II. “Frozen Mind”It was nice to be cold. Ryan liked everything warm, and that included me. He was forever forcing me to put on sweaters and jackets. Suffocating in manufactured fabric was how I spent my days, even in summer. Out here it was blissfully freezing, an ice age of love.
High heels aren’t made for walking in the snow. I sank in up to the knees with every step I took. Every step coated my fishnet covered legs in a sheen of solid cold. The pine trees were spattered with snow, as if they had been attacked by someone shooting off white paintballs. The air exuded sap and age, I felt so small. As my feet screamed their last protest at both the cold and being shoved into shoes meant for feet much smaller than my own, I wondered how much further I would have to follow her. I didn’t know how long I could last.
Then I lost her. One minute she was walking in front of me, the next, just swirling snow. Pulled my hands into the coat and clutched my arms close to my chest. Everything was white, and everything was still. It appeared that I was the only one stupid enough to venture outside, except for her. She probably didn’t even exist, she was most likely just some hallucination brought on by the vodka and my desire to escape.
Then a sound. An owl hooting or something, I couldn’t make it out. She was there again, her white fingers curling as she motioned for me to follow. Her lips moved, but no sound came out, or it was whipped away by the wind. I pulled my feet out of the snow and continued.
After what seemed like hours but were probably only minutes she stopped again. I was allowed to approach her. Her face...her hair... “Paige?” She met my eyes with clear white ones and nodded slowly, snowflakes caked in her spiked hair. Light spun up around us, the snow refracting it and expanding it infinitely. Then the impact.
“Jay?” someone standing over me. “Jay?! Wake up!” Warmth caressed my face, my eyes blinked open slowly. Something was running down my chin, hopefully not more of Ryan’s emissions. I tried to move my hand to wipe it away, but a wave of pain bathed me in liquid ice. “Don’t move yet. I don’t know how badly you’re hurt.”“W...what?” I croaked. The form above was a shadow in the middle of the swimming snow, it couldn’t be the woman. Maybe her opposite?
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” it said vehemently, “I didn’t mean to hit you. You just ran out in the middle of the road. I tried to stop.” That was it? This...thing had hit me with its car? I turned on my side and tried to sit up. “Please, just let me help you into the car, okay?”
I nodded. Somehow I knew that underneath this after-accident haze was a pain that would eventually destroy me. Then heat, it infused me with strength and warmed my frozen extremities. I didn’t want to look at my toes, I didn’t want to see them blue and purple and wonder how many I would have to lose. Looked up at the ceiling of the car. I knew this car.
“Why are you out here anyway? I would have thought you and Ryan would be...” the voice trailed off as my hearing shifted in and out. But I knew who it was now.
“Paige?”
“Yeah. Uh...Amir said Ryan was being a bastard, well, even more of one than he is usually. He didn’t say anything about this...” I knew he was talking about the costume. Sighed and attempted to pull myself into a ball so that he wouldn’t have to see me. Agony was only what I achieved. “Please Jay, just calm down. I don’t care what you’re wearing, just stay alive, okay?”
“Don’t take me to a hospital.” I hissed.
“Even if I wanted to I can’t! It’s too far to drive, and I doubt we’d be able to make it through the snow. I just...fuck, I just ran you over!” Heard the tears in his voice. Paige, what had the woman made me do? “Here, let me get a blanket out of the trunk. Can you try and stay awake that long?” Nodded. Everything started to dissolve into a gross parody of itself. I closed my eyes. Damn, I wanted to keep that promise and stay awake.
When I opened them she was leaning over me. Only her face and hair weren’t Paige’s this time. They were Ryan’s. She traced my chin gently, and I tried to pull away. It seemed that I was whole in this dreamworld, but it was her world to control. Her fingers had claws, and one of them started to rip my clothes so she could tear them off. I squirmed to try and run, but she had strength beyond Ryan’s. Ryan’s eyes stared down at me, milky white and opaque, as she ripped the top layer off. That left her open, and I took advantage of that momentary lapse in her grip to get up and dash to somewhere as far away from her as possible. Her dress fanned out and she flew after me. Knives in my back as she descended and laid me flat out on the ground. Then all I heard was screaming as she started on the rest.
“SH! Do you want to wake Ryan up?!” Paige hissed. He was holding the last of the maid costume in his hands. Warm and wet around me...the bathtub? The water was tinged with rust, but I knew it had to be blood. Was that what was filling my mouth with metal? My hands hovered insistently in front of my face, I didn’t remember trying to do that. Gravel was embedded in my palms, blood caked under my dark blue fingernails. What the fuck had I been doing? “You don’t look that badly hurt though. I wasn’t driving that fast.” he said. “It doesn’t look like anything’s broken.” I wasn’t really listening to him, since it seemed like he was just trying to convince himself that he hadn’t hurt me.My toes! I searched for them in the water in front of me. They were still whole, in fact they were that deep red of cold skin that has just come in contact with hot water. Touched them with my fingers, smiled as I realized that I could still feel them. “Stop moving around like that! You’ll hurt yourself even more!” Paige whispered harshly. Spat out the blood in my mouth. He jumped back a bit.
Caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror over the sink. Blood was spilling out both corners of my mouth and a few cuts and scrapes reigned over my face. Most of the bleeding injuries were on my right side, because I had been standing with my left side facing Paige when he hit me...I think. I didn’t know who the person in the mirror was. At one time it had been me, but increasingly it was a stranger, a creature of light and sound, a hologram of someone who once existed. Then, for a brief second, her image was superimposed over mine. I grabbed my knees and tried to curl into a less vulnerable position. “Jay, what’s wrong?” He looked in the mirror.
“P...Paige? Did you see anyone else on the road when you hit me?” I said quietly. He stared at me solemnly.
“No...why? Was Ryan out there too? Did I kill Ryan?!” he screeched, grabbing on to me and shaking me. Then he realized what he was doing and stopped.
“No, Ryan wasn’t.” Paige started biting on his nails. “There was just this...woman. I can’t even explain it, but she’s been following me. She might not even exist.”
He exhaled. “I didn’t see her, so maybe she was just an illusion.” I looked at the mirror again. She was gone. “Here, let me help you get some clothes on.” He offered some of his clothes. I put them on slowly and pretended that every movement didn’t shoot through me with violent force. “You just sleep in here. I’ll sleep on the couch downstairs, so Ryan doesn’t think anything went on, okay?” Nodded slowly. Laid on the bed and let darkness overtake me. Tried not to think about how Ryan would react.