III. “All You Are to Me is Meat”Kisses on my throat, tongue lapping at my pulse. My eyes eased open and stared at Ryan. He grinned up at me from his straddling position. “I’m so glad you didn’t get seriously hurt.” he said, trailing his fingers underneath the shirt. “I thought you’d left me for good. Don’t do that again.” His chin was trembling. How could I crush him like that?
“I won’t.” I lied.
“Come on, let’s go get breakfast.”
Amir and Bobby pointedly ignored me, Paige sat close to them. I wondered why, because Ryan didn’t seem to be upset at all. Ryan seemed totally intoxicated with me. He wouldn’t let me sit on anything but his lap, and when I was there he would cuddle me like a little kid. I couldn’t even eat by myself. I was suffocating. And I guess everyone else was too embarrassed to say anything. Paige and Amir kept on looking at me as if I was porcelain and Ryan was a klutz who would drop me at any moment. How I wished that my thoughts didn’t agree.Then he pushed me into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. “I’ve been waiting for this all day.” Tugged down his zipper. I knelt slowly, looking everywhere except at him. Should have expected it. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” He tipped my head back to force me to look at him. “You’re so handsome.” Flattery was nice, but it didn’t make sucking on his dick any more appealing. I smiled weakly. His grin was strained. Oh shit, I was supposed to say something now.
“Uh...you’re beautiful.” I muttered.
“I know you can’t wait...” he hinted. Sweat poured down my face and collected in my scrapes.
“Ryan...this really isn’t something that I...” Swallowed. The ceiling was painted with curlicues of white, clouds in the sea of dingy gray. The shower curtain was moldy and discolored, at one time it had been sunshine yellow. Hands on either side of my head turned me back to my assignment.
“Don’t tease.” he admonished, with a shake of a finger. Quick glance at the mirror, she wasn’t there. This was really happening. I closed my eyes and leaned forward. He moaned as my tongue met the head of his cock, then groaned as I took it fully into my mouth. Knowing Ryan and his dislike of anything even resembling teasing, I allowed him free reign. My hair screamed as he grabbed fistfuls of it and began to thrust. Against my better judgement, my hands encircled him and pulled him closer. It was all instinct now, I didn’t even care that he was just using me to get off. Soon my mouth filled with salt and I had no option but to swallow until I could breathe again. He let me fall back on the floor, zipped up, and left. I watched him go, wiping the semen from my face, and stared at the mirror.
She was back. I jumped up and shook the mirror. “Who the fuck are you?! Why are you following me?! Just leave me alone!!” I screamed. Her filmy white eyes only observed, they didn’t interact. Her mouth moved then she was gone. I leaned against the bathtub and cried.
The fact that I had not done enough to hide that I had been crying became apparent as soon as I entered the living room. There is only so much that makeup can disguise, and it was reaching its limit with me. Ryan, thankfully, was upstairs. Probably setting up some complicated scenario for tonight...no, don’t think about that. I sank into a chair as far away from the rest of them as I could find.They politely pretended that they hadn’t seen me, and continued with their conversation. Let myself drift for a while.
“Jay, you don’t have to take this.” Paige whispered. He was sitting next to me? Slitted my eyes. “You could tell Ryan that he’s hurting you, that you don’t like it.” Rubbed my eyes and leaned forward.
“That’s not the problem. I don’t love him. I never did.” I murmured. Amir and Bobby exchanged a look that said, “Better him than us”. And why should they have believed anything different?
Paige sighed and patted my back. “I figured that’s what it was. You’re still going to break up with him then?” I nodded and laid back in the chair.
“But I...I don’t know how.”
Ryan dragged me upstairs and shoved me into the bedroom. “Get dressed, it’s in the other room. We’re going to have fun tonight!” he giggled. As soon as he was out of sight I rolled my eyes.Then I turned to the gay denial costume of the evening. “Fuck.” I whispered. How I wished that Ryan wasn’t a Star Wars freak.
Princess Leia’s outfit for when she was Jabba the Hutt’s slave was laid out on the floor. A collar with a clip for a leash, which I was sure Ryan hadn’t neglected to purchase, a metal bikini top, then this harem girl bottom with very little between the wisps of fabric masquerading as a skirt and the briefs. “This is the last time,” became my mantra, “after this you’re going to say that you don’t want to see him anymore.” Somehow it didn’t help when I imagined what he had set up.
Ran my fingers over the bruises and cuts. I knew begging off from pain would only excite Ryan, so I had to be completely silent. Then a brilliant idea. I ran to the trunk and pulled out my last bottle from the stash of vodka I’d hidden away. Maybe if I got so drunk that I had no idea what I was doing or what was being done to me, it’d go faster. Then I drank some and realized it was water.
“Yeah, I drank that earlier today...I was gonna tell you.” Ryan said from the doorway. “Come on in.” He turned and started to step into the bedroom. Then he stopped and pulled something from his pocket. “Oh, I forgot!” A few paces and he was in front of me. The leash trailed from his hand. He clipped my collar to it. “Wouldn’t want to forget that, right?” He beamed. I smiled weakly.
“Could you...try to be gentle? I....” trailed off as I realized he wasn’t listening. He jerked on the leash suddenly and I had to run to keep up as he led me into the bedroom. SHIT! It looked like it could take all night, and it wouldn’t be fun at all. Yes, bondage can be fun, just not with Ryan. He didn’t seem to understand the concept that humans cannot live without air.
I scrambled to run back into the other room, finally resorting to bracing myself in the doorway to keep out of that room. A long pull on the leash soon turned me into a gasping heap on the floor. “Geez Jay, I thought you were looking forward to this.” he said.
I grabbed onto his boots?...shit...he was dressed like Han Solo, I was dead meat. “Ryan, I’m not really up for an all nighter.” I said. “Maybe we could postpone some of it?” Instantly bit my tongue. What the fuck was I suggesting? Now I’d have to deal with this again tomorrow night.
“What’s the magic word?” he said.
“Please?”
“No, it’s lick my boots.”
“Fuck no!” I said, rolling away from him. It’s really quite stupid how I kept on forgetting he had me leashed. He just pulled me back and knelt next to me on the floor.
“We can do this the easy way, or we can do it your way.” he said, “Now, are you going to lick my boots?” Of course, he had his stupid moments too. One of which was sitting close to me. I bit his face and grabbed his penis in a death grip. His reaction was swift. My air was cut off and I collapsed to a panting mass. Then something was shoved in my mouth. I tried to bite down on it, hoping it was a part of him...until I realized it was a ball gag. He dragged me to the bed and flopped me onto it. Then he handcuffed my hands to the footboard so that I was on my stomach. I struggled as much as I could to make it hard for him, but he had me at a disadvantage.
“Since it doesn’t look like you’re in the mood for oral, I guess we’ll just have to cut to the chase and save that for tomorrow.” he said. Tomorrow? Why had I ever suggested that? This is what came of my trying to assert myself, he twisted it around so that he got more sex.
I heard the rips as he pulled down the skirt and briefs, then it was silent. Closed my eyes because I knew that it would hurt, and he would make that pain last as long as possible. Frantically opened my eyes again. He hadn’t shut the bedroom door. Anyone could walk by and see. Tears ran down my cheeks, it was fine when Amir and Bobby had seen me at Ryan’s mercy, I didn’t need my best friend to see that as well. I redoubled my efforts to escape, but then Ryan’s hand was on my cock and thought became impossible. “I guess now I know how to calm you down.” he whispered as he nipped at my ear. Growled at him. He was just now discovering that?
Then he slammed inside and I had to scream at the force of it. Braced myself on the footboard, he at least gave me momentary pleasure, he didn’t take his hands off of me. I let him use me like the whore I had become. After an especially brutal thrust, I opened my eyes a bit and saw Paige in the doorway. His eyes...they were worse than the woman’s. Pressed my face into the covers to try and cover up my sobs. Ryan hadn’t noticed anything. He was still trying to jack me off while he satisfied his own desires.
Later, after Ryan ripped my insides apart and forced me to suck him off twice more, he uncuffed me from the footboard. “I don’t want you running away without me knowing about it.” he said, as he snapped one link onto his own wrist, the other onto mine. I nodded weakly. I didn’t give a shit anymore. He smiled as he yanked on the chain. Then he pulled me to his chest and fell asleep.I almost fell asleep...but I saw the glittering snow outside. I knew she was out there, and I wasn’t going to lose her this time. Having mastered the fine art of slipping out of locked handcuffs after Ryan had forgotten to unlock me in hotel rooms while on tour, this was nothing. Didn’t even bother checking my suitcase or the closet. I knew Ryan had locked them both.
“Jay? What are you doing up so late?” Concerned glance, then led into his room.“Paige, I saw her again outside. Please...just help me find her.”
“You need to wear something more than that.” Rummaging in his closet, some clothes produced. I put them on slowly, trying not to strain my battered body. Never met his eyes, because that would mean that he could ask me about what he had seen. “Are you sure she even exists?”
Rubbed my eyes gently. “I need to make sure that I’m not going crazy.” Swallowed any doubts I had. “Maybe it has to do with Ryan.” I whispered.
“I’ll help you find her.” he said, pointedly ignoring the last part of my statement.