PAIGERyan was babbling about something in a vain effort to get me to stop thinking about Jay. How could I? Jay was my lover, my friend, my battered and weary desire. And he was locked in a room with someone that he feared and reviled.
�So dude, got any beer?� Ryan asked for the fifteenth time in a row.
�It�s in the same place that it always is dumbass.� I snapped. He looked wounded for a second, then perked up with his dopey little cracked up kid smile.
�I know what would make you forget about Jay.� he said slowly, walking closer.
Rolled my eyes. �Not if you were the last man on earth.�
�You should try it. Bobby seemed to like it.�
�I�m not Bobby. I don�t want to be Bobby. Drop the subject.� He flopped back down on the sofa.
�You�re just mad cause I called in the big guns. You didn�t have the guts.�
�I respect Jay�s wishes. You obviously don�t.�
He jumped forward in astonishment. �Jay�s well-being comes before his wishes! You know he tried to kill himself!� Met his eyes with mine. He shut up.
�You didn�t have to see him.� I whispered. �You didn�t have to see him.�
�Well, from the way Bobby said he was acting...� Ryan began, then he became entranced with a spot on the wall. �Dude, how long has that been there?� I sighed and slumped lower into the couch.
After what seemed like hours she came out.Alone.
Utterly alone.
�Jay!� I screamed, running into the guest room. He was sitting on the bed and staring at his arms. His gaze shifted up to meet mine.
�She said...she said that we should break up.� he whispered. �That I was stupid...that I needed to go back on the drugs, to take a vacation, to...� His eyes widened and his lip quivered. While his body shook he didn�t change posture at all.
I sat next to him and he continued just sitting there. �Is that how you feel?� Bloodshot eyes squeezed tightly shut as he grabbed me. Hands kneaded my back in some desperate attempt to gain leverage. He cried softly and without the violence of previous encounters.
�No.� whispered in between gasps for breath. �Never.�
I covered him with my arms and let him cry. Nothing could tear us apart.
Except Ryan, who was talking with her out in the hallway. Both of them kept on looking at us like we were insane. I was obsessed with Jay. Nothing else mattered.
His finger caught on my collar and he traced it smoothly. �Don�t let them lock me up.� Kissed his words away. I knew there was nothing I could do. If she decided to file a report or something about it, there was a good chance that I wouldn�t see Jay for a while...and it wasn�t like there was a guarantee that I ever would see him again. His eyes were closed and he wasn�t shaking as intensely, but I rocked him anyway.
�Hey, she thinks that Jay should spend time in a...� Ryan said, then, in an exaggerated whisper, �place for people like him.� Jay�s eyes shot open and his nails sank into my flesh. I tried to pretend that it was nothing.
�Tell her no. He�d die if he was placed somewhere like that.�
�Dude, he did try to kill himself. I think he needs a change of scene.�
She called from the hallway. �There�s always the quilting club!�
Ryan smiled and nodded. �Yeah, maybe if Jay meets some new people he�ll feel better!�
Jay�s eyes were still shut and clenched. He shook his head into my chest. �No.� he whispered. I coughed to cover it up.
�Sure. We�ll try it.� I said. Hopefully it would make her go away and leave us in peace.
JAY
There was some thread and a needle in front of me. Neither seemed to be even remotely connected to each other. My mind came up with vague notions of ways to use them...all discarded after I looked at my arms. Everyone else was doing something. Paige wasn�t. He didn�t have any idea how to start. I felt like I was back in art class in elementary school.
It didn�t help that SHE was there. There with all her friends. I knew why she had suggested that we join. So she could watch me, judge me, control me.
A light touch on my arm and I jumped. Paige�s hand on my shoulder. �Whoa, Jay, I�m sorry. It�s just that we should probably pretend to do something.� he whispered. Scissors.... My thumb began to throb. Shook my head. Paige nodded. �I�ll cut and you can pin?�
The needles were even worse. Shook my head again. �I just want to go home.� That psychiatrist radar must have gone on, because SHE was staring at me again.
�So, Jay, have you read the book for book club yet?� What? Her romance novel book club too? A glance at Paige revealed that yes, we were enrolled in the seven levels of hell.
�What did you think about the scene where Anton discovers Juliet bathing?� Shrank down in my seat. She seemed to think that by making Paige and I read stupid romantic drivel that we would turn straight again.
�I didn�t get that far.� I said timidly. �I�m still on chapter one.� Closed my eyes and waited for the next entrance into society. I am not a social person, interviews are torture. It�s all I can do to keep myself from screaming...so I bite my lip and look at the floor instead.
�You better get reading then. You�re supposed to have it finished by tomorrow.� she said, not kindly. Comebacks whirled through my mind, but died. I just sat there and pretended that I was still alive inside. Paige�s hand patted my thigh gently, so as not to arouse her suspicions.
My arms were sore and itchy again. Paige had suggested that I wear long sleeves for a while, until the inflammation died down and they were a somewhat normal color. I didn�t argue. I wondered what she would do if I just took the scissors and stabbed myself in the heart...NO! Stop thinking that!
I put my hand over Paige�s and squeezed his. Hard. He started and watched me closely. Must have been shaking again because he cupped my hand between both of his and caressed it slowly.
�Alright people, I think that�s enough for right now.� the leader or whoever said after hours of girlish chatter and Paige trying to keep me grounded.
Kisses in the parking lot, fumbled clasps, slammed doors, finally on bed, Paige above me, Paige always above me....Met his lips with mine, gods it had been so long, I needed this so bad...and he didn�t look like he would refuse.�Jay, are you sure?� How could he even ask that? It was all that I lived for anymore. Brief moments of pleasure snatched from days that consisted to a great degree of merely existing. Didn�t say anything and licked his jaw. His eyes flickered closed and he smiled. �Not that I�m arguing.�
Then the feeling that I wouldn�t be anything more than pain and blood and gore unless he was in me. Fingernails caught in his shirt, tried to tear it off, he had to touch me now, skin to skin, nothing between us. He shook his head and pulled my hands away. Then he slowly peeled my shirt up, trailing his fingers across my chest. There was nothing I could do, all my strength left me. Just accepted it as he removed my clothes. A low moan as he reached the hardest part. Then he was gone. I opened my eyes and discovered him undressing quickly...smiled lazily and then closed my eyes again. I was so tired...but this would feel so good...
His tongue on my chest, his fingers tracing my tattoos, I wanted him so bad. Teeth nipped my nipples, fingers in my mouth, fingers underneath and inside, pleasurable torment. Spun in desire, twisted in pain, wanted so much more than he could give me. Whimpers, moans, none of them made him stop teasing and probing. Finally I just let him do whatever he wanted, because I knew it would be good, and I trusted him. But did he truly trust me? He...he was sticking with me, he hadn�t left yet. But when would he?
PAIGE
Jay was so peaceful looking, his face was untouched by the pains of the previous day, only his arms were still raw and broken, I had to kiss them, to show him that they were fine, that I wouldn�t leave him.
He was lying in bliss, but as soon as my lips met his arms his eyes shot open and frowned at me. �Paige, don�t touch them. They�re not beautiful unless they�re bleeding.� he whimpered. So I stopped. Everything. His face curled in torture and his arm shot out and grabbed my hand.
�You said you didn�t want me to touch you.� I joked. He nodded tiredly and abandoned himself to me.
�You know what I meant.� he said tiredly. Covered his lips with my own, stalling for time. He gasped as we collided, sank his fingers into my back. Clenched teeth as he feverishly scrabbled for purchase on my sweaty skin. �Come on...Just screw me already.�
�You want it like this?� Incredulous look. He was impatient, tired, depressed, aroused... Not a good combination.
�Have I ever asked for it any other way?� Quietly as he licked the spot in the exact center of my neck. His legs apart, around me, shoved in, he didn�t do anything, just laid there and accepted it like it was his due, like it happened every day. But as soon as I moved, then his face just broke into the most calm and peaceful expression that I�d ever seen. Soon he was panting hard, pulling me in, sucking me down into the abyss of pleasure and pain. Now I knew why he craved it so.
Later, curled up together, his head in the crook of my neck, he was taller but he�d always make himself smaller than me. Now even more so.
Woke up in the morning. Jay wasn�t in the bed. He was under it.