6. "Pity"Paige helped me pack up Jay's clothing to transfer to my apartment. The picture must have still been under the bed, because I didn't see any evidence of it. We worked in silence, folding Jay's clothes and putting them in a suitcase. He didn't have very many. Or at least, he didn't keep very many here.
"Bobby, do you know what's bothering Jay?" he asked finally.
I stared at him in shock. "I...did Jay say anything to you?"
"I go and visit him as much as I can, but he just sits there and smiles at me. He won't tell me anything. I don't know how many times I've asked him." He paused and looked at me. "He's not worried about how we'll react to you two getting together, is he?"
Almost broke down. Paige... "I think it'd be better if Jay told you." I said, trying to keep my voice steady. He raised an eyebrow. "It's not something that I can just tell you, he'd kill me."
Could Paige tell from that? Would Paige see through it, or would he just ignore the signs?
"Alright. I'll confront him about it later." he said softly. My fingers bit into the palms of my hands. Why were they so blind? Had we all grown so apart? I was wearing short sleeves, and yet nobody had said anything about the line, well, Amir had looked and then stared at me for a while, but nothing came of it. Three new additions, it was slowly creeping towards the inside of my elbow.
What if one of us really needed them for something? I mean, we already had and they had come up pitifully short...but what if without their intervention one of us would die? Would they help?
Jay faced away from me as he took off the hospital gown and put on a T-shirt. Peeked at him surreptitiously, almost his entire right side was taken up by a huge bruise. The doctor said there had been some internal bleeding. I had seen the clothing Jay had been wearing when he was hit. They were in tatters, stained with blood and gravel. The police hadn't been able to find the driver, it didn't seem like they were going to question why Jay was just standing in the middle of the street. And the cuts on his arm, what were ten little triangles compared with huge gashes?He stood and pulled on his pants, I closed my eyes. Didn't need temptation. He didn't love me, and even if he did, I didn't want to go through another messy break-up only a few months after Shane had gone. Had it only been that long? It seemed like forever. Grip on the bag of medicine grew tighter as I thought about that. Gavin...
"Paige isn't coming?" he asked, looking out the window. I shook my head.
"They're going to come to visit tomorrow. You need to get settled in." He nodded slowly and stumbled as he tried to walk over to the door. I went to his side after a long enough pause that it wouldn't seem like I was babying him. He leaned on me heavily, and I went forward slowly to the wheelchair. The doctor had suggested taking Jay out to the car in one, given that he had spent the last week or so in bed. Settled him down in it and tried to pretend that I didn't notice how small he looked. Ryan let me borrow his car for the day, knowing that I didn't have one or want one anymore. I wondered if I could still remember how to drive.
Then we were back at my apartment, he laid on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, hardly blinking. "Jay, I know it's none of my business, but I think you have to tell Paige. He's really worried about you." I said. He started to prop himself up but grimaced in pain and slid back down. Eyes painted with circles of darkness, he'd only been able to sleep when the nurse came with the sleeping pills. Arms that looked so fragile and translucent, I felt that I could see through him."Can I call him then?" he asked, eyes hopeful. I went to get the phone, maybe if they talked then this could all be cleared up and he'd realize that he'd never be able to have Paige. Gave him the phone after dialing the number and excused myself.
Five more. Scissors fell to the floor and clattered open. Shit. Cut too deep again. Sank against the cupboards and let it bleed. Would Paige leave Ryan and Amir for Jay?
Came back later and found him smoking a cigarette nervously, twirling it around with his bad hand. Noticed that he hadn't had the time, inclination, or strength to clean out the blood and dirt from under his finger-nails. Fingernails that he was gnawing on with a single-minded devotion. The phone was on the floor, batteries spilled out in a massacre of lithium. Somehow he had managed to pull himself into a sitting position, and he sat there, his shirt riding up and revealing a bit of the bandage that covered the left side of his chest and the bruise that caressed the right. Eyes were red, but they had been red ever since the accident. Legs splayed haphazardly, but still with care, given how many wounds crept over them. He looked up slowly as I stood in the doorway, smoke leaving vapor trails in the half-light."Want some dinner?" I asked, deciding that avoiding the subject was the way to go. He shook his head and leaned back against the headboard.
"Think I'm gonna go to bed." he muttered gruffly.
"Okay. I'll be sleeping on the couch if you need anything." Started to leave. Heard a small whimper and turned.
"Could you please just stay in here until I fall asleep?" he asked. His eyes were wide and pleading. I sighed and sat down on the bed. "Thanks." But he made no move to turn off the light or lay down. Just sat there and smoked. "Paige used to do that when I was sick. He'd just sit there until I fell asleep. Even if he had someone waiting." Ragged inhalation. I took the cigarette away from him and rubbed it out. He looked at me silently.
I laid down fully and looked up at the ceiling. The water damage was slowly expanding, like an octopus with all of its tentacles reaching for the window, the door, the bed, the closet. Jay moved, reached over delicately and picked up my arm, studying the new marks closely. Then his lips descended and he started licking at them. I slowly pulled away. He looked up questioningly. "Jay, not now." He shrugged slowly and returned to his former position.
Watched his profile. What little sunlight remained spilled over his silhouette and hit my eyes. His tongue licked at his lips slowly, cleaning off the remaining blood. Face still looked somewhat normal, except for the stitches where his eyebrow ring used to be. He saw me staring at him and started to open his mouth to ask me something. Practically jumped on him, pushing him to the bed and kissing him madly. He flailed about in surprise for a moment and then started to return my kisses, pulling me closer with his arms. I tried to be mindful of the fact that most of his body was a mass of pain, but hormones took over...what the fuck was I doing? He started to try and devour my lips with his own, our tongues met and snarled together, his fingers scratched down my back. Then he pulled away to catch his breath. I sat up and became aware that I was straddling him. "I'm sorry." I mumbled, trying to get up to go. "I shouldn't have, you like Paige..."
He sat up slowly and pulled me back down. "Right now, you're all I have. And Paige can go off and fuck himself." he snarled. His hand went behind my head and pushed me into a kiss. I moaned, oh shit it had been so long, so long since anyone had ever wanted to kiss me, ever actually done it. Lost myself in the warm cavern of his mouth.
Then thought returned for a brief moment. Turned my head away for a second. He continued to kiss my cheek, then started to work down to my neck. "I don't want to get into a relationship yet." I whispered.
"`S okay. Neither do I." breathed against my ear. "Just fuck me, please."
"I would have thought you would want that to be the other way around." I teased. I didn't really care, as long as the growing hardness in my pants got taken care of.
"I'll only do that with Paige. I promised myself." His tongue trailed down to the collar of my shirt. I started to peel back his shirt and he hissed in pain. A tear ran down his cheek.
"Maybe no fucking tonight." I whispered. He nodded. Gently grabbed his cock. Deep groan, his eyes rolled up into his head. "But there are other things to do."
Tugged down his zipper and snuck my hand into his boxers. His hands flew to the bed and gripped the sheets tightly. A small whimper came out of his throat, but it wasn't from pain. Laughed to myself and pulled down his pants smoothly, then his boxers. His legs were covered with bruises and scrapes, I wondered how he could bear it. But his cock was what demanded immediate attention. Almost fully erect already. Licked at the head tentatively, watching his face screw up and his teeth cover his bottom lip. Lapped up the precum, and then slowly descended. Let my tongue encircle his shaft, enthralled by the groan that arose. His hips started to thrust and I gagged for a moment. Shifted to let in air. He moaned my name, not Paige's, something that I was somewhat proud of. Thrusting, thrusting, could feel his body start to quiver... Then he came. Let it fill my mouth, tried to swallow but inevitably some overflowed. "Gods..." he whispered. Covered his mouth with my own, let him find out what he tasted like. Abandoned his mouth and started to kiss his neck... Then heard his breathing even out. He was asleep. I smiled and fixed his pants.
Went to sleep on the couch.