Fake It
JAY
There came a point when I realized it was all over, there was no going back to the way things were before. Unless I was murdered, committed suicide, or got arrested I would never grace the covers of magazines and see my name in lights again. Maybe if I was lucky one of our songs would play in the background of a commercial or I�d get to talk on a TV show reminiscing about when I was famous. But once you�re out of the limelight, you�ll never get back.It felt so empty.
One minute we were near the top, MTV still played our videos (or at least pretended to), then the next we could barely get anyone to notice that our new album was out. By that time there was already some newer, shinier, better band out there. Then another, and another, until we were so far removed from what was popular and relevant that it didn�t seem like there was much point. I tried not to let it bother me. I had other things to occupy my time and other bands to try to promote. Most of the time I didn�t mind not being semi-famous anymore. It certainly made it easier to walk down the street. Still, there was the latent desire to have everyone look at me again, want me again. This felt like such a fall from grace.
After dealing with the web-site developers and various contacts with other record labels I really didn�t want to think about much of anything anymore. It was easier when more people knew and remembered my name, now it was all I could do to remember that once upon a time Orgy had almost been a household name.
I needed to talk to someone who understood.
It only took a few calls to discover that everyone else was apparently much busier than I was. They had new bands, shows, hell it seemed like they had a lot more going on than I did. And I was trying. Finally I called Bobby. He actually answered the phone and didn�t have an excuse, real or otherwise. I had been starting to think that I was the only one who was unable to find something else to do after Orgy had fallen. The thought that someone else was in the same situation was oddly comforting.
Bobby was already at the bar when I got there. It was a hole in the wall that had been popular a couple of years ago but hadn�t made any changes recently to keep their clientele. At one point they�d made a failed attempt at having dancing and karaoke. The dance floor was empty and the karaoke machine lay abandoned in the corner gathering dust. There were strobe and black lights all along the ceiling that turned on randomly and turned off just as quickly. A couple of disinterested patrons were sitting at the bar and at the abandoned tables. Most of them appeared to be searching for a different bar to go to. A few empty glasses sat in front of Bobby on the grimy counter. The bartender was just delivering another round as I walked up.
He tipped his glass to me as I sat down. �I guess I was early.� I nodded to the bartender and gestured for him to get me one of the same.
�It�s been a while since I�ve seen you.� He looked different from when I�d seen him last. Almost as if he didn�t care anymore. It looked like he�d just rolled out of bed. His hair was rather inelegantly gelled into reluctant spikes, and he was wearing a paint-spattered shirt and jeans. I tried meeting his eyes but he kept on looking steadfastly forward, as if ashamed.
�Understandable. I�ll bet everyone else was busy.�
I thought about pretending like that wasn�t, in fact, what had happened, but knew he�d see right through it. �Well, you�ve got other responsibilities, right? Most of the time when I did call it seemed like you were watching your kids.�
He snorted and inhaled deeply on his cigarette. �That�s true. Shane�s always going out and leaving me to watch them. It�s not like I have anything to do.� The mirror behind the bar reflected his stern glare. �I think she�s out with Mike tonight.� I figured it probably was best not to ask what that meant.
�I thought you were doing something with videos.�
�I am...but I haven�t really had any takers. It�s just a hobby.� The bartender dropped off my drink. I took a swig. Talking to Bobby was helping a bit. At least he was worse off than I was. �How�s your thing going?�
�Well enough. It�s hard getting anyone to talk to me though.� I finished off my drink and gestured for the bartender to bring me another.
�Funny, isn�t it...how far we�ve fallen.� I would have dismissed his melancholy as being more because of the alcohol had I not been familiar with the feeling.
�I bet the only way we�d get anyone interested again is if I made a sex tape or something.�
He took a deep drag on his cigarette. �You�d get more with a gay sex tape.�
I glared at him. �Yeah, no thanks. Only been dealing with questions about that since we started.�
He shrugged. �I�d do it. It�d get squealing fangirls, and you can never have enough of those.�
�The kind we�d attract I�d rather not have in the first place.�
He slapped me on the back. �Jesus, I was just kidding!�
We talked for a few hours and then went our separate ways. I felt a little better knowing that I wasn�t the only one having a hard time settling back into a more sedate lifestyle.
A week or so later I came to my breaking point with all of it. Nothing was going right, and I felt like I was going to explode if I didn�t do something. Things that were supposed to be done by now were still lost in a fog of half-assed apologies and unfulfilled promises. Everyone had an excuse, legitimate or otherwise, and at the end of the day it was hard to be properly sympathetic to anyone. That wouldn�t have been so bad had it not felt like they didn�t know why I was so pissed, what right did I have to demand any kind of preferential treatment. Just knowing that at one point not all that long ago it was different made me hate what my life had become.
I sat on the floor in my bedroom nursing a half-empty bottle of vodka and chain-smoking. Every so often I glanced at my laptop hoping to see an e-mail or something to keep me connected to the world, but nothing ever came. The walls felt like they were closing in, it was hard to breathe. There wasn�t really an outlet anymore, sure I could write songs and record, but who was going to listen?
Eventually I found myself picking up the phone and calling Bobby. He picked up after the third ring, just before it was about to go to voicemail.
After exchanging the normal greetings and token inquiries about what he was up to, I thought I could get to the real reason for calling him. �You remember what we were talking about last time...the sex tape?� There was a long pause. I wondered if he was just going to hang up. �Well, um, I guess I�ll talk to you later then.� I said. Oh fuck, this was such a bad idea.
�Sorry, I had to go to a different room.� He whispered, then I heard a door latch. �What about it?�
"I think we should do it.�
There was silence for a beat, and then, �You�re serious?!�
�Yeah.� I wasn�t really sure how to convince him, hell it was hard keeping myself convinced. �We�d get our names out there again.�
�You think getting them out there like that would be a good idea?�
I took another swig of vodka. �Fuck Bobby, it�s all I can think of right now.� My head thunked against the bedroom wall. �I just don�t feel like I�m making any progress with any of this. It�d be nice to get my name out there again.�
�And you�d want it to be for a sex tape?�
�Why not? I guess I could have an overdose or something, but this isn�t something as permanent. If we didn�t want to release it, we wouldn�t have to.�
He laughed. �Fuck, I can�t believe you�re even talking about this. Last week you were bitching about people thinking you�re gay, and now you want to make a sex tape with me. Hold on a second.� I heard him put his hand over the phone and a muttered conversation. �Sorry, Shane was just telling me she�s leaving with her friend.� His whole tone had changed, instead of the more carefree sound he had earlier it was as if a robot was talking.
�Mike?�
�Maybe. I don�t know where she goes half the time.� He sighed. �I guess you don�t really care though.�
�You could get back at her.�
�Yeah...that does have a certain appeal.� I watched the smoke rising from my cigarette and thought about how far I�d fallen. �Hell, if this is what you really want, I�m game. Just let me know the details.�
The hotel room wasn�t as awful as it could have been. Everything appeared to be somewhat clean and the window looked out into a well-lit parking lot. For some reason I had envisioned a scummy room that looked out onto a brick wall with cockroaches crawling on the ceiling.
Bobby was setting up the camera in a corner of the room. That made it all the more real. I couldn�t believe that he had agreed to and was willing to do this. My mind was still wrapping around the fact that I had decided to do this. Just the thought of going through with this made my stomach boil.
�We don�t have to do anything you know.� Bobby said, peering at me through the camera�s viewfinder. His fingers tapped out a nervous staccato on his leg. It seemed he wasn�t as enthusiastic as he had been when we were planning this. I decided it was better not to answer him.
I shrugged off my jacket and threw it onto one of the chairs by the window. The air conditioner clunked and thunked its death throes underneath the window. Goosebumps rose all over my arms. I placed the bag from the drug store on the floor, remembering the knowing look from the cashier as I had purchased condoms, lube, and vodka. I suppose I really shouldn�t have been embarrassed, given what we were going to do, but it seemed I was still mired with doubt.
Bobby was still messing around with the camera and lights, as if that really mattered for an alleged sex tape. I suppose it was the professional in him.
I rummaged in the bag and pulled out the cheap plastic bottle of vodka. The hotel had kindly provided plastic cups covered with cellophane. I ripped it off and poured myself a generous helping. He was still fussing with the lights.
�You do realize this is supposed to look bad, right?� I asked him.
He blushed. �Sorry, you�re right. It just doesn�t feel right to do a half-assed job.� I poured him a glass and held it out.
�Drink this. It�ll make you care a lot less.� It was already working on me. An idea that a day ago had been a joke, an hour ago an unpleasant chore, now was slowly turning into one of the best ideas I�d ever had.
I don�t know how long we sat there by the window ignoring the thunking air conditioner and drinking ourselves into oblivion. The camera kept its unblinking eye firmly focused on the bed, daring us to approach.
Then, inevitably, the vodka ran out. Bobby eyed the empty bottle glassily. �Should I go get another?�
I set my glass down and let the room swim a while before rubbing my eyes. �No...I think it�s okay.�
He was nervously picking at a loose thread on his jeans. �We really don�t have to do this if you don�t want to.� Neither of us wanted to be the one to call it off or take it to its inevitable conclusion.
Maybe that would have been better than dooming us to several weeks or months of hell. It would have been so easy to just walk away and laugh about all this later, after time had reduced the pathetic to merely comical.
I looked at him then, at his eyes, for the first time since I had arrived, and saw his expression mirrored mine-nervousness and fear. And yet underneath all of that was a slim thread of desire. Desire to be the one who took advantage of the other, to be the one with power instead of the one trailing behind.
He swirled the last dregs of vodka in his glass. His spiked hair was drooping a bit in the humidity and his lip gloss had flaked off onto the rim of his glass. Black painted fingernails contrasted with the clear plastic.
My alcohol addled mind could only watch his lips part and liquid spill over them. I watched my hand slide over the table and touch his. He looked at me slowly, his hand sliding over mine.
Bobby stood, his hand still grasping mine, and pulled me closer. I was so much taller than him, yet he was the intimidating one. I stepped closer, he smelled of cologne and earth, wild and untamed. I kissed him chastely on the cheek.
That must have broken down the resistance on his part because he locked lips with me, gently pushing and guiding me towards the bed. I fell backwards onto the mattress. Until this point I hadn�t touched him at all, except our lips.
It was then that I remembered the camera. It stood there, watching, red light blinking a steady rhythm. My hands, which had been slowly moving towards his sides, froze.
He stopped kissing me for a moment and looked down at me. �Are you okay?�
�I...I forgot about the camera.�
He smiled indulgently. �If we�re going to make a sex tape, don�t we kind of need it?� He slid one hand between us, trailing gently down to my cock. At his touch I jumped. Our crotches bumped together. He was already half-hard. The thought that this was turning him on brought my cock to life. I shuddered as they made contact, even though four layers of clothing. He moaned, his eyes sliding closed.
Unbidden, my hands slid under his shirt. His skin was soft, smooth, and warm to the touch. As I moved my hands over his back thousands of goosebumps emerged in their wake. Bobby arched his back into my fingers.
His hand was at the waistband of my jeans. I could feel a few of his fingers gliding beneath my shirt. At their touch I hissed. They were cold against my skin. The sensation spread all through my body like an electric shock. I pulled him down on top of me, kissing him as hard as I could, our tongues sliding all over each other.
Our cocks were growing harder as they rubbed against each other. I moved my legs apart so he could settle down between them. He started tugging down the zipper on my jeans, freeing my cock somewhat. I pulled on his shirt trying desperately to get more contact. Finally he stopped messing with my pants and took his shirt off. I sat up more and took off my own.
He descended again, kissing a trail down my chest. At my right nipple he stopped and licked a broad swath across my chest. I moaned. �Fuck, that feels good.� Bobby laughed quietly, nuzzling at my neck.
�I�m glad I�m doing something right.� His hand was tracing the edge of my boxers. Originally I had thought that there was no way I could even fake wanting this, but now it was harder and harder to deny that it was turning me on beyond belief. Each touch made me want more, more of his lips, his hands, his skin.
We kissed again. Our hands roamed over each other�s bodies. I wanted him, I needed for both of us to be naked. I moved my hands to the front of his pants and struggled with the zipper. After a few abortive efforts at getting his and my pants off he helped me with mine and then removed his own.
Soon we were naked and that didn�t bother me like I thought it would. He was biting at my neck so hard I was sure it would leave a mark I would have to explain later. Even though it seemed like the air conditioning was set below zero, it felt like I was boiling and about to explode.
I pulled him down again, sucking on his lips. And then the camera came back into my field of vision again. All the doubts came rushing back.
�We don�t have to keep doing this if you don�t...� He bit down hard on one of my nipples. �Ah!� I shuddered in pleasure and it almost made me forget the camera again. Almost, that is, until he laid down more on top of me and our cocks touched. I almost came right then. He was trembling.
Our eyes met. �I don�t think I could stop even if I wanted to.� he whispered, panting. I ran my hands down his sides and then touched his cock gently. He moaned into my shoulder, letting even more of himself fall onto me. I continued stroking slowly, coaxing his growing erection further. He pulled away and walked over to the other side of the room. I could hear him digging into the plastic bag.
�Hurry up.� I whined.
�Get on your hands and knees.� His voice was dark with lust. It took a few moments before I could work up the nerve, but I eventually turned over. Now I couldn�t see what he was doing. Turning my head only revealed him squirting a generous amount of lube into his hand. And then I felt a finger at my entrance. It was soon followed by another. The sensation was just weird and somewhat uncomfortable until �Ah!� his fingertip grazed something that felt like it contained pure pleasure. Each touch spread through my entire body. I pushed myself back against him hoping to feel it again. He slowly added another finger. The pain began to be replaced by twinges of pleasure. My hands grabbed hold of the comforter and I struggled to stay upright.
�Fuck.� I whispered. He just kept on hitting that spot. It felt like I was going to explode at any moment.
After a minute or so he pulled away, leaving me empty and wanting. The thud of the air conditioner and the sound of my harsh panting was soon joined by the crackle of him opening the condom packet.
My mind started getting away from me again. I couldn�t believe I was here doing this and while I wanted more than anything to turn around and see what he was doing, I couldn�t.
Bobby�s hand was on my back then. I bit my lip and my hands inadvertently clenched. There was some fumbling and then �FUCK!� he was in me. And it hurt. I tasted blood. There wasn�t enough room, it felt like I was being torn apart. He stayed still for a moment letting me adjust. Then he pulled out a little and I was able to somewhat relax.
He readjusted his grip on my hips and pushed in again, slowly. It felt less uncomfortable and then his cock hit that place again. I almost came, pushing back against him. Fuck, it felt good. His hand slipped over my cock and stroked gently. Breathing harshly I slammed back against him, needing more contact.
�Jay...� he gasped.
For a while we existed like that. Slow steady strokes that went up through my spine and then spread to the rest of my body. It was so hot, it felt like my bones were melting. Each breath could have been my last, it rasped in my lungs.
Then Bobby increased the pace, pounding into me with abandon, touching my cock. I arched my back, that caused him to hit a different spot, and I came, gasping for air. He climaxed soon after, sliding out of me.
I slumped down onto the bed, my strength gone. He moved away. I heard something drop in the trash can, but I was too tired to find out what it was.
Then I remembered the camera, the silent witness to our antics. It was still focused on the bed, still focused on me, steadily whirring away to oblivion. I had to get out of here. My mind was going in a thousand different directions, none of them good, all of them centered on what a shitty idea this had been. But I couldn�t leave yet. He would never forgive me.
Instead I got off the bed and made my way to the bathroom. There was barely enough room for a toilet, let alone the shower stall. It was all a sickly shade of yellow and the glaring fluorescent lights made it even worse.
The door wouldn�t lock. I sighed and grabbed a few of the complimentary soaps off the counter by the sick. They were minuscule and probably wouldn�t later worth a damn. Still, they were better than nothing.
I fumbled for the faucet and turned it all the way as hot as it could go. There was an overwhelming desire to just sear the preceding hour or so away.
Water became a shield, protecting me from thinking about what had happened. It had felt so good, so freeing, and yet my brain still needed time to catch up. The tile felt so cold under my forehead. It felt so good I didn�t hear the door open.
Then there was a hand on my arm and Bobby was in the shower with me, kissing my neck oh fuck I still didn�t know if I wanted this but it felt so good.
His lips brushed against my ear. �That was a lot more fun than I thought it would be.�
I stayed facing the wall. I didn�t know if I could look at him. Still I let him continue touching me, kissing me. The water beat down incessantly, carrying away all evidence of what we had done.
Bobby�s arm encircled my waist, it burned hotter than the water. He continued kissing my neck and shoulders. I wanted to push him away, but I wanted him to stay. My hand moved over his. My cock was slowly coming back to life and I could vaguely feel his behind me.
The water was gradually turning colder. I pretended that was the reason I turned and kissed him. His lips were soft and warm. I pulled him into the corner of the stall so he blocked most of the spray.
Bobby smiled half-heartedly. �I was getting worried. I thought you wouldn�t want to have anything to do with me after...�
Our lips collided together, tongues in each other�s mouth. It was a little awkward given the height difference but we both compensated. I touched his cock gently, then grabbed it somewhat firmly. It twitched in my hand and he threw his head back, moaning. I kissed his neck, his pulse fluttering beneath my tongue.
He grabbed onto me tightly as I stroked harder and faster, the water making it easier. I could feel his fingernails on my back digging into my flesh.
I quickened my pace, leaning back against the tile. Bobby was breathing harshly against my neck, his breath was cold against my skin. Each touch brought him closer to release. I gasped as he clutched me tighter, surely it would leave marks. All of this was getting me aroused as well, but not as quickly as him.
That all changed when he touched me. He grabbed my cock. It instantly hardened. Oh fuck, it felt so good. We both were rapidly approaching orgasm. Our strokes synchronized and everything felt like it was reduced to touch, I couldn�t hear or see anything except his hand on my cock and my hand on his.
It seemed like forever before we came, but I�m sure it was only minutes. My body was boneless and I sank to the floor. Bobby soon followed. We stared at each other for a few moments, unsure of what if anything to say.
�You should probably leave now. I have to clean everything up.� he said finally.
�Do you need any help?�
He shook his head sadly. �If we leave together someone might notice and then we�d have no control over it.�
Shit. I hadn�t thought of that.�Okay...you�re right. See you later.� I wasn�t sure what else to say.
Somehow I found all of my clothes and made myself look somewhat presentable before I left. I must have been giving off an aura that said what had happened, because everyone was giving me knowing looks and laughing. I tried to pretend it didn�t bother me.
It took a few days for the pain to subside and the marks to fade. After that it was easier to forget that we had done anything. I didn�t see or hear anything from Bobby and I didn�t actively seek him out. It was just a stupid idea, a mistake, and I didn�t want to think about it anymore than I had to.
Until a package arrived in the mail. When I opened it, it was an unlabeled DVD and a note. In Bobby�s almost unreadable hand-writing it read: �Here�s the DVD. It�s pretty hot. You can do what you want with it. I already told Shane, but there�s not a whole lot she can say about it, is there? Whatever you do, it�s okay.
-Bobby�I put the disk in my laptop and brought it up to play. Bobby had done a great job with the lighting and everything. It definitely looked like it was a home video, but it wasn�t the horrible grainy quality that so many other celebrity sex tapes had. At least you could see what was going on. Thankfully he had cut out most of the pointless talking. It started right when he pushed me back on the bed. It was disconcerting to see myself looking so normal on tape, usually I would have been somewhat dressed up.
Then it got to the real meat of the video, we were kissing and while it was awkward it didn�t look like we were just doing it on a whim. There was lust there, it almost looked like we had done it before.
I should have shut it down right then and destroyed it. But I wanted to see more.
The video continued, our clothing came off, it was weird seeing my facial expressions as we kissed and touched. It didn�t seem to me that I looked like I didn�t like it. When it finally ended I still couldn�t decide what to do. It had been such a stupid idea.
I left it sitting buried underneath some papers on my desk. I didn�t say anything about it to anyone.