PAIGEHe’s not taking this very well. I’m not surprised. He never takes anything very well. Always going to extremes. I guess I should be thankful that he only thinks about cutting himself and never actually does it. Sleeping on the floor, he looked like any one of a number of cute things, yet I never gave him any pet names. He wouldn’t stand for it, and I doubt he’d like it if I started now.
It was last year when he started acting strangely. He wouldn’t talk for days, and when he finally did break the silence he either gave mono-syllabic answers or screamed at whoever was around. It wasn’t even like he was screaming things that made sense, it was more for the feeling of it. Finally I just asked him what was wrong and he totally collapsed. From then on it’s been total anarchy.
Yes, there were moments of lucidity. He was even capable of carrying on conversations, even though they mostly centered around himself. It must have been something the psychiatrist had told him to do. He’d come back from his appointments with lists of things to do. We never did any of them. Maybe that’s what’s bothering him. But he’s asleep, so I can’t ask him if our never going to the Artichoke Fest or not joining a quilting club hurt him.
His hands were twitching, I noticed the scabs, the scars, the cuticles he always chewed on when he thought no one was looking. Self-destructive impulses drove him, and I guess they still do. I was relieved that he was finally sleeping. He hadn’t been able to for so long, and when he did it was as if he hadn’t slept at all. He’d nap all day and never get up. It got so that I was used to covering for him in interviews and elsewhere. Nobody else seemed to notice that he wouldn’t leave the house for weeks on end, and sometimes he wouldn’t even leave the bedroom.
His eyes were threatening to open, so I shrank back from him. He didn’t like waking up to someone looking down at him...I doubt anyone would. He stirred and finally I saw the hazel of his eyes. “Paige...” he moaned.
“What?”
Nothing. Not even a flicker of cognizance. Was he faking it again?
“Jay?” He didn’t move. Now I was worried. I shook him gently and his eyes rolled sickeningly. “Jay!” I screamed.
After a few moments that seemed like hours he gasped and started sobbing. “What’s wrong with me?!” he screamed. I held him tightly as he cried onto my shoulder.
“Nothing...it’s just the Paxil coming out of your system. Don’t worry, I’m right here.”
His lower lip trembled and he clutched me tighter than was comfortable, but I wasn’t about to pry him loose. “I feel so dizzy.” Eyes clenched shut, fingers grasping at my arms. There was no way I was letting go of him now.
JAY
Paige is here, Paige is here, it’s okay because Paige is here. The room isn’t spinning, the blinds don’t look like knives, I’m not going insane, because Paige is here.
“Jay, why don’t we lie down, okay?” he whispered. I cringed. It hurts hurts hurts to listen even to his voice, even to the air. “It’s okay.” he soothed as he gently picked me up and moved me onto the bed. But it wasn’t, couldn’t he see that?
“Paige...don’t leave.” I said. He shook his head.
“I’m not going to leave you.” The room spun more and more, I couldn’t see him. Whimpered for him, searched for him. “I’m right here.” Hand on my shoulder, pulled me closer. I clung to him, hoping that he would be able to keep me centered. I looked at my forearm. Paige followed my gaze and stroked it gently. “It looks much better this way.”
“But...blood...” I whimpered. He licked it slowly.
“No blood.” Tears flowed, I couldn’t stop them.
“Blood.” Sobbed in a choked voice. How can I live without that thought? “Jay, you don’t need it, you’re pretty without the blood.” Paige whispered. I pulled at his shirt, trying to equalize the pressure in my brain with the spinning outside.
“I do, I do, it’s the only thing that keeps me sane. Let me keep it.” I begged. He shook his head and hugged me closely.
“You’ll get through this, I know you will.” I don’t want to get through this. This is too hard. I just want to see the blood. I fought him and tried to escape. When I broke free I rolled onto my back and cried even harder. I still couldn’t see the blood.
“Paige, let me have a knife!” I whimpered. He pulled me back into his embrace.
“You don’t need a knife.”
“Yes I do, I need it so bad.” My wrists were itching to be loosed, I wanted to rip them open.
“I’m not letting this relationship die just because you want to.” he said, trying to rock me silently.
“Relationship? I thought you were just my friend.” My mind was confused, what the hell did he mean, relationship?
“I don’t fuck someone who’s just my friend.” he said coldly. I felt him trying to move away and dug in deeper.
“I’m sorry...I can’t think clearly...can’t ever think clearly anymore...” I mumbled, burying my face in his chest.
PAIGE
Now he can’t even remember that we’re lovers? How screwed up is he? He’s crying his entire body out on me and he can’t even remember that we have sex? But I couldn’t blame him. His entire face was red and it looked like it hurt to cry, but he still kept on. I sighed. How long would this go on? The doctor had said it could be weeks. And this was just reducing his dose to every other day. I wanted to take him away from all of this, but how could I when it was all in his mind?
His eyes, when they opened, were bloodshot and looked sore. He rubbed at them ineffectually. Then he simply collapsed and stared at me. “Paige?”
“Yeah?” Hips collided and he pulled me on top of him. “No Jay, I’m not going to fuck you. Not now at least. You’re not feeling well.” Eyes pleaded with me. “No!”
He sighed and turned away. What the hell was going through his mind? Mumbling to himself. I couldn’t catch any of the words. Was he cursing me? Then he started crying again. If I ever find the person who invented anti-depressants, I will smack them for making Jay go through this to come clean.
“Paige...please...” whimpered softly, clutched my shirt, lips at my throat.
“Not now Jay.” Disentangled him, pulled him into a hug, a friendly hug, not one that would lead to sex and his inevitable destruction.
JAY Felt so hot, the room was boiling, my pants were too tight. Paige wouldn’t loosen them, I finally felt like screwing and he didn’t want to. Drugs took away my libido, now that it came back, my behavior was taking away my lover. Couldn’t stop the tears, couldn’t stop trying to pull him closer than he wants to be.
“Please Paige.” I traced the planes of his face, he flinched and pulled away. I was alone again. Curled into a ball, darkness consumed me again. Gods I wanted it to eat me up and spit out the bones, I wanted it to wrend me limb from limb. He was gone, why is he always gone?
Then kisses along the back of my neck, hands on my chest. “Jay, it’s okay. I still love you. I just don’t want to take advantage of you while you’re not feeling your best.”
Moans escaped my lips. Why was this turning me on when just a few days ago I couldn’t even get a hard-on when he surprised me in the shower? Tried to pretend that it was okay, that it was something else, that it wasn’t my fault. But it was my fault. Now that I’m able to make it up to him, why won’t he let me? “Paige, please, just fuck me.” Pain in my groin, blood gone, why wouldn’t he help me?
No! He’s just hugging me. I turned around, nuzzled my face into his chest. Tried to act helpless, that turns him on more than anything else. My mind had gone from blood to sex, and since I couldn’t make the blood come back, I had to have sex.
PAIGE
It had been so long since we had done anything, that his little routine of being totally helpless was working. I had to restrain myself from taking advantage of him in a way that he wouldn’t expect at all. We’d done it rough, yes, but he had always been forewarned, and was reasonably prepared. This would be like raping him.
His tongue trailed from my ear down my neck. “Jay, if you keep on doing that, you’re not going to like the consequences.”
Damn. The beaten child face beamed up at me. “I’d love it if you’d just fuck me instead of trying to protect me.” he whispered. Fingers under shirt, gradually climbed up to nipples. Jay, please don’t start this, I don’t know if I can stop, and it wouldn’t be fair to you if I carried it through to completion.
Then he had pulled my shirt off and was licking my chest all before I could even react. That was it. He deserved all he got. I slammed him to the bed, ignored his whimpers and pleas to go slower. His clothes were soon lying on the floor in a haphazard pile of cloth. Still his lips sought out mine, I had to stop that. Pushed him down into the mattress. His smile was somehow gratifying. “Is this what you wanted?” I growled as I bit into his neck...hard.
Tears rolled down his cheeks but he kept on pulling me closer. “Yes.” he moaned, trying to get his legs around my back. At least he wasn’t crying again, or trying to keep himself from slicing into his arms. Damn, I could never be intentionally evil to Jay, so I let him take momentary control. His kisses centered around the base of my neck, his arms clutched my back and tried to pull me so that I was lying completely over him.
I extricated myself from his grasp and held him down on the mattress. It was interesting to see the lengths he would push himself to try to reach me.
JAY Paige was there, I felt him holding me down, but I couldn’t see him in my haze of dizziness. “P..aige!” I whined, tears coming where none should have been. His hands played with my face, yet there was no love in them. Like hands could ever hold love. My mind was sucking me into the abyss. All that was left was sex and Paige...and Paige was so far away.
Clothes rustled, metal hit the floor, damn he was going to go through with it, and I was going to love it. Tried to get closer to him again, yet he wouldn’t let me. This wasn’t what I wanted, this couldn’t be what I had been asking for. All I could think of was him in me and the blood spilling down my forearms and how everything would reach an equilibrium.
He finally stopped just watching me struggle and laid down on top of me. Oh this is what I wanted... Unimaginable pleasure covered my body and I only wanted more of him. His hand drifted down to the place that I needed touched most...and left it alone. Fought against him, tried to make him stop being a bitch about it.
His face was dead-set. There was nothing I could do to change it. So I gave in. Lips turned into a smile, then attacked my neck. He was mauling the place he had bitten me, I needed to feel that pain again, needed it so bad. Tried to remember what had made him do it in the first place. Then I saw my arms again. They were so bloody, so beautiful. I smiled up at him. He pulled my legs apart.
He pushed in brutally, with little regard to how I felt, but then this was what I wanted. Twisted around in my haze of pain and pure lust. “Rip me in two...” I sighed. He went faster, harder, tearing me apart from the inside, raping me, yet I wanted it so much. My legs twined around his back, pulled him in more.... “Fuck me!” I screamed.
Then he was gone, and the blood went as well. “Paige!”
“I’m not doing this Jay, I’m not going to destroy you.” he snapped.
“I hate you! I hate you!” I yelled over and over until he covered my mouth with his hand. The tears ran down my cheeks and over his hand.
“Jay...” he began. I was crying again, crying so hard I knew that it would never stop.
“I hate myself.” In between the labored sobs it crept out. I wasn’t supposed to say that, now he’ll definitely send me back to her, definitely put me back on the drugs.
He put his head in his hands. “I don’t know if I can deal with two weeks of this!” he muttered to himself. There was nothing I could do to comfort him. I was in between blood and lust, and the two were starting to merge.