48. “Confidence”Exhaled...smoke rolled out in a cloud of nicotine and carcinogens. I watched it change colors as it hit the air and then disappear, leaving only the memory of its existence. Took another drag and closed my eyes. I tried to think of the best way to talk to him again, to tell him that I wasn’t mad at him and just... I don’t know what I really wanted out of it. I couldn’t just welcome him back without asking where he’d been...it wasn’t like he’d volunteered that information...at least I’d TOLD him when I got back from abandoning him. Stuck my knuckle in my mouth and bit down, trying to keep from remembering that. What right did I even have getting mad at him for doing something I’d done to him...and much worse than he’d done. Maybe he was lucky that he’d only come home to find me drunk and puking instead of high and bleeding everywhere.
Rolled over and put out the cigarette. Sighed and examined the bite marks. They stayed imprinted in my skin for a minute or so, then the skin got dark red and they started to recede. I looked at the door. I really should go out there and make sure he wasn’t hurting himself or drinking. The feel of cheap cotton sheets met my skin as I shoved my face into the pillow. How could I just go out there and pretend that nothing had changed?
He was just sort of half sitting, half lying on the couch and staring at the blank TV screen. An empty pack of cigarettes sat next to a full ashtray. I could only see the back of his head as he sat there, dim flash of auburn. Pulled my hands into my sweatshirt, a bad habit I’d picked up a long time ago, and tried to get up the nerve to just go over and talk to him. The worst I could do was scare him away again. Nibbled on the sleeve...why was this so hard? He’d never yelled at me that he could remember except for the time I really deserved it. Inhaled quietly, closed my eyes and tried to envision him smiling and being all happy...but positive thinking had never worked very well for me. Why else would I still be hurting now?He looked up slowly as I walked in front of him. His eyes were guarded, as if perhaps I was going to spit on him and then rip his face off while accusing him of the worst kinds of betrayals. I grabbed my arms and tried to just look at his chest instead of his face, maybe that would make things better. He licked his lips slowly like he was going to say something...perhaps a peace offering? Or just a quick lie, an “everything’s going to get better Bobby,” when both of us knew it was a lie and only had to look at each other to know the truth.
We stared at each other for a few seconds that seemed like hours. I resisted the urge to wipe at my face and make him feel like shit...this had to be spoken, I trusted him.
“I missed you.” I whispered.
“I missed you too.” he whispered back.
There was a long and uncomfortable silence where we just looked at each other, sort of a test to see who could make the first move. I swallowed hard and stepped forward a little, stopping only when I saw the fear in his eyes. That made me feel even worse. Trust was so fucking hard. Closed my eyes and crossed the space between us, curling up next to him on the couch and grabbing onto him so hard that he couldn’t get free without ripping my fingers off. “Don’t go ever again.” I mumbled into his neck.
“I won’t.” He closed his eyes and we just sat there tangled together for a while. Words didn’t seem like they would have any impact, so I kept my mouth closed, just reveling in the fact that he was here, that unlike everyone else, he did come back and he didn’t break his promises. He thought I was more than the purveyor of emotional baggage.
Stayed together on the couch and ignored the thumping from upstairs. Those three either had a libido that couldn’t be matched or were just watching porno with the volume turned up as high as possible.
He shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. “Were they like this the whole...” he trailed off and bit his lip. “Sorry.”
I sighed and pulled away, sitting up completely. My hands seemed extremely interesting all of a sudden. Small little bits of nail polish stuck to the nails and I picked at them despondently. I sat like that for a while, sort of huddled into myself. I wasn’t sure what I could do to ease the tension and have everything go back to normal. Finally I just started mindlessly staring at the dead television. My head still felt like it was full of needles and any movement would poke at my brain and hurt like hell. He rubbed at his forehead and sighed loudly.
“Could you at least give me a clue? I can’t tell if you want me to stay or not.” he said. His fingers clutched at the couch like he was going to get up. My eyes instantly shot to his face and tried to plead with him, but he wasn’t looking at me. His jaw had set in a firm line.
I couldn’t think of anything to say. Bit my lip and stared at the floor again. He started to get up. I clenched my eyes closed and tried to tell myself that I had to do this, I had to... I couldn’t just sit back this time. Grabbed onto him and pushed him down onto the couch again, “Don’t leave me alone!” Screamed louder than I thought possible, hysterical almost, it tore through my already aching brain and made it throb with pain. “Please, just stay.” I tried to say it calmly but the thought that he was going to leave...and leave for good this time...grabbed at his shirt and almost tore it in my desperation.
Then his hand on my back, reassuring pats, he held me to his chest and sighed loudly, whispering that he wouldn’t ever leave me alone again if I didn’t want to be. My fingers scratched on his chest under his shirt, it had to hurt, but he said nothing, he only held me until I had calmed down enough to let him gently pry my fingers off of him, leaving dark pink trails and small imprints of blood where my fingernails had bit a bit too deeply. I instantly felt like a complete idiot for getting this worked up when maybe a few words would have done just as well.
My fingers ran over the rough edges of the rents on his stomach, I wished I could just take them back. I usually didn’t let myself get this worked up over what should have been comparatively nothing. He didn’t say anything, he just looked at me with that inscrutable gaze that he had. As if he wasn’t sure if I was going to keep on hurting him or not. As if I was going to change my mind and make him go away again. “I’m sorry.” I moved off of him and turned away.
“For what?”
I shook my head and sighed. “It’s bad...it’s so bad when you get attached to someone. When you expect it least...they leave.” Almost choked on my tears. He didn’t come any closer. Perhaps he sensed that that wasn’t the thing to do this time.
“Bobby...I’m not Shane.” he said softly. “You’re the only one I want.”
I swallowed hard. “I know. But it’s so hard to...”
“I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to.” Felt the cushions shift as he moved closer. “Please, just trust me. I know it’s hard and that it hurts, but try.”
I turned and looked at him. “Why did you let me stick around after I left and came back?”
That question made him close his eyes for a second and then smile weakly. “The less said about that the better.”
I pulled my knees up to my chest and sighed. “I’m sorry.” He had pulled his shirt up a bit and was touching his fingertips against the scratched remains of my fervor. I moved over towards him, almost pleading with him to at least look at me. It seemed like he was somewhere unreachable. Hesitantly I let my fingers meet his, then touched his stomach. He exhaled softly and let his eyes close slightly. “I’m so sorry...” Leaned over and kissed the slashes, then let my tongue dart out and lick them. He gently eased me away. When I looked up at his face, he just seemed so sad...as if nothing could alleviate the memory of the hurt.
“I trusted you. My mind wouldn’t let me forget that. I had to take so many drugs to drown out the voice that said you weren’t coming back. Just...just don’t ever do that again.” His hand went to the scar, it looked so vicious and bright pink.
“I won’t. I promise.” I tried to put as much emphasis on the words as I could, maybe he’d believe me. Maybe I’d believe myself for once. It was then that I realized that the thumping upstairs had stopped. Jay bit his lip and was lost in thought. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek quickly, then pulled away before he could attack me.
“Hey...um...do either of you want anything? We’re making lunch.” Ryan said from the doorway. I looked up over the couch and instantly wished I’d hadn’t. He was wearing a not fully tied silk robe and standing in a way that made it obvious he hadn’t bothered to put on anything else besides it. Hadn’t seen so much of Ryan since the night he and Jay...shuddered at the memory. Jay didn’t even bother turning. Ryan stood there for a while and then sighed. “Fine then. But you guys need to eat. You both look like anorexics.” He padded off towards the kitchen. I figured their lunch was probably going to be beer, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream.
Jay smiled a little and snorted. “What?”
His eyes as they met mine sparkled with repressed cynicism. “Never thought I’d hear you called that. Got used to hearing that about myself, but I never thought you’d...we’d... Nevermind.”
“Food just didn’t seem that important.” I said, picking at my fingers. “Nothing really tasted like anything. It still doesn’t, really.”
He nodded and sighed. “Why don’t we try?”
We ended up sitting in the backyard eating stale crackers and an assortment of other forgotten foods and staring at the dying bonsai tree that Amir had bought because he thought it was trendy. He continually forgot to water it and now it just looked like a dead tree branch stuck in a poorly painted pot. Of course, he was in complete denial of its death and still watered it, ignoring the fact that all of the water spilled out the bottom and didn’t even really stick to the dirt.“Do you think you’re going to go again?” I asked, breaking a cracker into dust. It made a little cloud of salt and crumbs before it disappeared into the grass.
He shook his head instantly. “As much as I wanted to be alone, it really didn’t turn out that well.” His eyes flicked to me for a second. “But we weren’t...we...” Silence except for the rush of air as he breathed in and out slowly. I stared at him for a moment, understanding what he was trying to say.
“We wouldn’t have lasted long together either.” I finished. “At that point.” Pause as I fidgeted in the grass. “But what about now?”
He sighed. His face was almost totally encased in shadow, I had no idea if he was frowning or smiling at me. “I’m willing to try.”