16.It was pretty dark by the time we actually got to Paige’s. I didn’t feel like going back into my own house to get the car, and Talena hadn’t gotten up the courage to get her driver’s license yet. She was eighteen and she still hadn’t taken her road test or done anything that would let her drive a car by herself. And she was okay with that, oddly enough. I didn’t mind walking, even though she wasn’t very talkative seeing as she hadn’t had her nap. She had more in common with her cat than she realized.
She took one look at the pre-manufactured majesty of his house and laughed. “They cut down that forest for this?”
“There was a forest here before?”
“Yeah...don’t you remember? I mean, this stupid little housing development hasn’t been here forever. You used to be able to just drive out here and see pheasants. Now look at it.” She snorted. “Humans are so...”
“Okay, stop with the lecture.” I snapped. “We’re here for Jay, not to pick up signatures for environmental causes.” She looked like she might snap something back but she kept her mouth shut.
I knocked on the door as firmly as I could. She leaned against one of the stained glass windows that framed the doorway and yawned loudly. Nobody answered. I knocked again, resisting the urge to bash the door in. “Maybe he’s not here?” she asked.
“Fine. Then we’ll circle the house and see if there are any open windows.”
“Ryan! You want to risk going to jail over Jay?! He’s not the only person who’ll matter in your life you know.”
I whirled and frowned at her. “You can go home if you want.”
Talena sighed. “Yeah, well, you know they say that best friends stick together. I doubt he left any windows open anyway.”
We snuck around like little kids playing hide and go seek, trailing under all of the closed windows and smashing tulips in the flower beds. Talena made the unfortunate discovery that one of the neighborhood cats was using the garden as a litterbox. She snarled at me, but kept on following.
Eventually we reached a huge sliding glass door that looked like it opened onto the living room. Talena peeked her head over a bit to see if anyone was there. “Whoa...I didn’t know cocks looked like that.” she whispered.
“What?!!” I shoved my way so that I could see. I could see Paige’s spiky head poking up over the top of the leather sofa, but his head was bent back in a bit of ecstasy. His hands were working industriously in his pants, trying to achieve release. It was all a bit nasty. “He’s just jacking off...what’s the big problem?”
Talena was on her back in the grass giggling hysterically. “He’s jacking off to himself! Guys are so fucking conceited!!!”
Then I noticed that the TV was on...and yes, he was indeed jacking off to himself. Then the camera switched focus and I realized something. He had videotaped himself and Jay having sex.
“Will you shut up?!!” I hissed. “It’s not just him..it’s Jay too.”
At that she practically leapt up and pushed me out of the way in her quest to see. “Jay too?”
“Yes! Will you get out of the way, he’s my lover!” Somehow we adjusted ourselves so that we could both watch and not be seen. After a few seconds of seeing the distorted images I realized that it would be better if we used our time to sneak. “Come on Talena, we’ve seen enough.”
“I wanna see who comes first.” she hissed. I shook my head. This from the girl who didn’t want to finish watching the porno movie we rented right after we both turned eighteen because it was “too graphic”.
“Maybe he’ll let us borrow it later.” I whispered. “But we’re here to save Jay from a lifetime of doing that.” She made a pouty face but still followed me.
There actually was an open window a few windows down. It was a basement one, that looked like it could lead to something promising. It was an office of some sort. Before I could tell her not to, Talena had pushed it open and was halfway in. “What the hell are you doing?!”
“I want to get out of here as quickly as possible.” she snapped, then dropped to the floor. “FUCK!” she squeaked.
“What’s wrong?” I poked my head in, then lost my balance and fell in too...landing on top of her.
“God damn it, get off of me!” We sorted ourselves out and then looked up at the window. There wasn’t anyway to get back out. “Damn it Ryan, this is the last time I ever let you talk me into anything again!” she yelled. I slapped my hand over her mouth. Strains of the porno floated down the stairs. Hopefully Paige hadn’t heard anything.
“Maybe we can still find the contract that he made Jay sign.” That seemed rather doubtful, considering the five or six file cabinets that were arranged in the room and the huge piles of paper that he had all over his desk. There was a computer too, just not a very good one. I doubted that Paige would have anything incriminating on it, considering he didn’t have a scanner.
She rolled her eyes but started flipping through the file cabinets that weren’t locked. I flipped too, but only found records of his past tax returns and other financial documents that I didn’t want to understand yet.
“Ooh, Ryan, look at this!” she exclaimed, slapping a picture down in front of me.
I had to stop myself from just putting my hand in my pants. Bobby was fucking Jay...Jay looked like he was about to die he was in so much pleasure. He had his legs firmly clamped around Bobby’s waist and...it was covered up by another picture, this one a close up of Jay’s face, his chest, then another as Talena kept on showing me every single picture that Paige had taken of that night. “T...”my voice came out as a squeak. “Talena, please stop. We need to find the contract.” She held up last one from the group, an intricate spread, and I was lost. “Where are the rest of those?” I asked.
She smiled wryly. “I thought you wanted to find the contract, not get your kicks looking at pictures.”
“Well, he’s still watching that stuff...maybe...maybe we could look at more.” She flipped through the rather huge file of pictures. “But...are you sure you don’t see anything that looks like a contract?”
“Unless him sucking this other guy off is a contract, no.” At that point I gave up and joined her rooting through the photos. She was getting all excited too, but she was a bit too mature to just start masturbating in front of me. On one of our nights where we told each other everything she’d confessed that she’d never really found masturbating all that great...it was better to build up all that pressure and let it stay than have it spill over into an orgasm. I think I had told her that was way more than I wanted to know, and she nodded like it was her prerogative to make me feel uncomfortable. But I still told her about fucking Jay...we had an uneasy friendship where we told all but pretended we hadn’t heard it. In both of our minds we were still the gawky third graders were adolescent voices and bodies that only felt dull sexual attractions to unattainable things.
Soon the whole floor was covered with secret photos. Paige seemed to document everything he had done with Jay...so there were pictures of him slicing the cuts underneath Jay’s eyes, of Jay stripping silently, almost flip book accuracy, like he had a small camera that took pictures every five seconds. Then there were the pictures of me. Talena closed her eyes and handed a huge pile to me. The majority of the focus was on Jay, but when we were both in the frame the sexual energy was overwhelming. I wanted to whimper, but Talena had remained pretty damn stoic through the whole proceeding and I didn’t want her to be able to laugh at me for my folly. Curious, I picked up a picture of me and Jay almost kissing and held it up next to a picture of Bobby and Jay. There was little difference, Jay looked the same. I had thought there would have been a clear distinction between when he was with me and when he was with Bobby. But there wasn’t.
There was a creak on the stair and Talena and I froze. “What the fuck are we gonna do?” she hissed. “There’s nowhere we can hide and there’s no way we can put these all back!”
A dark form loomed in the doorway. “I thought it was you.” he said, staring right at me.
He made us sit on his leather couch in the living room. I was sitting in a warm spot. I didn’t want to think about whether or not it was sticky or not. Talena sat next to me and clutched her arms. “She doesn’t have anything to do with this.” I said. “Let her go.”Paige smiled. “She’ll go and tell. I think she belongs here.” He tapped the pistol against his thigh. “You just couldn’t let me use Jay to his full potential.”
“Yeah, you were gonna use him! He’s not just there so that people can look at him!” I screeched. “He’s a person too, not a...”
“You want to see Jay...here.” He picked up a remote and clicked play. The screen crackled and then a scene from...oh shit, he was showing us the porn. Talena closed her eyes. “Keep your fucking eyes open or you’ll have a third one.” he snarled, then sat in a chair across from us. Talena opened her eyes and glared at the screen sullenly.
I watched silently as Jay walked into the room, dressed like he usually was after classes. Paige was either behind the camera or out of its range. Jay stepped into the room unsurely, as if the floor was going to give way. He knelt down and kept his eyes averted from the space directly in front of himself.
“Where were you?” Paige asked in the tape, his voice almost loving.
“Class. I told you I had to go. They’ll fire me and I won’t...” The view shifted a bit, a hand touched Jay’s chin and he looked up a bit.
“I told you, I’ll pay for everything you need.”
“Paige...I...I want to earn something myself. I don’t think I can...”
“Don’t you love me? I want to support you, I don’t want you naked in front of all those people.”
“I...” Jay swallowed and shifted his eyes towards the floor again. “I love you with all my being...I’d do anything.” he whispered. The cheap camera was able to pick up the lone tear that trailed down his cheek. “And, it’s not so bad. It’s helping other people learn how to draw.”
Paige laughed. “They don’t have to use you to learn that. You’re basically giving them all a free look. How do you know they’re not going to murder you or rape you once class is over? I want you here with me. I’ll keep you safe.” Jay looked like he wanted to say something but he wasn’t able to. “I love you Jay, I want you here and safe with me, not naked in front of those perverts.”
“B...Bobby said that...”
“I told you not to see him anymore. Promise me you won’t.” Jay struggled with something for a second. “He was just using you. Now come here.” Jay crawled over to where I assumed Paige was. There was a brief kissing sound, then Jay was back fully in the image. “Strip.”
“Paige...we did it this morning, I’m tired.”
“Strip.” Jay grabbed at his stomach. “And don’t give me that ‘My stomach hurts’ crap again. You’re not sick. Unless you’ve been with Bobby again.”
“I haven’t!” Jay snapped, then realized that that wasn’t a good idea. Paige’s harsh breathing could be heard.
“It would hurt so much to hear that you’ve decided to leave me for him...he’s not worthy of your attention. Do you really want to live with an economist for the rest of your life?”
“No, I want to live with you, I love you.” The whine entered Jay’s voice again.
“Then you’ll strip.” Jay unzipped his skirt and stepped out of it, pulled off his T-shirt, dragged the mesh over his head, took off his socks and shoes, then his boxers. He resumed his submissive position. “Good Jay.” A hand reached out and ruffled through Jay’s hair. His gaze shifted up and the love was so there...I wanted him to look at me like that.
Talena had pulled her legs up in front of her chest and was looking very uncomfortable. “What’s the point of all this? It’s obvious he really loved you and you were just taking advantage of him.” she said calmly.
Paige laughed. “He’s handsome. That’s something that he has to share, he can’t just keep it to himself.”
“So if he was a woman you’d want him to be an exotic dancer.”
“I made him do that. If you’d flipped through the second file you’d have seen the pictures. He actually got...”
“What the hell is wrong with you!! He’d never have taken advantage of you like that!!” I outburst, starting to get up. Talena slapped her hand over my arm and shook her head. There was a gun involved, I was stupid.
“It’s not my fault that he loved me. He just sort of jumped around behind me like a little dog after that first time, I mean, I was only interested in him from an artistic standpoint. I mean, the sex was good, but I’ve had better. What was cute was how he’d do it whenever I asked him, even if he felt like shit or it was in public.”
My heart was spasming, I just wanted to rip his face off. Talena shook her head violently. “Can you just let us go?” she pleaded.
“I’ll...I’ll take over the rest of the contract, I’ll be your muse.” I said without thinking. “Just let him out of it, I’ll do whatever you ask.”
“Ryan will you shut the fuck up! You’re...” Paige pointed the gun at her and she shut up. He got up and came closer, staring at me like I was a statue.
The video buzzed for a second then became louder. “You’re dirty. I hate touching you, but you need it or else you’ll go away. Your skin is crawling with disease.” Paige hissed on the tape, Jay was shaking.
The gun was right next to my head, he had his lips close to mine, oh gods I didn’t want this. “Please Paige, just let him go.” I whispered. “Take me instead.”
He smiled indulgently. “I don’t want you. I want Jay. And he knows that I want him, he knows that I still ‘love him’. He knows that it’s tearing me apart that I can’t be with him, that he’s so far away. He’ll come back no matter what you say, no matter what you promise. Because I said that I couldn’t live without him and his inspiration. That art couldn’t live without him, that it was selfish for him to keep all that to himself.”
I started crying. Talena growled at Paige. “You don’t give a shit about art at all, you just want control.”
He was still looking at me though. “Fine Ryan, if you want to sell away the rest of your life for a dirty whore, then go right ahead.”
Talena was staring at her shoes. “Ryan, please don’t do this. If you do I’ll have to do something stupid.” she whispered.
“Talena, I love Jay...I want Paige gone.”
“And you think that giving yourself to Paige is going to fix all that’s wrong? Gods, if it’s that important to you, maybe I should just do it to! Maybe I should just whore myself for ‘art’ and...” Paige’s gaze shifted to her.
“You know...I think that given how much trouble all this is, I’d settle for having both of you pose.” he said, smiling secretively. Talena cringed.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ll forgive it all if you just pose for me. Both of you.”
“Talena, it’s not too late for you to go.” I said as she put on the costume that Paige set out for her. She glared at me.
“I’m doing this for you, don’t make me regret it.” The kimono slid over her flesh quietly, slipping like black water over her skin. I saw parts of her that I hadn’t seen since that night long ago when I tried to prove to myself that I could get with girls. But nothing had happened because we both knew it wasn’t true. She adjusted the obi and stared at me. “You’re just gonna owe me later.”
“I know.” I was going to owe so many people for what they had done to let me see Jay. “Talena?” I asked.
“What?”
“D...do you think I’m like Jay was...is...with Paige?”
She stared at me, her lips still devoid of any makeup, her skin pale with the recently applied white foundation. “I think it would be very stupid of you to pretend that you aren’t. You’re very lucky that he doesn’t take advantage of you.” She picked up the brush laden with red paint and then dribbled the red across her lips...she was a vamp, a creature of utmost beauty. I don’t know why I had never seen past her surface. She was unattainable because I felt no physical attraction for her. She was just...there. And, for a brief second, I did feel that I knew how beauty could corrupt.The pictures weren’t anything revealing, I was merely a slave bowing at the feet of my mistress, she wasn’t really dressed as a true geisha, her hair wasn’t a lacquered wig and the costume was inaccurate and slapped together. She was more a goddess of the night...a goddess of dreams, raising the staff that Paige handed her with a command that she never had in real life. I had seen Talena when our gym class had briefly tried out field hockey. She was not coordinated, she was not perfection..but here...it seemed that Paige brought out every possibility that her life held. Here she could be something greater. Then I began to understand what Paige was saying about hidden beauty and how it was cheating everyone else...I could understand why he wouldn’t want Jay to just live with Bobby and be all happy by himself. Because some things were meant to be shared. It didn’t mean that I agreed with it, but it was turning into a compelling argument.
I watched as he handed me the contract with a wry smile that betrayed the fact that he was coming out ahead. I knew that his next exhibition would have Talena for its centerpiece. And I knew that she would probably never pose again because she hadn’t seen herself, she hadn’t seen that she was capable of being truly breathtakingly beautiful.
My mom had left a note on the table that she was staying overnight at my grandmother’s, some little trouble had turned into an excuse to drag my mom down this late at night and force her to stay the night. My grandmother had probably just unbalanced her checkbook or wanted to know how to set up her cellular phone.
It was perfect though, because I could go and talk to Jay without her being around. I wanted this to be perfect. I had agonized over what I was going to do the whole time after I had left Paige’s house and walked over here...well, while I was busy thanking Talena for everything she had ever done for me and promising to be her slave for all eternity.
The door to his room was open a bit and I heard him breathing. At this point I just wanted to jump on his bed and hug him and spin around...but I knew that wasn’t what a mature person would do, and if I was going to be mature, well, today was the day.
So I just slipped into the bed beside him and kissed at the back of his neck.
He woke up in stages, then turned around and saw me. The smile, that careless little smile that he tossed at me...it made everything that had happened worth it. I pulled out the contract and handed it to him, smiling madly. He stared at it for a while...then his eyes opened wider and he sat up fully. When he looked at me next his eyes were full of tears. “What did you do?” he whispered.
“Talena and I posed for him...well, it’s really a long story, but it’s all legal.” I explained.
He smiled weakly and hugged the contract to his chest. “Y...you...”
“I love you Jay. I’ve been trying to get you to see that.” He nodded and swallowed hard. “But...I really think that you should go with Bobby. At least for a while. I was at Paige’s and realized that I’m acting like you were when you were with him. So...I really think that we need to be separate. I mean, I’ll totally understand if you just stay with Bobby, but I think I need to get over you, to see that you’re a person and not just a...warm body and a good fuck.” I had thought about phrasing, I had a great little speech, and all that came out was the halting speech of a teenager.
He stared at me like he was going to protest, but I think he saw the resolve in my eyes. He merely nodded.
And the next day he and Bobby moved all of his stuff back to the dorm.