PAIGE (continued)He was sleeping, of all things. No blanket, no pillow, just sleeping in a fetal position. It didn’t look like he’d cried himself to sleep. I sighed. At the very least it was normal for Jay. He’d often wake up in the middle of the night and decide to sleep under the bed or in the closet. At the beginning it had been worrying, but now I could take it.
I sat at the table and ate breakfast mechanically. Then I heard a frantic fumbling upstairs and muffled hysterical outbursts. Ran into the hallway and Jay came tearing down the stairs. His face wild and completely out of his mind. When he saw me he latched onto me. I could hardly breath and it took all of my strength to push him out so I could see his face.“What’s wrong?”
“I...I thought you left me.” he mumbled, lowering his eyes. A blush crept up onto his face and he shook his head. “I know you said that we’d have to be apart, but...” Bit down on his lip. “I just felt so alone, I can’t deal with it...” he whispered, turning so he didn’t have to look at me.
“Look, I’ll tell you when I’m leaving to go somewhere, okay?” I offered. He covered his face with his hand and shivered. His other hand went to his stomach and he knelt on the floor. “Jay, that’s the best I can do. You have to learn to be alone sometimes. Wasn’t that one of the things you said you liked, being alone?”
The first appointment. I had to be there instead of a family member. Believe me, not something that I had wanted to do.“Jay, why don’t you ‘hang out’” she made quotation marks with her fingers, “with your friends more often? Paige says that you haven’t expressed a desire to do anything with them in a long time. Doesn’t it get boring seeing the same people all the time?” she asked. He sat across from her, diagonal from me, ignoring us both.
“I like being alone.” he whispered. He had his arms between his legs, and was busy twirling a ring around on his finger. He hadn’t looked up once during the entire visit.
She instantly turned to me. “He says he likes being alone! It’s totally unnatural!” I stared at her in shock. Jay’s lip started quivering and he shrank down deeper in the seat.
“I don’t mind it.”
“He doesn’t mind it either!” she exclaimed. Then she knelt across from him. “Sweetie, you need to socialize with people. It’s wrong to not want to.” she said soothingly, patting his knee. He jerked away from her. “Aww, honey, see this is just what I was talking about!” Her focus switched from him to me.
“Is this the way he always is when he meets new people?”
“You could ask him, he’s in the same room.” I said a little sharper than I intended. She smiled and made a note on her clipboard, probably something along the lines of “Boyfriend uncooperative”.
“Now, dear, you haven’t been thinking about committing suicide, have you?” Her tone betrayed the fact that she expected him to say yes.
“Not seriously...” he began slowly. “But sometimes I’ll just be walking down the hall and I’ll think about how it would feel to slice my stomach open...” Fuck, covered my face, this wasn’t what I expected at all.
“I take it he’s never told you about it, has he...” she glanced at the clipboard, “Paige.”
“No.” choked out through clenched teeth. Confronted her smug smile. Jay had completely broken down and was clutching his head in his hands.
“Let me go and get some more tissues.” she said, then left.
He finally looked at me. His eyes were so hopeless, blank hazel confronted me.
“Jay, I’m so sorry.” I sobbed, hugging him. Then she came back in.
“Ah ah ah...” she snapped. Instantly I resumed my former position.
JAY
Alone. How I used to crave that feeling that no one was watching me, that no one knew where I was...now it was so scary. Paige leaving, if I ever knew that he was gone I would worry the entire time that he wouldn’t come back...
His hand in mine, yes, he was here now. But would he still be here in a few minutes? My stomach boiled and I closed my eyes.
A knock on the front door. Paige left me to go answer it. Would he come back? I scrambled to my feet and crept along and stared after him. I didn’t want to see her again.
It was Ryan. “I’m here to pick up Jay for that romance novel club!” Paige had found the books too excruciating to read and had pawned me off on Ryan. Ryan, for some reason, had taken to them quickly. But that didn’t matter, Paige was leaving me alone with Ryan, and I didn’t know where Paige was and and.... Hyperventilating, working myself into a frenzy.
“He’s been a little down today, so try to keep her off his back, okay?” Paige whispered. Then he was patting my back and pushing me out the door. “It’ll be okay.” he murmured, kissing me on the cheek.
The tray of cookies was empty, Ryan having eaten most of them as soon as they were offered. His smile was caked with chocolate and raisins. “These are really good Gertrude!” he exclaimed. Gertrude, a cranky old lady of about one hundred, smiled back and batted her eyelashes. Everyone liked Ryan and ignored me. Everyone except Her. How I wished it was the other way around.Ryan slid closer on the couch to her and turned on his charm. He closed his eyes and laid on her shoulder. I elbowed him in the side. “What about Bobby?” I hissed.
“She’s gonna croak any day now, she might as well feel like someone thinks she’s attractive before she goes.” he muttered before returning her flirtations.
“So, what did everyone think of the subplot where Anton had to repel the flirtations of the cabin boy?” the leader, Prudence, asked.
She instantly piped up. “I didn’t like it, because it seemed like the cabin boy was too attached to Anton, and wouldn’t take the hint that he should leave. Everyone knows that homosexual relationships don’t last.” A deliberate stab at me and Paige. I wanted to run back home and hug him and pretend that what She said was wrong, that we would stay together forever. Then there came the thought that I should protest, bring up evidence.
I didn’t do either of these things. I just sat next to Ryan and listened as she carved up my heart.
He was busy ‘accidentally’ putting his hand on Gertrude’s knee. She giggled and kept on flirting with him. I poked him in the side. “Are you even listening?”
“Why?”
“She’s saying homosexual relationships don’t last and here you are proving Her right. Are you even thinking about Bobby?” I snapped.
“Yes.” He curled his fingers around Gertrude’s. “He’s the one who suggested it, cuz he knew that I’d just get bored otherwise.”
“So you’re just toying with old women?”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much it, isn’t it Gertrude?” he said slowly, licking his lips. She tittered and waved her hand in front of her face.
“Jay? What did you think about that scene?” She asked.
“I thought it was sad. The cabin boy was more faithful to Anton than Juliet was.” I said.
She laughed. “Of course you’d say that. You’re in denial about your own status. I’ll bet that your boyfriend is off with some girl or another guy while you’re here.”
Knife in my stomach. Blood seeping out onto the couch. Ryan can’t see it, Gertrude can’t see it, She sure as hell can’t see it. I’m dying again. And...and for the first time, I don’t know if I can trust Paige. That thought....it will kill me.
“Jay, honey, are you okay? You’ve just gone white!” She cooed.
Blackness.