JAYIt was so different than what I thought it would be like. The pain was delicious, yes, but but...it wouldn’t stop. And the water was so cold. There was only so much that I would do for Paige, and this was stretching it. “Paige....just let me die, ok?” I whimpered.
He pretended not to hear me and kept on washing my arms off. He was scraping my skin off, ripping me down to bone, it was all that I deserved. My head lolled into his chest and he paused for a moment to let me rest. “It’s okay.” he whispered, stroking my head slowly. I closed my eyes, it was getting so hard to stay awake. Then he started again. I had to grimace in pain, trying to bite down on him so that he would stop.
“I need to get rid of all this blood so I can see if you need stitches.” he said gently. I instantly tried to jerk away. He held me firmly, and I had no strength to protest.
“No hospitals.” whispered over and over, my mantra.
Then he was done tearing me to pieces. My forearms were so pretty. Crisscrossed with slashes, some horizontal, diagonal, vertical...beautiful. I wanted to faint they were so stunning. Then PAIN. Flares of activity across my brain, fires in my stomach, my arms were burning in the hell of hydrogen peroxide. Tears rolled, but I was too tired to sob or do much else. I felt like I was drowning in pain, gasping for breath, my stomach trying to make me vomit. Paige was pretending not to notice...how I loved him for that. I was already weak enough without his pity.
His fingers traced the lines of my insanity, sweat leaving a stinging trail. I shivered, leaning further into him. He was so warm, and I was so cold. But he gently pulled away and leaned me against the bath-tub, going off to find some bandages. I was alone. Wasn’t this what I always wanted? No. I crawled towards Paige and grabbed onto his leg. He looked down at me in shock. “What’s wrong?”
Lower lip trembled, shit not again. “I...I...” no energy to say anything else. Rested my head against his leg. He sighed and sat down next to me.
“I was just over there, I’m not leaving again.” he said. “Now give me your arms, okay?” I bared them for him, only for him, it was all for him...
Soon they were bound and sore, I was so tired, I wanted to sleep forever. “Come here, you can take a nap, okay?” He tried to pick me up, but I was too heavy. So I let him help me into our bedroom and lay me on the bed. Then he tried to leave.
“No...” I moaned. “I can’t sleep without you here...” He shook his head sadly.
“Jay, you better get over this soon, there are times when we do have to be apart.” But he came and laid next to me anyway. I hugged him, tried to keep him there, tried to anchor myself. Then his arms surrounded me and my whole body gravitated to him. He smiled and sighed. “Just go to sleep.” he soothed.
PAIGE
He was quiet and not hurting himself. It was all I could ask for. I knew it wouldn’t last, his impulses would get the best of him. Even eating couldn’t stop it. Ran my fingers over the bandage, he flinched and pulled away a bit. But he kept his eyes closed, so he must be starting to trust me again. I tried to move away, and his grip grew tighter. He moved so that his head was lying on my chest. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Closed my eyes and drifted...
Frantic pulls on my arm woke me later. Jay’s face was torn in torment, soundless sobs crossed his lips and he shivered uncontrollably. I grabbed him instantly, hugging him until he started making noise again. “What’s wrong?” I asked.“I...I cut myself! Hurt myself, blood blood blood blood...” he chattered. “Paige, look at my arms!” Peeled the bandages back, revealed long stripes of red and raw skin, some still active. “You’ll have to send me away, they’ll never let me see you again...” he screamed, grabbing me as tightly as he could. I hugged him back firmly.
“I’ll never send you away, I know it was my fault you hurt yourself...just shush.” I whispered, cooing nothings into his ear until he quieted. His fingers still clutched me firmly, and he was still crying, but he was quiet. And quiet was all I asked for.
“Why do you even stay with me? You hate me.” spoken quietly. Bottom lip instantly covered with teeth after he said it. “I...I didn’t mean that...” “Are you sure you don’t want to go and talk to her again? She might be able to make this easier for you.” I asked. He shook his head slowly.
“It helps more to be with you.” Lips against my throat, kissing tenderly, tongue running over my neck. Met his lips with my own, tongues play gently, then pulled apart.
“I don’t want to destroy you, I think I would if we kept on.” Nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck. Sighed against my pulse.
“I know.” He squeezed his eyes closed and his fingers automatically went up to his mouth. I grabbed his hand gently.
“You don’t need to tear your fingernails to shreds, I’m here.” He nodded, but his hand was still inexorably pulling towards his mouth. I put it into mine and he relaxed instantly. “Relief doesn’t always have to come with pain.”
The doorbell rang. I disentangled Jay’s legs and arms from around me and went to answer it, knowing that he was following close behind, trying not to let me get out of his sight.
I opened the door. It was Jay’s psychiatrist. And Ryan.
JAY
She’s here, she’s here! Paige lied to me, he did call her! Wanted to run back to the kitchen and eat all the glass that I could, drink Drano, anything but see her again. But..but Ryan was there. Why was Ryan there? He doesn’t care, he acts like everything is a big joke. I tried to hide behind Paige.
“Yo, um, Bobby told me what Jay was acting like, and I figured that he’d probably guilt-tripped you into not calling her, so here she is.” Ryan said. Paige was still standing in the doorway, not letting them through. I love him so much. “Aren’t you gonna let us in, man?”
“Jay doesn’t want to see her.” Paige said simply.
Then someone grabbed my arm and pulled me out into the light. It was HER arm, HER skin touching mine. I screamed and tried to tear away, but she wouldn’t let me. “Jay, honey, what did you do this for?” She ran her hands over the bandages. Paige, why don’t you save me? My efforts to escape were useless, there was no way I could escape her accusing eyes, and they were centered on Paige.
“He didn’t do it! It’s not his fault!” I howled, trying to grab onto Paige. But Ryan, Ryan was holding Paige back. “Don’t leave me with her!”
“Oh sweetie, I’m not that bad am I? I don’t bite!” she said in her talking to crazy people voice, the voice she always used with me.
“You do bite! Paige!” I screamed until I thought that it was the only sound that ever existed. Ryan stopped Paige from doing anything.
“Just let her talk to him. It’ll help. Maybe in the guest room?” he suggested. Paige sighed and nodded, looking at me with eyes full of tears.
“Good. He needs some supportive elements in his life.” she snapped, pointedly looking at Paige. Then back at me. “Now does little Jay want to come with me and talk for a little while?”
Shook my head, no, she thinks that Paige just keeps me down, that the only reason that I’m with him is that he’ll support me no matter what I do. She thinks it’s just a phase I’m going through, never mind that I’m thirty-four and I...I think I can take care of myself.
Paige mouthed, “Just go along with it.” I nodded, but it hurt so much. I didn’t want to go through that experience again. Never ever again, being stuck in a room with HER for hours and having her treat me like a child again. But I had to go.
Soon I was locked in the guest room again.
And Paige couldn’t come in and save me.