JAY (continued)Car ride home was torture. I was trying not to think about Paige cheating on me, but the thought just kept on coming and it wouldn’t leave... Ryan wasn’t any help. He was busy pretending to run things over with the car and honking the horn at pedestrians. We never said anything about my practically passing out at the meeting...but then, what could I have said to explain it?
Finally I was home and...and... There’s no way that I can take this torment. I want to trust Paige, I know I can trust Paige.
I unlocked the door. There was Bobby.
PAIGE
He came in, took one look at Bobby, then went to the bedroom. Ryan shrugged and made the gesture for crazy next to his head.
“What happened?” I asked.
“He flipped out or something. One second he was yelling at me for flirting with an old woman, the next he was zonked out. Are you sure he isn’t on anything?” he babbled. I sighed.
“She didn’t say anything to him?”
“She was talking about the book... I honestly wasn’t paying that much attention.” he admitted. “C’mon Bobby, let’s go home.” Bobby ran out to their car.
“Well, thanks for taking him there.” I said.
He gave me a funny look and nodded. “Yeah, anytime.” He looked at Bobby for a second then leaned in and whispered, “Lots of hot chicks there.”
“Come on Ryan! Stop shitting me. You just want to quit!”
“No, no I’m serious! I met this girl named Gertrude...There’s possibilities.”
“Aren’t I enough for you?” Their conversation trailed off as they left.
Jay didn’t say anything to me for the rest of the day. The house was completely silent. I didn’t want to start talking to him if it was going to start him crying again. He took his Paxil by himself and without complaint. He’d look near me, but never at me. He never looked at me.When I went to bed he turned so that his back was facing me. He never did that before. What the hell had happened?
I spent the whole night counting the moles on his back.
JAY
“How long have you been together with...” Glanced at the clipboard. “Paige.”
“Two years.” Cuticle ragged, pulled at it with fingers, then ripped it off with teeth.
“Before that you only went for girls?” Smug look. Hate her, hate her, hate her.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” Damn, my finger hurt. Stuck it in my mouth to suck away the crimson.
“And you are which one in the relationship?” She took a sip of her water. I didn’t have anything to drink. If I drank anything, I would puke up blood.
“What do you mean?” Like I didn’t know, I just needed to hear her say it.
“Dominant or submissive. Those are the correct terms, are they not?” she asked. She must have looked them up in a book because she had that appearance of an armchair philosopher.
“I guess.” I was going to draw this out as long as possible.
“So, which one are you?”
“Submissive.” I said. She shuffled through some papers.
“But why? You’re taller, stronger...you could be the dominant one.” she said, reading something off of a piece of paper. I resisted the urge to crane my neck and see what it said.
“Don’t like it. Never have.”
“I mean, if you were the one in control, then you wouldn’t have this fear that he’ll cheat on you...” she began.
“I know he wouldn’t cheat on me. Paige isn’t like that.” I murmured. Finger still bleeding slightly. Fuck... Nail polish chipping too, blood red like my fingers.
“How do you know?” Finally looked up to meet her eyes. How could someone so clueless look like such an authority on things? Rubbed my eye ineffectually. Why did I cry every time I met with her?
“I trust him. He’s never given me any reason not to.”
“Are you sure?” Bit down hard on my knuckles. Fuck her. Fuck her for poking at me with needles and stabbing me in the heart and ripping me apart...
“Yes.” choked out and full of emotion. She pushed the kleenex closer.
“It doesn’t sound like you’re sure.” Blood filled my mouth. Had I truly pierced the skin?
“Can we change the subject?” She nodded.
“What did you want to talk about?” I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to sit. So we did. For forty-five minutes.
I could feel him staring at my back. All day he had tried various tricks to get me to talk to him, to look at him. But if I looked at him I would splinter and cave. Had she been right when she said that I needed to be more dominant? I didn’t want to be the dominant one...there wasn’t the same pain associated with it, the same inner anguish. And Paige didn’t like being submissive. Not that I had ever tried it with him. He always made the first move.Felt the bed shift like he was going to touch me. Please Paige, touch me, I need you so much right now... No, he was turning so we were facing away from each other. Had he really done anything with Bobby?
My wounds were scabbed over. They weren’t deep enough to scar, Paige said. That hadn’t stopped me before, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to stop me now. So I scratched one open and let it bleed. I was beautiful again.
PAIGE
I found the blood on the sheets and saw his arms. He had opened his scabs again. And he wouldn’t meet my eyes when I looked at him. I was going insane with worry and he wasn’t making it any better.
“Jay, what’s wrong?” I finally asked. He was sitting on the couch and staring at his arms. After I asked he shrank into himself and started playing with a ring on his finger.
“Nothing.” he muttered.
“It must be something since you’re hurting yourself again.” Finally he looked at me. His eyes weren’t full of tears, but they were still red as shit. I sat down next to him and touched his knee gently, hoping he wouldn’t jerk away. He didn’t. But he didn’t do anything else either. He just tolerated my presence. His eyes were focused on the wall...was I that awful to look at?
“Why was Bobby here yesterday?” he whispered, staring at the floor. What did that have to do with anything?
“He was just visiting.” I said. “Why else would he have been here?”
“Nothing...just forget it.” he sighed, then he laid down fully on the couch. “I’m so tired...” Hazel eyes closed, he’s shut me out again. I’m not going to let him work himself into a frenzy again.
JAY
Feather touches on my back...Paige, please don’t. If I have to look at you I’ll break into a million pieces. Then, shit.
“Paige!” Laughter torn out of my beaten body. Been so long since I’ve laughed. At anything.
His face was so innocent...how the hell could I think that he was cheating on me? Because...because Bobby was there, and...and... Grabbed Paige’s face and kissed him. Maybe if I make him hurt me it’ll feel better. He pulled back a bit and looked at me with a quirked eyebrow.
“Were you just playing at being sad?” he asked. Don’t answer him, don’t answer him... Just drag him onto me, make him screw me senseless, beat out the doubt, destroy me in his arms...