VII. “Nothing Can Fix What’s Incomplete”Lips. Moist, full, pouted. The kind that would invite any kind of penetration, straw, cigarette, tongue, cock. Mole halfway between lips and nose, an island in the midst of the milk white skin. Some would doubt its authenticity, its placement seemed too perfect. Finger traced it slowly, nothing came off, so it must be real. Nose nothing special, skipped right over that. Eyes were haggard and guarded, the shade of dead trees beginning to decay. Eyelids devoid of makeup, eyebrow devoid of any points, finger traced what was left and watched as it seeped off in a smear of tree bark blood. Hair that had miraculously decided to behave on its own without any outside intervention. Touched that as well, fearing that some of the black dye that hadn’t taken very well would come off, revealing that it had turned white. No, it was all the same, brown resided under the black. A few small marks of pink skin where scratches used to be. Fingers drawn magnetically to the eyebrow ring, pulling on it softly. Still painful, stopped yanking on it as it brought back some vague memories.
Then the surface shifted and now there were two faces, both appearing to be the same. Except the second seemed to be the first devoid of any color at all. Large breasts strained at fabric, hands felt a flat chest, watched as the other in the mirror smiled and winked. The other’s fingers traced its lips, licking a fingertip before resuming its previous position. Its lips moved, but no sound came out.
I tried to figure out what she was trying to tell me, but the sun shifted and struck the mirror, shattering her reflection. She was probably just tormenting me, but then again, I was just tormenting myself.
Paige put a plate of food in front of me. “Eat so I don’t have to feel like you’re just doing this to make me feel better.” he said. Silverware showed her face, her body, my body, my face. Touched it and felt it warm and pulsating. Visions of Ryan...stared at Paige. He was playing around with his food, head on one hand, looking bored out of his mind.It was all my fault. “Paige...you don’t have to do this.” She was laughing at me, pointing her hooked fingers through my heart. I had gotten used to the pain. “I can take care of myself.”
Caught him glancing at me and he blushed, readjusting his gaze. “I think you need someone to live with, someone who isn’t going to hurt you.” he said softly. I sighed. Would it be better to pretend that he had said nothing at all? Stabbed some indeterminate piece of yielding flesh, I didn’t care if it was plant or animal anymore. His hand crept across the table. I eyed it warily. Would it demand sacrifices beyond what I was prepared to give? Something filled my mouth, why was everything always so cold? Chewed slowly, avoiding looking at him.
This had just been to make him feel better.
Warmth on me, his middle finger had met mine accidentally. Pale blue met dead brown. He moved so that his whole hand covered mine. I made my hand flat on the table and slipped it away. “Do you need someplace to live or something?” I said after an uncomfortable pause of indeterminate length.
I knew he was going to lie. What else would he have said? “I got kicked out. That’s why I suggested dinner.” he whispered. He knew that I could see through it just as well as I knew that I would accept.
“I guess you could. But I’ve only got one bedroom.”
“The couch is open, isn’t it?”
Smiled at him slowly. “Yeah, I guess.” His lips, the only color in a face that would otherwise just be as pale as hers, turned upwards slightly.
Just knowing that he was there didn’t make her go away. It didn’t make the dreams go away either. The memories...I still hadn’t taken down the pictures. They were another sham, I only put them up because Ryan suggested it and I thought at the time that it would make me appear more serious about it, about him. Now it was just like having him leer at me from every surface, but she often acted out little vignettes on the pictures when I looked at them directly. Every time she acted out her fantasies with him, it reminded me of how totally powerless and weak I had been. I pulled the covers over my head, hoping that nothing would happen tonight.“Well little girl, what did you do?”
“I...” Shook his head. Closed my eyes and tried to make my voice higher. “I was bad in class. Teacher sent me to be punished.” Handed him the little card, one of his old report cards actually...well, I think, the grades looked too good to actually be his. Crossed my legs and bounced around nervously. If I didn’t he would make it last longer later and then accuse me of being a bad actor. He made a great show of reading it and looking at me over the rims of his fake eyeglasses. I glared at him, but made sure to be smiling enough to counteract it.
“This is very bad behavior indeed.” he said. He stood and patted me on the shoulder. “But I think we can remedy it.”
“Really? How?” His grin widened as he tugged gently on the small ribbon that was just barely tied into my short hair.
“I’ll tell you in a minute. You’re a very pretty little girl.” he whispered as he started to lick at my ear. Eyes groped me in the little school uniform he had made for me himself. A one month anniversary ‘present’.
“Ryan, I don’t think I want to do this. You’re sounding like a pedophile.” I said, pulling away. Ryan was adventurous, yes, but this was sheer idiocy.
“Jay! It’s just pretend! You know I love you best!” Fuck, it was the wounded puppy eyes again.
“Then why don’t we do it normally this time?” I asked, batting my eyes.
His lower lip trembled. “You don’t love me?”
“That has nothing to do with it.”
His face solidified. I watched him as he struggled with something in his mind, then he snarled. “Teasing will get you nowhere Jay.”
“What?!” Momentary agony as he slapped me.
“I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get me to be at your beck and call, like some little pet on a leash that is totally devoted to you. But I’m not going to do it!”
“What the fuck are you talking about?!” I screamed, he grabbed hold of my left earring and dragged me to the bed. “Ryan, I just asked you a question!” He said nothing as he descended upon me, a shadow of a shadow, a creature devoid of any capacity to understand how others feel, a ghoul completely devoted to himself.
Somehow I ended up naked, tied to the bed, she was standing over me, smiling down...
“Jay, wake up!” Dilated eyes, shock of being revealed. His hand gently caressing my shoulder.“What?” Play it off, play it off, if you don’t say anything about it, he won’t know.
“You were screaming about something.”
“I...I just had a dream, that’s all.” Turned over and tried to sleep again. Warmth of his hand still there.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Didn’t need to imagine his worried eyes looking at me.
The windows, I had forgotten to shut the curtains. Her face beamed in, she kept on ramming her finger into a circle she made with her other hand. Bit down on my lips until blood seeped up. “Just some bad memories. I’ll be ok.” I lied. The lies came easier the more I said them. She pouted and dissipated.
“We need to talk tomorrow.” he said, then he left.
I pulled the pillow over my head so he wouldn’t hear me cry.