12.I tried to be available as often as I could, but school and work intervened, taking away all my energy. I tried to visit him as often as I could, but Paige either wasn’t home or wasn’t answering the door. So I forced myself to draw Jay, to fill my room with pictures of him, to try and capture what I felt was lost. It felt a bit creepy to draw someone that I knew personally, especially since until that point I had either drawn composites that I’d made up myself or famous people who I knew wouldn’t care. But this was Jay...and he was just...well, I could see why he was Paige’s muse because there was just something about him that made you want to capture that moment when you talked to him, when you saw his face, his lips, heard his voice. You just wanted to draw it, paint it, photograph it, record it on cheap cassette tapes and listen to it over and over to recreate that one little smile, that overheard conversation. I knew this was turning into a borderline obsession...and some part of me was scared about that. I didn’t want to turn into a freak who spent his entire life devoted to that one person he’d seen once on the street. I rationalized it by pretending that it was only to keep myself from worrying about him.
Bobby would answer the phone and talk to me about him, but he’d given up all hope of Jay breaking free of his own accord. We became sort of friends, as much as someone as young as I was could be with a senior in college. Maybe we’d meet for lunch every once in a while and he’d tell me if he’d heard anything from or about Jay. Most often he hadn’t. It was like Jay had dropped off the face of the earth and left a huge gap in everyone’s lives.
Then one day a few weeks after I had last seen him my mom met me at the door after school with a postcard. “Um....you got an invitation to an art show given by Paige Haley. He says that the pictures turned out pretty well.” I dodged her questioning eyes.“H...he’s the one I told you about.” Her eyes narrowed, perhaps she had forgotten?
“The one who was hurting your friend?”
“Yeah...When I was there to check on my friend he sort of roped me into taking some pictures.”
Instantly the protective mom facade went up. “What?! What kind of pictures?!”
Oh shit... “Nothing bad, honest.”
“We’re going tonight and we’re going to find out, and if you aren’t telling me the truth then let’s just say that you can explain it on future job applications.”
“MOM! They don’t get all over you for posing nude when you’re trying to become an...” Her face got all red.
“YOU POSED NAKED?!! THAT’S IT, I’M CALLING THAT PAIGE JERK RIGHT NOW AND...”
“MOM!!! Just go to the show and see what it’s like! He promised that nothing would be showing...and I am eighteen!” Please please please let her just accept it, this might be my only chance to see Jay. Forced myself to present the most innocent face I could.
She fumed for a few more minutes and then sighed. “Fine. Not like I didn’t do something like that when I was your age.”
I stared at her and she blushed. “Don’t ask. I was young and drunk.”
The art gallery was sort of small and dimly lit, except for the lights that shone up on Paige’s photographs. My mom had dressed up, something she very rarely did, even for funerals. She’d forced me to dress up too, under the mistaken impression that everyone would associate that picture of a highly glossed over and idealized person with me. I truly doubted that anyone would want to talk to the somewhat tall and gawky teenager standing next to his mom. But maybe they would.I tugged on my tie and tried to loosen it. It was one from middle school I think...I don’t even remember what I had needed it for. All I knew was that it was ugly and itchy and it wasn’t helping the remaining marks from when Jay was gnawing all over my neck. How long ago was that? I’m sure the marks were still there because I continued wearing that necklace...I was actually wearing it now. Such a little rebel.
Paige walked over forcefully, he was all bohemian with his little black turtleneck and black jeans. Everyone else was dressed up, but of course the artist doesn’t have to, he’s living a “different lifestyle” one that’s more “free and open”. One where he could beat up on someone who wouldn’t fight back. “You must be Ryan’s mother. I’m very excited to meet you. I hope you don’t think it was inappropriate to have him pose for me, but he has the most exquisite cheekbones. Probably got them from you.” he said smoothly, almost purring. My mom wasn’t swayed.
“Okay, thanks.” she said politely. My mom never was one for insulting people, even if they were abusive fucks who... Paige was staring at me oddly. My mom stared at me oddly too and then she elbowed me in the side. “Happy face...” she hissed. Paige plastered a smile on his face that was starting to look like a plastic skin over a robot skeleton.
“Well, if you see a picture that you like, just tell me and I’ll let you have it, okay?” he bowed a little to my mom and then walked away.
“He’s the one?” she asked. I nodded.
“Yeah...I just don’t know where Jay is.” There weren’t that many people in here, surely he would stand out? Especially if he was wearing a skirt or something...I almost started to drool, but fuck, that wasn’t why I was here.
“Let’s look at the pictures then.” She grabbed me by the elbow and propelled me towards the black and white portraits.
Fuck...why did Paige have to specialize in the sort of soft porn that, well, I really liked? And my pants were way too fucking tight, not just because I hadn’t worn my dress pants in years, but also because, well, my cock was a little happy to see half naked men battling for my attention, even if it was only an illusion. Where was the bathroom? I could control myself, really I could. These guys weren’t all that great...all muscle and sinew. Looked at the dates, these pictures were at least three years old...Jay had only known Paige for two years. They weren’t very good, basically just muscle bound jocks running in the surf. Sort of like the kind of pictures I took when my mom wasn’t looking. I had too many drawers where I had hidden erotic drawings or photographs underneath my clothing. It was a wonder my mom hadn’t discovered them sooner.
My mom was just grinning and acting all happy, perhaps she thought that the rest of Paige’s pictures were going to be the same. However, the innocent early days soon changed and she started to blush. If she had had a fan or a program I’m sure she would have tried to cover either her eyes or my eyes with it.
And it wasn’t really that bad....but the sexual energy was overpowering. Just a head shot...Jay’s eyes were closed, he was looking sort of down at the ground, water spilled over his features, it was wet, it was like he’d just been having sex or something. I tried to imagine the circumstances, did Paige take it after they’d fucked each other senseless or was it after Jay’d taken a shower or... I was about to suggest to my mom that we pick this one to take, but she had progressed to the next, and infinitely better, picture.
I never realized that Bobby had gotten involved as well.
Of course, the card next to it only mentioned the title, Jay’s name, and an anonymous model. But it was Bobby. It seemed to have been later in the same session, both were half submerged in water, almost like they were two mermen emerging from the deep. Bobby was behind Jay, licking at Jay’s shoulder, one of his hands caressed Jay’s neck, pressing hard on one of the veins. Jay had his eyes clenched shut, head tipped back slightly in ecstasy, his arm behind Bobby...but that was all that could be seen. Somehow they were totally idyllic, it was...perfect. I almost wished that I had been there. Maybe as an observer, because I could never have hoped to capture that moment in pencil or pen. Sometimes photographs are the best medium for such art.
The next few weren’t as poignant or memorable. Maybe Paige had met Bobby and Jay at some college bar, invited them over for a few drinks, and when they were good and drunk had taken pictures of their little adventures. My mom was shielding her eyes by the end of the series, she’d run along ahead, pulling on my arm to get me to move faster.
The next two were a study in tints. Paige had tinted two prints red, Jay was lying on a kimono, the obi tied across his crotch, the arms spread out like wings. The chrysanthemum design hadn’t been colored, so it seemed like they were the odd ones out, stark black against the red. Jay’s eyes were still closed, did Paige have a problem getting the lights correct? Maybe he just wanted the captured look. Anyway, it just seemed like Jay was an angel of blood, his wings tearing away in spurts of petals.
Walked to the next. Jay’s face surrounded in chrysanthemums, real ones, this time he was wearing the kimono, his eyes were open, everything red except for two spots of black blood, one on his cheek, another on his neck. A spirit of suffering, of infinite patience.
My mom pulled me away from the rest, “I think the one you’re in is over there.” she whispered, pointing to a recessed area of the room. Candles had been set up, there were bright red tulips in the center. These were in color. The centerpiece was the picture of me and Jay. We were almost kissing, I think this was the point where I had been the closest to his lips that I could get without pissing Paige off. My eyes were closed, the red glitter turned them into sunken pits of lust, my skin was ash, Paige was right, my hair did make a nice contrast. Jay was a lover who had given everything up for me, I was the one who was going to corrupt. The tears of blood were his last gasp at resisting me, I was forcing it. Outside of that it was completely obvious that we had fucked each other and enjoyed it.
My mom turned to me and smiled. “Think we should get grandma a copy?” she asked. “He’s got some nice postcards of it over there. We could send them to all the family.”
“M....mom....y..you wouldn’t...” I stuttered, sweat beading all over my face.
She sighed and nodded. “I was just joking. Why didn’t you tell me you were in love with him? I mean, if I’d known that I would have taken you a bit more seriously about getting him away from Paige.” There was a brief pause as I absorbed this. “You’ve been using protection, haven’t you?”
I stared at her goggle eyed. “What?!” A few people turned around and stared at me. “Well, yeah mom, of course we do.” I said.
“You’re eighteen, I guess I should be grateful you didn’t do it at home.” Why was she being so...well...accepting of this? Maybe she’d thought I’d never get laid, especially after I told her that I thought I was bi. Even then she hadn’t been all that surprised or upset. It was only later that I found out that she’d gone and told my grandmother and my grandmother had slipped her one of her prescriptions for tranquilizers. But I was such a good student and “perfect” in so many other ways that my mom eventually accepted it almost as a quirk.
“They turned out well, didn’t they?” Paige asked, easing his way into the conversation. I noticed a figure hovering in the background...Jay!! I bowed a bit to Paige to excuse myself and then ran over to him.
It wasn’t that cold in the gallery but he was shivering like the air conditioning was set on arctic. “Jay...” I began, and he looked at me vaguely. His hair looked wet, I figured it was full of gel or something. A slight sheen of something painted over his features, that could have been sweat. His shirt was skintight and a very deep black, not the almost dark grey look of most black apparel. He was wearing pants, I guess Paige didn’t expect any quick fucks once they got home. They were so dark they almost looked wet. “..are you okay?” I finished, touching his hand. He pulled away frantically.
“Jay, you’re fucking covered in ice water!” I hissed. He cast a scared look at Paige and took me over to a corner.
“Please...just go, I don’t want you to remember me like this.” he whispered.
“He did this to you?! Why?!”
“It makes the blood flow slower. He wants to take more pictures tonight, doesn’t want me bleeding all over the place.” he muttered, rolling up his sleeve a bit. A barely healed over line crossed his wrist a little bit under the place where all the veins jumbled together. “That was for one of those...” he nodded towards the pictures on the other side of the gallery. “The cheek shit was a long time ago...”
“Why do you let him do that?”
“It’s for ‘art’ .” He waved his hands around pretentiously. His face fell and he looked at Paige again. “At least that’s what he says. Fucker.”
“You don’t have to do this for him. You were making good money modeling for art students, hell, you could even work at the library, they’re always hiring!”
“Ryan...gods...look, I really can’t explain it, but...” Paige had stopped talking to my mom and was slowly coming closer. “Fuck!” He started shaking more. I wanted to step in the way and protect him from whatever was coming.
Paige smiled eerily and then touched his hand to Jay’s face. “You’re drying off, come here.” Jay looked at me once before meekly following Paige. I went to the other side of the gallery.
My mom looked like she was going to puke. “That...that’s fake blood, right?” she whispered. I could only shake my head. Oh my gods... Jay was...there was...blood all over...every picture was a study in how much blood could come out of the human body. And all I could hope was that some of it was fake. It was shot in the cheap porn style, like this was a kinky fantasy that some blood fetishist had thought up. Of course, it was.
“Mom...we have to help him somehow.” I whispered. She only looked at my strained face and nodded.
“Where is he?” At that moment Paige came out of the bathroom with a very wet and cold looking Jay who had taken to following Paige a few paces behind, I could almost see the invisible leash tying them together. I wanted to do something, but what?
My mom struck first.
“You ought to be ashamed of yourself! This is practically slavery!” she screamed at Paige, jabbing a finger into his chest. “You’re coming with me right now.” she ordered, grabbing Jay and dragging him out of the gallery. He protested a bit, giving Paige helpless looks, but then it all became an act and he was actually helping my mom take him outside. I followed, taking one last, sad look at Paige before going out into the dark night air. One thought remained. Was he only leaving one gilded cage for another?