FINAL LEGACY
The river of which
I call time has
stopped for me
and I write this
not for remembrance
of me but for remembrance
of the times I've seen
and the places I've been
the memories so keen
as lived by me
I don't know
maybe it is a
remembrance of me but
not directly at first
those poems that I wrote
during my lifetime
were my attempt
to paint a picture
of my world
the good and the bad
the serious and the ridiculous
mankind's struggle for greatness
and his fall from greatness
all can be found
inside of my poems
for to ignore one side
of life is to deny
life itself
the side of life
which most call
good: GOD
evil: DEVIL
I prefer
to call them
the light
and the dark
but it's not as
simple as day
and night
because I've walked
in both of them
at the same time
we all do
if we only allow
ourselves time
for the truth
time
I have eternity
in my hands now
I accepted Jesus
as my Lord and Savior
back in January of 1979
and I did my best
to follow His teachings
loving my fellow men
and helping them
in their struggles
I know that sometimes
I have disappointed
my Christian friends
especially when I
disagreed from their
righteous positions
personally I didn't think
those positions were
right and Godly
I didn't think I had any
business damning mankind
I thought it hard to reach
people you already judged
to be inadequate
for the love of God
to reach them
hey people I've got
news for you we are all
inadequate for the love of God
without the help
of Jesus the Lord
who gave His own life
for all of mankind
the ultimate
gift of love
I just hope that
I haven't disappointed
Him all that much
but I did my best
although I fell short
on so many counts
I did what I thought
God wanted me to do
my heart my spirit
fought for life
not for my glory
I was nothing
when I was alive
and I'm nothing now
without God
I lived my life
no better than a fool
forever searching
for knowledge
an endless quest
when the answers found
only leads to more questions
my heart wept for the
children for the adults
and for myself
I fought for my beliefs
and I've paid the price
in oceans of tears
and great loneliness
in a time when friends
were easy to find
now perhaps someone might
say that what follows
is of a more personal nature
but in the end
everything we care about
takes on a personal cast
in my first year at the
University of Southern Indiana
one assignment in Freshmen English
required me to write
my own
it was my first time
I ever gave any
serious thought to
how I wanted to
be rememberred
it's pretty good
one should read it
in the collection
of all my works
I'm not perfect
far from it
I'm incredibly selfish
with my time and
as I grew older
I considered more what
something would cost me
in emotional pain
then I think of Jesus
and what He gave
I'm not as perfect
or as patient as Jesus
but I tried to be willing
to do what I could
to help others
as the clown I cried
as the poet I cried
as myself I cried
for all of us
but I also knew joy
when I caused others to laugh
I'm not perfect and
I'm sure I made mistakes
that sometimes made things worse
for that I am sorry but I
did my best what more could
anybody living ask for
I'm on my way to
collect the rewards for
what ever good I've done
but I'm also to answer
for the harm I caused
and to see those times
I could have acted
but chose not to
and to pay the price
for that indifference
the story of my life and times
can be found in my legacy
those poems show exactly
what I was all about
for I can no longer
talk for myself
and the river of which
I call time carries me
over to the other side
which encompasses eternity
and I say farewell
to those I leave behind
on this side of the river
PAUL VERNON DEFFENDALL
November 17, 1996
TO BE RELEASED AFTER MY DEATH
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