PAIGEDamn it, I couldn’t even look at him, he was crying again, and it was all because I couldn’t keep control of myself. Finally his sobs died down a bit and he gasped for breath. I grabbed the blanket and pulled it over both of us. “We’re sleeping now Jay. No more crying, no more trying to fuck each other, just sleeping. Understand?”
Jay nodded slowly, curling into me. “I love you so much Paige, so much...” he whispered.
I sighed and encircled him with my arms. “I love you too Jay. Now try to sleep.” Since he had used all his energy up crying, sleep came quickly for him. I stayed up all night worrying about him. How was I going to control him, how could I help him?
I must have fallen asleep after that because then it was morning and I was alone.Searched for Jay in the bedroom, sometimes he liked to sleep under the bed, in the closet, anywhere small and dark. No, he was in the kitchen.
Staring at the knives.
They were right in front of him, he was just sitting and looking at them. Jaw clenched, eyes intent, yet rimmed with red. How long had he been here?
“Jay?” I asked from the doorway. He looked up at me, his face drawn and taut. “What are you doing?”
“If...if you make me go back...I’ll...” he stopped and shook his head. “Paige, I don’t want to!” he cried.
“I’m glad you don’t, but why didn’t you just tell me that you felt like this?” Still in the doorway. I needed him to come to me, to get away from the knives.
“I didn’t know until this morning.” he whispered.
“Come over here.” I said.
His eyes widened and his hand crawled slowly towards the knives. “I...I...can’t.”
JAY
They sat in front of me, I stared at them, longing to caress their sharp blades with my arms...oh the blood would spill... A lazy smile drifted onto my face. Paige was gone. All that was left were the knifes.
Wooden handles, Ginzu or something, I don’t remember, I don’t even remember where they came from. Just every kitchen has to have a wood-block with knives sticking out of it. And I love that. I love the knives, the pain that they can release. My tongue licked my lips, I wanted it so bad. My arms were bleeding already, but I knew it wasn’t real. This would be real. This would be beautiful. This would be...
A knock on the door. Footsteps, door opening, someone else here. Raised my eyes. Bobby. And Paige. They stared in at me. “He’s been like this all weekend. I don’t know if he can even understand me.” Paige whispered.
Bobby came closer. “Jay?”
My first instinct was to bite him. Damn them both for thinking that I couldn’t hear them. Of course I didn’t bite him. The knives were enticing. My hand crept closer. I couldn’t rush this. Had to draw it out. Warmth surrounded my hand, looked up, there was Bobby. “Jay, you don’t really want to do this, do you?” His dad voice. Anytime anyone had a problem there was Bobby with his damn dad voice. Pulled my hand away. It just happened to land on a knife. Oh...closed my eyes, drew it out slowly, until the tip came out. Paige ran over, grabbed my hand, tried to make me drop it. Bobby got me from behind, then they both propelled me to the floor.
“Drop the knife Jay.” No fucking way. I had finally gotten the courage to grab hold of it, there was no chance of me letting go now. Paige pried my fingers off of it and then pushed it away on the floor. I howled in loss. I could sense that they could barely hold me down, so I took advantage of that. I threw my whole body into it, and that was enough to get them off of me for the moment that I needed. The knife was mine once again. “Jay, please don’t!” Paige cried. Shit, I was really screwing him over....he hadn’t slept at all last night and now I was....such thoughts left me as the knife hovered over my arm.
Bobby’s face burst out in a sheen of sweat. Paige was covering his face with his hands. And I was just staring at the knife. In my panic, I had grabbed the grapefruit knife. My eyes confronted the angled blade and my vision shattered into a million pieces. The knife dropped to the floor. Bobby instantly grabbed it and the rest of the knives and left the room. Paige knelt close to me and touched me gently. “Why didn’t you do it?”
I couldn’t look at him, didn’t want to look at him. “It wouldn’t have looked right.” I squeaked. He looked at me incredulously.
“It wouldn’t have looked right?” he said slowly.
Squeezed my eyes shut. Can’t he see how much it hurts to exist? Fingernails raked across my arms, they only turned red for a moment and then stopped. Then his face was in front of mine and he was lifting me up. “I’m going to put you in the guest room so I can have a few minutes of peace and quiet, okay?”
At that point I was beyond caring.
PAIGE
What the hell was I supposed to do? He had actually tried to hurt himself. There was no way I could Jay-proof the house with him right there sobbing the whole time. So I tried to pick him up, but gave up, since Jay wasn’t as thin as he looked. I settled for dragging him to the guest room and then putting him on the bed. He stared at me as I moved things in front of the windows and removed anything sharp. There was no movement from the bed. I walked over and looked down at him.
I tried to remember how he looked before, when he was calm and not constantly crying. In fact, he had never cried at all when he was around me before. I didn’t know how to take it. It was even worse than when he acted helpless, because then I knew that he was pretending. This was serious, this was actual tears, and it’s harder to fake tears and crying jags that last hours than it is to fake being helpless. And I knew that he wasn’t faking.
His eyes were so fucking red.
And they were centered on me. But he was just lying there. Just existing. I didn’t want to do it, but I had to. I walked out of the room and locked the door.
Bobby was standing there. “You locked him up?” he asked. Grabbed a cigarette and lit it. Began smoking.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Exhaled. Inhaled. “I need to hide everything that’s sharp and he’s reasonably sane when contained.” I explained.
Bobby nodded slowly. “It’s still kind of mean though.” His face....he looked like I was being a monster. And I knew I was. Tear rolled down my cheek, I let it stay there. Maybe it would clue Bobby in, that this was hurting me too, that Jay wasn’t the only one suffering.“He needs you right now, and you’ve locked him up in a room alone.” That did it. I turned away and stomped off instead of punching him like I really wanted to.
Sat down in the couch, another deep drag off the cigarette. It wasn’t helping me calm down at all. “Look Paige, why don’t I stay with him while you’re cleaning up?” he suggested. Oh shit, would Jay try to have Bobby rape him too? I didn’t know...he was so messed up. But I felt really guilty about locking Jay up alone too...
“Fine, keep him company.” I grunted, finally getting started moving all the crap that could be used as a deadly device from the living room. I was crying, but I wasn’t going to let Bobby see that.
JAY
The lock clicked and I sat up and stared at the door. Was it Paige? Things are always better when Paige is here. “Jay, it’s Bobby.” Flopped back down on the bed. Bobby. Tried to control the shivering. Bobby would think that I needed to go back to the psychiatrist, Bobby would want me to be put in an institution. “What’s going on? Is there anything you want to talk about?”
“No.” Couldn’t say that I didn’t want to talk to him. Sighed. My arms were free of blood, free of pain. My mind wasn’t. I started to remember.
“Jay! What’s wrong!” Oh shit, I was crying again. I curled up into a ball and shook my head frantically.
“Nothing!” I sobbed.
“Look, I’ve never seen you this fucked up before and it’s making me worried.”
Fuck him. I really don’t care about how ‘worried’ he is. They are all just tolerating it because of Paige. If Paige wasn’t here....I’d be locked up for the rest of my life. At the thought of spending the rest of my life in a white room I snapped. I ran to the door and started desperately banging on it. Then my hands met air. Bobby had pulled me away. Oh hell no, I have to get out of here, have to tell Paige that I’m fine, that just because I see blood on my arms doesn’t mean that I’m crazy. Paige will believe me. I started screaming and attacking Bobby, kicking at his legs, but he had strong arms and I couldn’t move. He let me tire out and then relaxed his grip. “Don’t lock me up, please...” I whispered. He guided me back to the bed and made me sit down.
“Jay, we’re all here for you. We’re not just going to give up on you. But you have to try too.”
“I did try.” choked out. Paige hates me. I know he does. Why wouldn’t he come and rescue me? I can’t blame him, they all hate me. Sure, they pretend to like me when I’m around, but I’m so plain and helping me just isn’t worth it for what they get out of it. There are better singers than me, better friends than me, better lovers than me. They should realize that and just leave me alone. “Why don’t you just go back home?”
“You need me.”