11.Bobby told me where Paige lived. I was a little surprised, since it was on the somewhat richer side of town. Gods, I just wanted to see Jay again and perhaps take him away from that stupid fucker Paige.... So I exercised the right that I never thought I would. I actually asked for the car. And my mom let me, no questions asked. So different than I thought it would be. Maybe she was trying to cut the ties between us and let me grow up. Whatever, as long as I got the car.
Paige�s house was relatively nice, there was a skylight on one side of the roof, there were tulips and day-lilies lining the driveway. Everything was carefully placed with the absent-mindedness of those who don�t know or care how much anything costs. It was two stories of elegance. I wondered how much older he was than Jay, because it was obvious that no college student would be able to afford this much opulence. I parked on the street, not really wanting to disturb his driveway with my presence.
I knocked with the lion�s head door knocker, hovered outside staring at my reflection in the glass partition above the screen part of his door. After a few minutes, he came to the door. �Who are you? Look, if you�re trying to sell something, just read the sign.� He pointed to a brass plated �No Solicitations� sign. He couldn�t have been that much older than Jay, his face was devoid of wrinkles and age lines...but I guess that surgery could have corrected that.
�No...I�m here to see Jay. Bobby told me that he was here.� I said shakily.
Paige smirked. �Why do you want to see Jay? He�s sort of busy at the moment.�
�He...� Fuck, Paige was intimidating. He wasn�t exactly intimidating in the normal sense though, it was more because he didn�t say anything. I felt that he was casually observing the world and jotting down mental notes about everyone in it. �We have to talk about something.�
�Jay�s not available right now. Why don�t you...� I found tears running down my cheeks.
�Please?� Something unknown flashed in his eyes. I prayed that it wasn�t dreams of a threesome. He was sizing me up.
�As long as you don�t distract him.� Then he stepped back and I was allowed entrance.
Thousands of photographs in expensive frames decorated the walls. Black and white pictures in silver cages. I looked closer at one. Jay stared out at me, his head tipped back slightly, his eyes open wide enough that I could tell he was in extreme ecstasy..or faking it. Looked at some more and was confronted by Jay�s visage in every one. �Did you take those?�
�Yeah, I�m an art photographer.� Now it was getting creepy.
�Um...don�t you take pictures of anything else...?� I asked, but he was already up the stairs and opening the door to the room underneath the skylight. I followed him slowly, wondering if I was going to find more rooms devoted to the worship of Jay.
It was a well-lit room with lots of white walls and half-finished paintings. The paintings seemed to be more of the still-life variety. I sighed and rubbed at my arms. He had the air conditioning turned way up, I almost expected to see frost forming on the canvases. Then noticed something red trailing along the floor. Jay�s eyes peered out from hooded eyelids, following my movements slowly. He was lying down on a dais, naked as far as I could tell...tulip petals scattered over his skin. Blood was running from his eyes like tears. I prayed that it wasn�t from him. His hand was spread out in supplication, but he was lying on his side, his lips slightly parted and coated with deep crimson. His skin was white. It was almost a vampire like moment...except there was red glitter around his eyes that sparkled in the light.Paige knelt next to Jay and shook his head. �You moved.� Jay made a vague whine. Paige dug in his pockets and pulled out a pair of gloves that he put on with great care. �Come on, just admit it instead of denying responsibility. How are you going to be a good model if you can�t even stay still when I go to answer the door?� Then he moved Jay�s arm about a centimeter to the right. The gloves went away and he moved back. �There. Now try not to move again, okay?� I expected Jay to get up and start something, but he only rolled his eyes without moving the lids any perceptible amount. �You really have to start being better at this. You�re not working for some cheap community education class anymore.� Jay gritted his teeth but didn�t move.
Paige picked up his camera and took a few quick shots, then spent some time setting up an especially difficult shot. I watched, trying to meet Jay�s eyes. But it seemed like he was staring through me. Soon it became apparent that I had better sit down or I�d be standing for hours. Jay�s skin was covered with small bumps, how long had Paige forced him to stay nearly completely naked in this room? �So, you wanted to talk to Jay?� Paige asked, as if he was Jay�s personal guard and Jay couldn�t speak for himself.
�Yeah...um, if this is a bad time...� I began, but he looked up from his camera and stared at me. I blushed and tried to hide myself, but he came closer.
�You know...this picture is lacking something.� he whispered, touching my arm. Jay�s eyes narrowed, but he didn�t move. �You�re eighteen, right?�
�Um...yeah...�
�So...your parents wouldn�t mind if you...let�s say, posed naked for some art photos?� he asked. He looked at Jay for a second. Jay was seething as much as someone could when they were trying to avoid being bitched at. Paige smiled a bit and shook his head. I couldn�t get over how his eyes looked almost exactly like the way the Egyptian artists drew eyes...it was freaky and I just wanted to leave. But Jay was here and...I wanted Jay.
�Depends how much of me is gonna be showing.� Paige was monkeying with my shirt. I breathed in shakily, trying to push him off.
�Not as much as you might want showing, but it�ll still be titillating.� After he saw that that had no effect he leaned in and whispered in my ear. �I won�t let you talk to Jay otherwise.� I frowned at him as he pulled back.
�What are you? His jailer?� I hissed. His only reply was a smile. Fuck it. I knew that Jay wouldn�t stand up for himself because of some agreement that Paige and he had. I pulled my shirt off and Jay instantly started trying to express how stupid an idea that was. Paige was hovering as I pulled off my jeans, socks, shoes. Finally I just stood there in front of him in my boxers and glared. He pulled out some white makeup and started to apply it all over my skin, turning it the same shade as Jay�s, almost the same shade as the room. All the while he had a keen eye on Jay, growling in warning as soon as Jay tried to move or relax his pose.
I tried to pretend that it didn�t bother me how much time Paige spent smearing the cream all over my body, how my flesh disappeared into the light. Finally he was finished with the exposed areas. �You�re going to have to take those off.� he said, tugging on my boxers gently. I took the makeup away from him.
�I�ll put the rest on.� I said, shying away from his clingy hands. He shrugged, going off to the other side of the room. It was so weird to see my skin this pale and almost translucent. And all to talk to Jay. What an idealistic romantic idiot I was. Jay�s eyes focused on me dully then shifted away. The cold started to get to me almost immediately. I was freezing and it was about sixty five outside. Was this all a desperate ploy to make everything look like ice?
�Stay still.� Paige said, sticking little bits of red glitter on my face. I closed my eyes and absorbed the feeling, then flicked them open as I realized that Paige wasn�t wearing gloves to touch ME. What had Jay done to contaminate himself so in Paige�s eyes? I opened my mouth to ask but was silenced by lipstick being slathered on over the white. �Your hair is pretty light already, it�ll make a nice contrast.� he said, ruffling through my spikes. I remembered how much crap my mom had given me about bleaching it. Well, it was coming in useful now.
�Um...what do you want me to do exactly?� I asked. He smiled thoughtfully.
�Just go sit over there by Jay, I�ll get you arranged in a minute.� I sat and watched as Paige checked the lights and started framing things with his hands, acting like a real jerk. Something colder than the air touched my thigh for a split second. I looked down and saw Jay. Close up the blood looked real, but Bobby had said that Paige was only verbally abusive, so it couldn�t have been from Jay. I huddled and grabbed my knees, hoping that I didn�t have to do this for hours. Jay seemed beyond shivering. I wondered if he had some mental exercise for when teachers or Paige asked him to assume a posture for long periods of time.
I heard the slap of plastic on skin as Paige pulled on the gloves. �Alright, you�re both looking at each other and have your faces almost close enough to kiss... Jay, I know you�re too out of practice to know what to do, so just sit up, okay?� Jay�s face remained blank as he shifted and sat, his face as close to mine as demanded, almost perfect for the shot that I thought Paige had in mind. But of course Paige had to shift him minuscule amounts, making a big show of his revulsion. Jay�s eyes closed of their own accord. I wanted to kiss him so badly, perhaps Paige wouldn�t notice, perhaps he�d demand it. But no, it seemed that there was always to remain a space between Jay and I. Whether because Paige deemed Jay his property or because he didn�t want me to touch something that revolted him.
After we were positioned correctly Paige arranged some crimson tulip petals along our bodies, taking off his gloves only when he had to coax me into the right posture. His touch was heat on ice, I almost melted at it. And I didn�t find him all that attractive. I wondered if their relationship had more to do with money than anything else. Jay�s face, caked with enough white makeup that he could have been a geisha if fate had not intervened confronted my vision. I wanted a picture of this, I wanted to paint this, capture it forever. If I could have, I would have asked Paige for wallet-sized prints, locket sized pictures, things that I could turn into charm bracelets. But that would have been exploitation on the same level. This was a secret beauty of the kind that does not need to be shared in order for it to be known.
I almost didn�t notice that Paige had begun photographing, I was so intent examining every crevice of Jay�s face, every concealed mole underneath layers of white paint, every imperfection, every flaw. They never detracted from the whole. I hoped that I could look so good at twenty-three. But the chances of that happening were not anything I wanted to consider right now. My lips kept on forcing me to lean forward, to try and claim his lips for my own. Jay�s eyes reflected a kind of feral indignation, as if my straying from the course was going to get him in trouble, even though he hadn�t moved at all. But Paige was smiling happily as he circled around us, an interloper in all of these things.
Maybe we sat there for hours. I didn�t notice. And nobody seemed to care. Positions shifted, configurations changed, the light dimmed.�I guess that�s enough for today. You guys can go and clean up. Jay, you�re really going to have to work on that moving thing. I saw you trying to kiss him. Ryan, that was pretty good for a first time. I don�t think you moved at all.� Jay�s eyes turned dark, I gaped at Paige. Could he honestly deny that Jay had stayed still and I had been the one moving and still retain his sanity? Jay grabbed my arm and my clothes and led me to a bathroom that was just a little bit away from the studio.
�W...why are you back here with him?� I asked, scrubbing intently at the cream that seemed to cling like syrup. �Bobby said you guys broke up.�
�We did.� Jay said. Red glitter filled the sink. �This is just a job.�
�A job?! You�re living with him!� I exclaimed. The white was leaving his face, the blood as well.
He shuddered for a moment. �I�m his muse.� he whispered. �He wouldn�t have it any other way.�
�But you�re graduating pretty soon!�
�I know...but I couldn�t find anything that paid well. I don�t want to end up like Amir and tied to college for the rest of my life. Paige...Paige is paying me to be at his beck and call, to be his model, his inspiration. And that�s the best that I can do right now.� The white came away from his eyes. I noticed small scratches underneath each, bruises surrounded both of them. My fingers were drawn to them.
�And this was all for art? It sounds more like you�re whoring yourself.� I said, my finger lingering on a dark purple splotch.
A shaky breath before he continued. �Don�t worry about it.�
�But he cut you! He hurt you!� Jay snarled and handed me my clothes.
�J..just leave, okay?! I can handle myself.�
�Jay...I can�t. I care about you.�
�That was just your bad choice, wasn�t it?� I dressed quickly, letting the white stain my clothes. I didn�t give a shit, I was going to cry anyway. Paige was standing in the doorway.
�If you ever want to model again Ryan, just let me know, okay?� he winked at me and handed me a business card.
I glared at him. �If I ever want to see my friends fucked up, I guess I can just call you, can�t I?� I snarled and then stomped out of the house.
My savings account was at around a thousand dollars, my checking had a little over four hundred. I tried to calculate how much I would be able to pay Jay. Sighed. Maybe if I worked more over the summer, maybe if I dropped out of high school and didn�t go to college...�Ryan, are you actually balancing your checkbook without being asked?!� my mom asked, smiling brightly. But as she saw the expression on my face hers promptly turned to one of concern. �What�s wrong?�
�Would you let me close my savings account?� I asked.
�Why?! That�s your spending money for college.�
�I know, but I was thinking that I could wait a year before going. I�ve got something more important that I want to spend it on.�
�Ryan, your education is the most important thing.� Her look, as if I was just going to blow it on a car or something. I started crying. �Honey! What�s wrong?!� I let her hug me and just sobbed all over her. Words would not form on my lips.
�Well...I�ve got this friend. And...and he�s going out with this really jerky guy. Or he was, but they broke up. But now he went back to him, and... I just want to make sure that he�s okay.� I said in between halting breaths. She held me for a while, sighing and trying to think of something to say.
�Ryan...what do you want to do with your money?�
�I want to help him get out of there, isn�t it enough for a down payment on an apartment?�
�Yes...but Ryan, sometimes the people we want to help most won�t take it.�
�He�s only doing it because the guy�s paying him! I...� She pushed me away a bit, staring into my eyes.
�Ryan, you can�t always save the people you want. And you can�t buy love from someone who doesn�t care. Isn�t that putting you on the same level as his friend?�
�But...� She hugged me tightly.
�All you can do is be there if he ever needs help or decides to leave.� Why did my mom always have to be right?