49. “Inverse”That night we slept together. No sex, no physical contact, the space between us palpable. I asked him if he wanted me to sleep on the couch and he shook his head, coming close to touching my hand but never quite making it. Then a whisper as he asked the same question of me. Instantly replied that I didn’t mind.
His skin held no clues as to where he had been. There weren’t any bruises, slick new wounds covered with bright red blood, tattoos, or bite marks. He offered no hints, maybe he thought they weren’t necessary. I slept facing away from him, sensing that perhaps he wanted no temptations, no reminders. Those things could all be worked out tomorrow. Now it was enough to just know that he was there.
His breath, so steady, it lulled me to sleep, a deep sleep that had never been possible while he was away. I pulled the sheets tighter around myself, burrowing down into a safe and secure bundle, letting the sheets cover up the majority of my body.
The bed shifted as he moved a bit. I sucked in a breath and waited to see if he was going to try and touch me. Nothing. A part of me was disappointed, but what would I have done if he had reached out, if he had tried to touch me, to kiss me? Probably pushed him away. So it was better that he hadn’t tried, less pain that way.
I was almost completely asleep when, “Bobby?” His voice, velvet, yet so fragile as if he was expecting me to be asleep so he could just slip away again.
“What?” I didn’t bother turning around and facing him. Might break down and do something stupid that would make him hate me more.
“Why did you start cutting?”
“Because you were gone and...”
“The first time.” Said harshly, but with a soft edge. Enough warning there that if I continued on talking about when he was gone he would hold it against me forever.
My eyes snapped open and then closed halfway. Didn’t want to remember that. Couldn’t. But I had to if I wanted to keep him. Inhaled deeply in a vain attempt to calm down. “R...Ryan stayed with me for a while after Shane left... Just kind of moved in... It worked out for a while, but then he just got tired of me acting all fucked up and said he was going. I let him.” I paused, waiting maybe to see if it’d put him to sleep. Nothing. “At that point I just felt so alone...so much like I didn’t know anyone who could make me feel alive anymore. And I was going to...I don’t know what I was going to do. I don’t really remember much about that night. I think I took a few pills, not enough to really do much, then I went in the kitchen and found the scissors and... Just did it. It was almost like an instinct. Like I’d done it before in some other life.” I let go of the sheets and covered my face, waiting for him to hit me or leave. “After that...it was almost natural.”
Nothing. Not even the sound of him breathing. Had he left while I was talking? Oh shit... I couldn’t take this again. “I’m sorry.” There was a brief pause as he moved. “I should have known, I should have done something.”
“We weren’t very close then. I don’t blame you for any of it.” I protested, turning to face him. He was lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. Nothing ruined its vast white expanse, the pipes here didn’t leak and cause puddles of death. For a brief second he looked at me, but it seemed like I could poison him just with a glance. Tears dribbled down his cheeks. “Jay, I don’t! Please, it was in the past.” I moved closer, not sure if he was just going to pull away. He didn’t. His skin was like paper, I could have ripped it open if I slipped with my hand. Pulled him to me. “I love you so much, nothing can change that.” He didn’t say or do anything. “If you can’t stay, I’ll understand.” That got a response. He grabbed on to me and buried his face against my neck.
“How could I have left you alone like that?”
“I didn’t expect anything of you.”
He was quiet for a while and just rested his head on my shoulder. “I think I was always jealous of you. You had Shane and a kid...everything seemed like it was going great. You had someone who loved you and I just had a bunch of one night stands. And then when it collapsed I...I think I was happy.” His fingernails dug into my back and I winced while trying not to show it. “And...”
“It’s over. Don’t worry about it.” I kissed his forehead, trying to get him to look at me. “We’re together now. Just try and let that be enough.” He wiped at his eyes and then nodded.
“I’m sorry. That...”
“You don’t have to apologize.” Said maybe a bit too harshly, but I didn’t need him blaming himself now. “Just go to sleep.” He nodded and relaxed his grip a bit. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Woke up to find him sitting up against the headboard and smoking silently. The room seemed so bright even with the shades closed. Maybe it was because they were white. I rolled over away from the light and tried to cover my head with the sheet. If he noticed he didn’t say or do anything. Finally the smell of nicotine lured me out from under my cotton burrow and I reached for the pack next to the bed. Lit up smoothly and sank back against the pillow.He exhaled softly, letting a small cloud of grey smoke float up towards the ceiling. “Morning.” he whispered.
“Morning.” I said back, unsure how he was feeling.
He moved over and leaned on my chest, blowing hesitant smoke clouds. I sighed and welcomed his steady weight on my stomach. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
Finally I put out my cigarette and laid back, closing my eyes. I was perfectly willing to stay like this the entire day. It seemed like he didn’t care much either, he closed his eyes and let his hand drop carelessly to the bed.
Almost back in the realm of sleep when he shifted and looked at me, then licked at my stomach tenderly. “What?”
“Nothing.” he said, starting to get up. I grabbed him and pushed him down flat on the bed, straddling him easily. He laughed, how long had it been since I’d heard him laugh and actually mean it? I just wanted this moment to last forever. A smile, just for me, not fake, not for money, not for the fans, but for me. I laughed a little and kissed him all over his face and neck, not caring if it was sloppy or sappy. All of my reservations melted away, it didn’t matter that he’d left, he was here and I shouldn’t and couldn’t worry anymore. So relieved that he’d come back.
He pulled me into a kiss, letting our tongues play together softly. I took control, moaning as his hands slid down my back and traced along my boxers. Traced along his teeth and let it spill over onto his neck, biting not very carefully at his pulse. He bucked up against me between my legs. Fuck, I wanted this to last longer than it seemed like it was going to. Held him down and licked my way to his nipples. At this point he was grunting in frustration and trying to find some way to keep me where he thought I belonged. I grinned evilly and slid one hand into his boxers, finding his cock easily and teasing it. He hissed and leaned into my hand, trying to make it last I suppose. I started to slip down his boxers and suck a hole in his chest.
“Just do something...” he pleaded. Finally got him naked and sat back a bit, watching him. He had his eyes half closed and seemed almost at peace. I knew he wouldn’t stay that way long if I didn’t do something. I moved his legs apart a bit and then descended on his cock, letting my tongue caress every area that my fingers had before. He jerked and tried to pull away or maybe push me down further, but I held him still and concentrated on giving him the most pleasure that I could. At this point I didn’t care whether or not I got off, he was my whole world. Let my tongue slide over his shaft and grinned inwardly as he spasmed and whispered a frantic appeal for more contact, more stimulation. I acquiesced after teasing for a moment. Took him into an easy deep-throat and relaxed my grip on his hips. I didn’t care what he did anymore. Let him fuck my mouth and fill it with cum.
I sat up slowly, wiping off my lips, and met his eyes. He blushed and looked away, almost as if he knew that I didn’t expect anything in return. I sighed and glanced at the clock...I should probably get up and pretend that everything was okay. But as soon as my feet hit the floor Jay was pulling me back on the bed and paying as much attention to me as I had to him.
Before I knew it my boxers were off and he was licking a trail from my collarbone to my cock. I pushed up against him, whimpering softly. Then gritted my teeth as he gently licked at the head of my cock. He calmly sank down and took it in fully, smiling as he heard my groans. I let him reduce me to a begging creature of pleasure, thrusting into his mouth and unable to vocalize much more than small cries of ecstasy.
No matter how much I might have wanted it to last, it couldn’t. I came moaning his name and clutching his head. He smirked as he looked up at me. “We couldn’t forget about you, now could we?” he asked. I panted and nodded. “Love you so much.” he whispered, nuzzling his head against my shoulder. I didn’t say anything. Some things didn’t need to be said.
But the world couldn’t be denied for long, as not long afterwards the threesome decided that rolling down the stairs and screaming out various obscenities was the thing to do. I sighed and started to try and untangle myself from Jay’s arms and legs. He woke up and stared at me, bleary-eyed. “Let’s go get breakfast before they eat everything.” I said.“I’m not hungry.” he said, turning to nibble on my shoulder.
“Neither am I, but you were the one who seemed concerned about us looking anorexic.”
Heard them before we saw them. They hadn’t been able to make it to the kitchen and were busy fucking in the living room. I kept my eyes averted and practically ran to the kitchen, hoping that the noises would disappear. Of course they didn’t. Jay smirked as Paige whimpered for Amir to slow down. Ryan was just giggling hysterically.“At least that hasn’t changed.” Jay said, putting some bread in the toaster. I shrugged.
“Some things never do.” My eyes kept on being drawn to his wrist, the white line that hadn’t healed very well. Still looked so raw and beautiful. He noticed and put his hand under the table. I rubbed at my eyes and hoped he wouldn’t say anything.
“Some things never will.” He was staring at my scars now.