Legacy: April 13, 2001
the rivers of which
I call time
is carrying me
ever forward
cradling me
sometimes
from the
bumpy ride
I've been on
for a year
and a few days
now
more chaos
than I ever wanted
to have in
my life
and I thought
that once my
depression got
under control
things would become
easier on me
as I wait for
what I know
will happen
to appear in
the future
boy was
I ever wrong
the one year
anniversary
of my diagnosis
with cirrhosis
strange that
some thing this
horrible proved
beyond a shadow
of a doubt my
perfect health
mentally that is
instead of
wishing secretly
for death
I cursed her name
saying
you won't get me
I will survive
I want to live
and strange
images
and phantasms
floated on the
edge of
my awareness
calling me back
throwind a lifeline
to grasp with
all the energies
I could gather
a familiar spirit
that I once knew
but now disguised
by a thousand
different tricks
whispering that
I need only to know
that it was here
to help
I don't know but
somehow I knew that
I was in excellent
hands and life
wouldn't be so hard
anniversary
what a reason to
clebrate the
condemning of me
to death especially
when I wanted
most to live
ironic
he who once
pleaded to die
now
pleads to live
I celebrate
my realization
that I'm finally
back and ready
to begin life again
finally healed
but from what
legacy
it's all here
within this
series of
sacred writinds
at least to me
or could they be
just the lunitical
ravings of a man
long gone mad
take your pick
it never mattered
to me
what others thought
some things
never change
who was this
mysterious spirit
keeping me alive
with Steven's help
in 1991
a serees told me
that two strong
spirits would
help me in my
hours od need
but I would know
when the time came
I knew Steven's hands
instantly but the other
arrived later and
kept to itself
while helping me
strange that I
never thought about it
then in 1996
I began my long
plunge into
depression
just when the
other unknown
spirit first showed
up in my mind
protecting me in
my long free fall
assuring me of
Donna's love
the one solid grip
I needed to survive
knowing that what
ever happened
there was some one
I could go to
who knew me
inside and out
and loved me
despite everything
God so many
anniversaries
in this one month
my own private fall
started in this month
and unknown to me
during this time the
fall started somewhere
else an angel died
I call her my
angel of the morning
my first true love
Melody
who I know now
to be the cloaked
spirit preventing me
from learning of
her death
until I could
handle it better
it's true
I knew in my
heart about her
death but I could
not acknowledge it
to myself
I'm still not
handling the
news very well
but calmness remains
in my bruised soul
control over my
life would be nice
but I do control life
in my being I guess
I mean control
how I act and react
to situations in
my life but I don't
control how and what
events test me
no one does
my lessons
sent from God
to enrich my life
and give me the
knowledge that I
need to do what
He wants me to
accomplish with my life
shaping my gifts
and talents to
a fine edge
teaching me that
it's okay to be different
it's strange
this ability of mine
but I accept it and
myself in what
God needs me to be
understanding
may never come
but I finally
like myself
and everything
is all right
I wish I knew
what will happen
next but I live
now for everyday
for its own sake
and not for what
I can get
from the day
I need not
worry about
anything
beyond this
because I know that
God is in charge
I'll do what
I have to do and
hope for God's
guiding hand
that's all I know
whenever I tried
to take control
of my life
nothing went well
I'm grateful
for the anniversaries
that marks my
progress through life
through the untold
ages of the world
because time is one
beginnin middle end
time knows no
mortal bounds
and we all float
down its course
and I will continue
on my journey
down the middle
of the river
which I call time
Paul Vernon Deffendall
April 13, 2001
PREVIOUS POEM IN FADED GLORYNEXT POEM IN FADED GLORYBACK TO FADED GLORYBACK TO LEGACIESBACK TO MELODY
