7. "Regret"The next morning I woke up with the taste of him still in my mouth. It wasn't exactly a pleasant sensation, but it wasn't unpleasant either. Full realization of what I had done didn't come until after I had stared at the ceiling for a while. I had sucked off Jay. And I hadn't been drunk or coerced into it, I had wanted to.
There was only one thing that I felt that I was able to do. Crept to the bathroom and peeked in at Jay. He was still asleep, drooling into the pillow, my pillow if I remembered correctly. Somehow it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Wasn't like I hadn't had much worse on it before...bit my lips and closed my eyes. I had to accept that Gavin and Shane were lost to me. Perhaps forever. Slowly closed and locked the door to the bedroom. Stripped silently and then got into the shower. Scissors after this, definitely. My arm started to throb under the gradually warming spray. I had lost count, and didn't want to start again.
I leaned back against the somewhat cool tiles and sighed. This was not what I wanted. Jay was my friend, the one person I could turn to. I didn't want to ruin it with sex and romantic involvement. That was what had done me in before. Shane... The water got warmer, but it wasn't because of the water heater. Tears dribbled down my chin and body, mingling with the spray. Closed my eyes and stepped forward, right under the faucet. I just wanted to be washed away.
Jay sat across the table from me at breakfast, nibbling on a piece of toast and sighing heavily. His eyes never met mine. I read the instructions the doctor had given me about how to take care of Jay and his various wounds. It seemed that he couldn't get the bandages or his stitches wet. Sponge baths were the word of the day. Didn't dwell on that, since I didn't want to know how that would go."Bobby?" he asked finally.
"Yeah?"
"Um...about last night..."
I grimaced and sucked in a deep breath. "You don't want to talk about it and just pretend that it never happened, right?"
He stared at me for a moment and opened his mouth, then thought better of it. "No...I just wanted to let you know that if you wanted me to go back with everyone else, that's okay." A small sniffle covered up swiftly by eating more toast.
I touched his hand gently, noticing how it shook at my touch. "Jay, it's okay. I'm not going to kick you out because of last night." Bit my lip before continuing. "I just, I just don't see it turning into anything just yet. It's too soon after Shane left." He nodded as if that was what he was expecting. Flipped to page five of the instructions. Read intently for a few minutes, not really paying attention to what he was doing.
"Am I allowed to take a shower?" he asked after a long silence.
"You can wash your hair...I'm still trying to figure out about the rest." I said, flipping hurriedly through the packet. It felt like I was a med student or something. Jay stared at me impassively.
"Won't I get stuff in the stitches?" he asked.
"It says these are allowed to get wet..."
"Why don't you just wash my hair then?" a little begging look. I sighed.
I was amazed at how much trust he put in me. Even if it had been Shane trying to help me with something like this, I still think I would have flinched a hell of a lot more than he did. He just leaned his head backwards over the bathtub and bit on his lip nervously. "Are you sure you want to do this now? We can always wait until after they get taken out.""Please, I don't want everyone to see me like this." he said, gesturing vaguely at his hair, which really didn't look that bad for not having been washed in a while.
"How do you want them to see you? They don't expect you to look like you used to. You've been in the hospital. I think most people would be able to understand that." I knew that under it all was some desire to still appear normal. For Paige, I assumed.
Started the water running and knelt next to him. He wouldn't meet my eyes and flinched anxiously at the sound of the water, his hands clenched in the small rug in front of the tub. I caught some of the water on my finger and then touched his hand with it. "Is that too hot?"
"No." he whispered. "Just do it." He squinted his eyes shut and dug in for the long haul. I sighed and got the shower head down. Tried to think of it as giving a 6'4" Gavin a bath. Somehow the allusion didn't work. Did it anyway. And, remarkably, no tears or crying fits. I was able to avoid hitting his stitches and he was able to avoid grimacing so much he ripped them out.
Passed him a towel and left the room while he dried off. Conflicting emotions flew through me, on the one hand I wanted to comfort him and dissuade him from even thinking about me, on the other I wanted to tell him that Paige was an asshole anyway and fuck him senseless. Neither option appealed. Every thought led to Shane and Gavin and the fact that I might be able to reconcile with them. I knew I probably couldn't, and deep down inside I knew I never would.
He came out a little while later, his hair still damp and black. I knew once it dried the fading dye job would be revealed and it would slink back to it's dark brown, but for now I savored it. "You have to change the dressing on my side too." he said, more a command than a request. Then his hands went to his shirt and started to pull it up. I watched wordlessly as his delicate fingers peeled up the dark grey fabric and revealed his chest, the bandage on the left, the dark purple, almost black bruise on the right. Nipples lost under a blanket of gauze and a trace of pigment. He smirked as he caught me watching.I went and got the supplies, again, I had never done this kind of thing before and I was amazed that he trusted me to do it correctly.
He knelt on the floor facing away from me, almost shy when I touched his back and tried to slide my finger underneath the adhesive. "Are you the kind of person who just rips it off, or do you just peel it slowly?" I asked.
He looked back, his eyes wide and frightened. "Just peel it, please."
My fingers touched his tortured flesh, breaking the seal between his skin and the glue. Went as quickly as I dared, pausing when he drew in his breath. Finally reached the bottom and flipped it open. Instantly felt like vomiting. "Gods Jay..." I whispered. A huge scab, a sad mark on his afflicted flesh. I went and tore off the other side, leaving it bare to the air. His breathing was labored, probably in an effort to keep the scab from breaking. I slathered the gauze with anti-biotic ointment and then placed it over his wound gently, trying to pretend that I didn't hear his whimper. "Almost done." I said, ripping off some tape.
"I can handle this." he said to himself. I tried to put the tape over where it had been previously, trying to avoid the harsh pink marks of irritation. Inevitably I couldn't, and I knew that he would be left with itching spots that he couldn't quite reach. Finished as quickly as I could.
"There." I said. He sat up slowly, rubbing at his forehead.
"Thanks Bobby." A small smile. "Maybe I'll learn how to do this stuff myself in a few days." Then he would want to go back home and forget that this had ever happened, probably drink himself into a coma and get liver cancer and die. Visions of my going to his funeral passed in front of my eyes. Shook my head to dispel the visions. I was not usually this morbid. He wouldn't die like that. Because I would die first.
He sat on the couch later and watched some mindlessly inane television shows, occasionally looking apprehensively at the door. Everyone else had said they would stop by, I wondered if they would remember. The doorbell rang and it seemed that they had.Opened it and found Ryan and Amir. "Paige wasn't feeling very well. Late night last night, you know..." Ryan whispered loudly. Jay heard and tried to pretend that he hadn't. "But we come bearing gifts!" Amir tromped in with a case of beer and a small wrapped package which he tossed to Jay.
"Homecoming gift." he said with a grin. Jay ripped it open carefully, revealing a bottle of vodka. He put it on the floor shakily, as if trying to resist temptation.
Ryan and Amir sat in the other couch, this one one that someone had left out by the curb a few weeks ago. There was really nothing wrong with it except a few stains that were easily removed. Jay had said nothing about my newfound propensity for finding things in other people's garbage. Perhaps because he didn't know.
We sat in the silence of people who want to have a conversation and keep close with their friends, but are having a hell of a time doing it. Ryan broke the silence by opening the beer. Amir giggled madly and accepted some. I declined, in case Ryan and Amir got shit-faced. Jay unscrewed the top of his present and started to drink indiscriminately. I was sure that on one of the pages there was something about not drinking while on the cocktail of painkillers he was on. If I said anything, though, Ryan and Amir would totally negate it.
I lapsed into a stupor of boredom where everything just sort of passed me by. It was odd, because I never really was like that at any other time. Everything went white. Then colors started to come back, then noises, then the realization that people were screaming.
"FUCKER! I hope you fucking choke on your own vomit!" Jay screamed, snarling at Ryan, who was just about as drunk. Amir was on the floor giggling hysterically and muttering obscene suggestions to Ryan, who looked like he might follow them if given the chance.
"You're just mad because you didn't tell him first, dumbass!"
"Maybe I was going to tell him, but then you told him first! Maybe if you were a little more fucking observant!"
"Nobody ever said you couldn't get in on the action!"
"I don't want to fucking SHARE him! Anyway, you two make me want to puke!" Jay screamed at the top of his lungs. Red had filled his entire face and all lucidity was gone. Gods, why did I always get stuck with them like this?
"What the hell were you doing calling Paige last night anyway? I wish you'd just tell him, this constant pussy-footing around is getting old...are you afraid he might tell you that he always hated you?" Jay sprang forward. Ryan looked like he might do the same. I jumped up in the middle of them.
"Okay, Ryan and Amir...out." I took Ryan's car keys. "You can take the bus home, okay?" Jay stood behind me, I almost imagined I could see steam coming out of his nose. He growled at them until they left. Then he was left with me. And I could be ten fucking times worse.
"You didn't tell Paige?" I yelled. "What the fuck did you say to him then?!"
He stared at me impassively for a few minutes, still high on adrenaline and alcohol. Then it all came crashing down. Frown slowly settled into an even glare, then a quick glance to the side. "I...I chickened out. I just told him that I got here okay." he cried, grabbing onto me and sobbing into my chest. Oh shit.
I guided him into the bedroom and settled him in the bed. He whined when I tried to leave, so I let him fall asleep clutching me desperately for some support. The water damage was slowly expanding and taking over the entire ceiling. I idly decided to talk to the super about it in the morning, after getting Paige to come over here and forcing Jay to tell him.