PAIGE“Paige, it’s noon. You should probably get up.” Ryan yelled through the door. He and Bobby had decided that by living with me for a while it would lessen the chance that I would try to kill myself. It had been three weeks, and I’d heard nothing from or about Jay. Every time I closed my eyes I imagined electrodes and him calling my name. The doctor gave me sleeping pills, but Ryan held the keys to the medicine cabinet.
“I’m up.” I yelled. Warmth surrounded me, but it was the artificial warmth of blankets and comforters, not the warmth of my body. I hadn’t been warm myself since Jay.... Tears again, I don’t need this.
The door opened and Ryan came in. “Paige, you’re not up at all.” he said.
Looked at him, he looked happy and jovial, like usual. I couldn’t muster up that much enthusiasm for life, and I didn’t know how he could. “That’s right.”
“You need to start living your life again. Bobby said that he called her yesterday and Jay can have visitors.” Grabbed his arms.
“You’re sure?!” I screamed.
He looked nervous. “Um....but she said you can’t go. It’ll get in the way of his recovery. Bobby and I are going this afternoon.” Sank back into the bed. I should have known. “Hey, we’ll tell him that you’re okay.”
“That’s great.” I tried to make my voice sound like my heart wasn’t shattering, but it didn’t work very well. The thought kept on running through my head that it was my fault. Turned so Ryan couldn’t see me cry. I’d been crying way too much, soon I would run out of tears and then I would cry blood.
“We’re going now. Do you want me to take anything for him?”
“No.” He sighed and sat down next to me.
“It’ll be okay Paige. I’m sure you’ll be able to visit him later.”
“Later he won’t be Jay, he’ll just be some construct of drugs and therapy. And I’ll die.” I whispered.
“Ryan, come on! It takes an hour to get there and we need to get there before visiting hours are over!” Rustle of sheets, Ryan gone.
Why did I suddenly feel the need to vomit?
JAY
Voices outside of my room. Sitting on the bed with my arms around my legs, head shoved against my knees. “He won’t talk to any of the other patients.”
“You gave him the tranquilizers and the...” Long list of drugs. Stared at my arms. They had scabbed over and were starting to shrink into long lines of new pink skin. The only thing alive were the places they had injected the liquid personality that was supposed to take over for my old one.
“Yes, and he still doesn’t communicate, except to the staff.”
“Well, someone’s coming to visit him today, maybe he’ll talk to them.”
“I doubt it. You know what he did all during art therapy today?”
“Drew more pictures of that death figure?”
“Yeah, he insisted on putting them on the wall of his room...I told the director we should make him take them down, but he seemed to think that Jay would eventually give up on it.”
Looked at what she was talking about. Paige stared down at me from every sheet of paper. Sometimes he was smiling, other times he was crying, I knew he was more likely doing the latter now... I wasn’t able to cry anymore, the drugs took away the tears. Shell of myself sitting here...why didn’t I draw that? Turned away. Small window high up beyond where even I could reach. It looked like it was sunny outside. Damn. That meant they would make me take a walk, try to prod me to talk to the other inmates, and wonder why I just sat down in the middle of the yard and gazed at the grass.
“Oh, hello! You must be here to see Jay! Come right this way.”
Footsteps down the hall, towards my room. Whispers in the hall. “These are his friends, no wonder he’s messed up! Look at how much makeup they’re wearing.”
The door opened and there were Ryan and Bobby.
“You have half an hour, then he has to go outside with the other patients.” She smiled and patted my head. “You love that, don’t you Jay?” Then she was gone.
Ryan and Bobby stood uncomfortably against the wall and stared at me. I didn’t say anything. Their eyes showed me the ghoul that I had become.
Earlier that week, one on one therapy....she tried to get me to talk about Paige, heard the whir of tape recorders and shut up.
“Come on Jay, why did you turn homosexual?” she asked.
“I didn’t turn homosexual....I don’t even know what I am anymore.” I whispered. “Some freak of nature...a drug fiend.” Covered my face, I knew they had video cameras too.
“It’s okay sweetie, you don’t have to hide. We’re all friends here.” Opened my eyes and saw her face. The back light turned her into a hag, her face was drawn and tight, her teeth jutted out at angles I couldn’t comprehend. Her eyes were the worst part, they were open and menacing, the whites disappeared into her pupils. “You were on drugs? Which ones? Speed, cocaine, heroin, marijuana?”
Bit down on my lips. I wasn’t going to talk anymore.
“Is that why you’re having such a hard time getting off of Paxil? Because you’re getting off these other drugs too?” Saw the bruise where Paige had punched her. Smiled as I imagined adding to it, but I knew that would just result in more drugs, and maybe even a strait jacket. “Jay, honey, please talk to me. I know your boyfriend was alcoholic and abusive. Don’t worry, he won’t be able to get you here.” Tear rolled down my cheek. I was still able to cry?
“Paige wasn’t abusive.” I muttered.
“I know you’re just denying it. Well, we have all the time in the world here.” Her smile could have destroyed planets.
PAIGE
I stayed under the covers even after I heard the front door slam and their voices downstairs. Burrowed underneath the mountain of fabric. I didn’t hear any frantic wails, but that would have come from me...not them. It wasn’t like they were as emotionally attached to Jay as I was, as I am.
Then a timid knock on the door and Ryan slowly opening it. “We’re back.” he said softly. Bobby trailed in behind him. They looked at everything in the room except me.
“She said you could visit next week.” Bobby offered after an uncomfortable pause.
“That’s great. But what about Jay?” They exchanged a glance.
“Well...Jay...” Ryan started examining his feet. “He’s not really...there...”
“He hardly talked to us at all. The nurse said that he really hasn’t talked to anyone since he’s gotten there.” Bobby said.
“Nothing about me?” I asked.
“Well...you’re really going to have to see for yourself...”
“Look, if you weren’t going to talk to me about this honestly, then why did you even tell me you were going there?” I snapped.
Ryan looked up with tears glistening in his eyes. “Paige, you’re not exactly the healthiest person either. He did ask about you, but what could I say? You stay in bed the whole day and you look like shit...” He swallowed and looked at Bobby. “We’ve been trying not to say anything, since it might make you flip out, but how much longer are you going to exist like this?”
How much longer? Half of me was missing, and he was asking how I could exist like this? Suddenly I knew the temptation that Jay lived with every day, everything could end this, everything was an escape route. The blankets, the pills, the...
Bobby shook me. “Come on Paige, just get out of bed for a few hours. We’ll try to think of something to do that will take your mind off of it. He’s going to be there for a long time.” My heart died and was replaced with plywood.
“Fine.”
JAY
“Why don’t you talk to Rae? She’s been here for six years. She can tell you more about how we get along here. Maybe you’ll make a new friend!” the nurse suggested, prodding me towards the girl who sat with a perpetual smile by the pond. The pond was overgrown with algae, and was definitely not deep enough to drown in. Since I had arrived a few people had tried and suffered the consequences.
Instead of sighing and doing it, like I normally would have, I just sat and stared at the grass. She called to Rae. Rae came over, smiling, and plopped down next to me. “Your hair’s funny.” she said, running her hands over the remains of my existence. Pulled away from her zombie hands. “Why don’t you ever talk in group? I talk all the time. My mommy hated me, my daddy said I was worthless, so I took the great big bottle of pills in the bathroom and...” Her story changed every time she told it. Mine stayed the same. I wondered who was smarter.
“You’re famous, right? The nurses say that you’re with a band or something.” she prompted. “Which one? Who else is in it? Could you sign something for me?” Closed my eyes. I tried to act like I lived in a box and nothing anyone said would affect me. She pulled on my arm. “Nurse said you’ve got a mean boyfriend who beats you, and that he did this to you.” She touched my arms. I had no strength to sit up anymore, so I fell to the ground and cried. “Why are you crying? Was he that awful to you? My boyfriend ripped my arms off, see?” Heard her waving her arms around.
“RAE! What did you say to him?! You know he’s not feeling very well!” Nurse came running over. “Go and play with Stewart!” she yelled. Felt someone touching my shoulder, no one should touch me, made me cry harder. “Come here, we’ll give you something to make it feel better.” Screeched and tried to push away. That could only mean drugs and drugs were what made me insane. Another nurse or orderly or someone got me from behind and they dragged me back to the main building. Then everything sank into a shadow of itself.
A few days later, or was it weeks? It was so hard to tell, they wouldn’t let me see clocks, watches, or calendars because then it would reveal that I had been here for years. Art therapy. The nurse sat across from me and handed me the box of crayons and a sheet of paper. “Why don’t you draw a pretty sunset?” Because I didn’t want to fucking draw a fucking sunset, some small part of my mind screamed. Because I wasn’t five years old.
Instantly picked the black out of the box. She shook her head and took it away. “Try this one.” Yellow. Eyed it suspiciously. Handed it back to her. “You don’t like yellow? But how are you going to draw a sunset?” Grabbed the box, got red out. Red...not as dark as blood, but it would do. Put the tip to the paper, tried to remember what Paige looked like. I couldn’t draw him well, but it was all I had left of him. As soon as I started drawing his hair, she shook her head and handed me a different piece of paper. “That mean man can’t hurt you here, so you don’t have to draw him. Why don’t you draw something else?”
“Like what?” Shit. I tried to limit my speaking, didn’t want them to get spoiled and think it would be an everyday occurrence.
“Like a pretty girl or something.” Sighed and picked up the crayon again. Drew a pool of blood, my arms, my legs, my face, it didn’t look right, but it was me. She smiled and picked it up. “You’re swimming, right? Should I put this up on your wall?” she asked. I nodded. What she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her.
Heard voices outside my room, looked up to see who it was. I heard Ryan’s voice, Bobby’s, and...Paige’s? I ran to the door and tried to open it, but it was locked. Settled for trying to knock it down. I needed to see him, needed to touch him, he had been gone so long. Then a key clicked in the lock and the door swung open. I stared at him in horror. Makeup had been applied in vain to disguise the fact that he hadn’t slept well, probably by Ryan. His hair was still sticking up in random spikes, but the black had washed out. His eyes were the worst though. They stripped me and gave me no clue as to what he was feeling in the cobalt depths. I fell to the ground and grabbed his knees. I didn’t care if he hated me now, he was here.