence as desires play havoc with the lives I watch and sudden change bloom with hope or with despair in the noon of which I live noon or nearly noon thirty-five years of age I am entering the declining half for I know this life is approaching its midpoint sometime in this decade or so oh well, I might settle down one of these years it has been interesting my old job back in August only lasted three weeks instead of the promised six weeks I didn't mind I knew I was most definitely out of place there now I work in something more suited to my personality as a door greeter at Wal-mart where I can observe so many people and perhaps brighten a day with my cheer an actor with his stage and an audience to inspire me and a cheerful tone inside my voice while deep inside my heart breaks as I struggle with certain problems one on top of the other driving me to tears I don't know though I never liked being called an uncle so when I learned of the pregnancy of my sixteen years old niece I was very disturbed the term great uncle holds no appeal for me just because it is beyond a single generation is no sign of greatness I only hope that I can live up to the billing and not use my own prejudices and knowledge to damn or to judge my niece who "did it out of love" she needs my support she needs my love if things are going to turn out right it is going to be hard enough for her as time goes by without my antics bringing her any additional grief but this still troubles me as I try to struggle for some better way of handling my raging emotions and family troubles bloom like some deadly weed elsewhere before I could find any peace of mind over my niece's pregnancy as down in Houston a brother of my brother's live-in mate died of a cursed disease men call AIDS caught from a tainted blood transfusion so unjust so tragic my heart breaks at this cruel twist of fate fighting to help my sister-in-law through this crisis I thought I did as her mood improved I hoped I gave her strength to carry on after his death but she tried to kill herself recently and I feel like I failed I should have known oh well chaos now rules the river in ever broadening patterns as the ripples multiply still there is a path calm and at peace that I thrive to reach for I know that I done all that I could and it is not my fault nothing could have changed her mind once she made it up even if I knew her thoughts I can't watch over her twenty-four hours a day my acceptance of this logic stills the torrents of tears that I shed over the past days these tears created this pattern of multiple ripples that torments the river which I call time and over time it will settle down I will fly to Texas let my sister-in-law know that I'm there to help but I can't force acceptance on her until she's ready to face what has happened in her world that is more cold and cruel now than it was once long ago now I can only point out a way to walk but I can't travel that road for her or even carry her she will have to do it for herself as the grief runs its course my brother needs me to fill in for now and I pray for guidance knowledge once I am there it is not easy on him because he feels her pain without knowing what to do love will matter and time will heal the deepest part of the wound but not all of it there will always be a reminder haunting her darkest night love is the light meant to be a guide through the sadness I will watch and wait seeking understanding guidance through these chaotic times now but I know that soon the ripples will quiet down on the river I call time Paul Vernon Deffendall November 13, 1996 prior legacy next legacy return to Legacy Index