15.“Gee Ryan, I didn’t think you went in for the Harlequin romance crap.” Talena said as she sat next to me in class. I didn’t reply and turned the page. Beatrice had just declined an invitation to a fancy dress ball because she was going to be hanging out around the docks waiting for her lower class friend, the love of her life. So far I had only been able to determine that she loved him because of his tan and his ability to say words that made her blush. The cover had looked so promising, two guys locked in mortal combat. For a second I had hoped that it was a nice homosexual love story, but after I bought it and read through the first couple of chapters I realized it was being told from a woman’s point of view. Not really caring all that much because it might still give me the needed perspective, I continued to read it after I found out. She plucked it out of my hands. “You should just be happy you’re getting laid. I mean, isn’t that the stereotypical guy thing?” she asked, eyes wide and innocent. I had made the mistake of telling her about the night before. It was only a mistake in that she wanted to know ALL the details. I suppose if I had been in her place I would have wanted to know as well. Right now it just seemed like an invasion of privacy...actually, that feeling started after I told her.
“I guess it is...but that doesn’t mean it’s true.” I took the book back and stuffed it in my backpack, then pulled out Flaubert’s “Madame Bovary” for class. I probably should have read that instead of the romance novel. “I mean, I’d like to know that he doesn’t just want me to fuck him.” Mrs. Peabody blushed and looked like she’d heard. Oh fuck, I really didn’t need a lecture about swearing in class.
Talena sighed and started drawing. “I mean, I know that that’s a nice feeling and all, knowing that someone loves you...well, at least that’s what I’ve been told. But Ryan, he’s just getting out of college! You’re on different paths. All the teenage magazines say that those kind of relationships never work out.” She nodded sagely. I gaped at her. Talena reading “normal” teenage crap? She shrugged. “I filled out the get a free issue cards that came in the mail. One of them even sent me a free tampon.” Her blue eyes rolled. “So generous.”
“Talena, my dad was that much older than my mom and...”
“Yeah, your dad fucked over your mom, didn’t he? Got her pregnant, treated her like shit, then left. You’re just lucky you can’t get pregnant.” she snapped.
I sank deeper into my chair. I didn’t really remember my dad...my mom never talked about him, but Talena’s mom knew all and told me. Suddenly I was able to piece together why my mom was letting Jay stay. “I’m sorry.” she said after a long pause. “I shouldn’t have brought that up.”
“It’s my fault.” I sighed. “Maybe you’re right, maybe I should just take it for the free sex.”
Somehow class had started without us. “Talena, why don’t you explain why Emma cheated on her husband.” Mrs. Peabody suggested. Talena blushed and looked at her notebook which was covered with little pictures.
“Um...well, she thought that her husband was too vulgar and uncouth...she had this ideal of love that he didn’t fulfill. She read all of those romance novels at school that skewed her vision.” Talena said softly. It was mostly obscured by the popular kids whispering in the front. I stared at my paper and sighed. It really wasn’t an ideal that I had constructed. I did want Jay to love me.
“Look Ryan, if you were in an abusive relationship, would you just want to hop back into something that might hurt you again? I mean, how long has it been since your mom went out with anyone?” she said after school while we were walking home. She lived a few blocks over from me. I kept my head pointed forward and walked quickly, hoping she’d give up trying to catch up to me. “I mean, I can understand why you’d be upset at him practically using you...but maybe he doesn’t...fine then, just forget it!” she screamed, stomping her foot.
I stopped and looked at her. “I don’t want to hurt him, but fuck Talena! He’s the one that started all of this!”
“He probably thought that it was a one-night stand kind of thing. You’re the one who pressed for more.”
I wanted to deny it, but I couldn’t. Slammed my hand onto the button to get the walk light to light up. Talena didn’t come any closer.
My mom was in the kitchen writing a shopping list or something. I threw my backpack on a chair and debated whether to ask her if Jay was home or to just go up and see for myself. She looked up after a few seconds of me hovering in front of her and pointed upstairs. “He’s been in his room. He said he was at his job or something.” she said.“Okay, thanks.” I made ready to go up.
“Ryan...I heard some noises last night...from his room. Um...do you think he let anyone in?” she asked. I flinched. Oh my fucking gods, please don’t let her catch on.
“Maybe...I’ll ask him about it.” I said quickly, rushing out of the room. My heart seemed like it was about to eat my stomach. Never again in the house, never when she was listening. But as much as I hated to admit it, it was a little exciting to know that she had heard. FUCK! No, that was not cool at all.
The door to “his” room was half closed. I took that as an almost invitation to enter. No lights were on, the shades were down. Nobody laid in the bed, though the covers were all messed up like someone had tried to. A CD spun in a discarded personal CD player in the middle of the pile of sheets, I could hear a bit of it from the doorway. Nothing very conducive to sleep. Antacids spilled out of a bottle on the floor, leaving chalk marks on the carpet. “Jay?” I whispered. Nothing.
I walked forward and saw some feet sticking out from behind the bed. Instantly my heart started racing and I jumped on the bed and looked down at him. He was asleep on his side on the floor. His skirt was unzipped and halfway down...almost like he’d just given up on getting it all the way off. My hand tapped him on the shoulder before I really thought about it. I probably should have just let him sleep. He stirred and looked up at me. His eyes were tired and surrounded by bags. He yawned and sat up and stretched. “What is it?” he asked.
“I want to talk.” He sighed and put his arms behind his head. The CD player’s batteries ran out and it clicked to a stop.
“About what?”
“I...” Shit, now I didn’t have the words to tell him. “Do you feel anything at all for me? Because if you don’t, I...I don’t know that this can keep going.”
He had his eyes closed. His lips parted for a second, then his tongue licked them slowly. Words seemed to be gathering in his teeth. “I do care about you...but I’m scared about how you’d take that. I’ve seen your room.” Oh fuck....he must think I’m like Paige. I had pretty much plastered the walls with his image, clothed of course, my mom wasn’t that liberal.
“Just ignore that.” I suggested. He laughed.
“I don’t think I can. I mean, would you feel the same way about me if I was ugly? If I didn’t let you fuck me all the time?”
“Yes.” After a slight hesitation that I was sure he was going to seize on and tear to pieces.
He raised an eyebrow. “Honestly?” He went over and closed the door, then stared at me head on. I desperately wanted to meet his eyes but they were serious, not playful. I looked at the floor.
“Yes.” This time, no hesitation.
He kicked his skirt off, took off his shirt and stood there in his boxers glaring at me. “This,” he gestured at himself, “this wouldn’t sway you? You wouldn’t just start to see me as a thing to be used?! Something that belongs to you...your ‘divine inspiration’?” he said, narrowing his eyes. “Because I think you would.”
“I can’t deny that it would be...” Why was he trailing his finger along the waistband of his boxers? It only drew my eyes to them, I just wanted to...lost my train of thought. He stopped.
“I think it’s better that things stay the way they are.” he whispered, picking up his discarded clothing.
I slammed him against the wall, “If you’d just trust me. The whole world isn’t like Paige.” I snapped. He shook his head.
“I know it isn’t...you’re the one who seems to have an unhealthy fixation on me. Maybe I should just move back in with Bobby. He’s the only one who can separate appearance from reality.” He pushed me away and went over to the dresser, acting like he was going to start packing up.
“Please Jay, just let me prove it to you!” I begged.
His expression was a mixture of distaste and satisfaction. “And how would you do that?” he snarled. At this point I had no idea and I instantly regretted what I had said. “It’s better if I just go. I should never have taken that modeling job.” he said to himself.
I hugged my arms and sighed. My brain was clunking along, trying to remember what Beatrice had done. Nothing that would apply here. My eyes dragged up from the floor and met his. I didn’t know what I could say. “I love you..if you’d only let me prove it.” I mumbled.
His hand went right to his stomach. “I don’t need this right now!” he sank to the floor and dug in the antacid bottle for more. “Stupid things...” he said, gagging, “Ran out of the lemon kind...all that’s left are the berry ones.”
I knelt next to him. “Are you okay? You don’t have to...go to the hospital again, do you?”
He rolled over and laughed, throwing little tablets into the air. “Hell, I’d love that...I wouldn’t have to pay.” Then he sighed as they hit the floor and rolled all over the place. “Paige’s been calling Bobby to try and find out where I am. I guess he’s been threatening to call my parents. So I’m not exactly in the mood to discuss your little problems with my not being very affectionate.” A pause as he chewed five or seven tablets. “You were only supposed to be a one time fuck anyway. Don’t know why I even bothered going back.”
Talena patted my back and whispered calming words in my ear. I was trying to keep from crying, but...gods, what else could I do?! It was obvious that I’d picked the wrong time to talk to him. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. “I’m sorry he said that to you, but Ryan, didn’t you think that that’s all he wanted?”“He said he liked me...it’s all Paige’s fault.” I sniffed.
“Well, you were getting sort of obsessive. I think he had a right to be sort of skittish when he found all the pictures in your room.”
“That’s because I love him!”
She sighed and rubbed at her eyes. I had woken her from her after school nap and she wasn’t exactly very lucid at the moment. “It’s the image that you like...you never really told me what he was like as a person, it was either ‘He’s so handsome, I get a hard-on every time I see him’ or ‘I fucked him in the hallway.’” She yawned. “I don’t blame him for being doubtful.”
“But..you know that I like him, right? I mean, you wouldn’t be...”
“Ryan, I believe you. But you have to do more than say you love him before he’ll trust you. Paige just fucked him over, remember?”
“Yeah...I wish there was something we could do about Paige.” She nodded and leaned her head on her hand, not really thinking about what I said, probably trying to sleep. “Can’t we go over there and beg him to let Jay off?”
She rubbed her hand over her face and sighed heavily. “Ryan...” she started to tell me to shut the hell up, but stopped. “Fine, if it’ll make you feel better.”