47. “Penance”Woke up to more pain than I thought possible. Maybe drinking hadn’t been the best idea. The little bit of light creeping in underneath the shades wasn’t helping. Thousands of needles poking through my skull and eating into my brain. I put my hand over my eyes and sighed, praying for the sun to move and things to be better. All I could think about was that I’d broken down and that Jay would hate me for it when he found out. Scratched at my wrist and found that Ryan had replaced the band-aid sometime during the night so it wouldn’t peel up. I spent a few seconds trying to pry up the adhesive again so I could see the cuts...gave up because it didn’t seem worth it at that point. Closed my eyes and tried to will the world away, tried to deny that last night hadn’t happened and that Jay was so going to kill me when he found out...maybe not with words, but he’d look at me and shake his head and then leave with an expression of pity smeared all over his face. I bit my lip and tried to keep it all inside, I’d been there for him...most of the time. Was this what he had felt like when I left? Had he just... All I had seen was how he acted when I had discovered him, not the process he had taken to get there.
I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep...it might let me get through the headache unscathed. It was busy beating against my temples and coursing through my brain. But my stomach wouldn’t let me just lie there and suffer in silence, it jogged me to get up and go to the bathroom to puke my life away.
Leaned against the toilet and tried to stop the remaining heaves. I hadn’t eaten anything yesterday, that was probably why I was paying so heavily for it now. Clutched at my stomach and laid down on the floor completely, hoping that the room would stop spinning. Maybe after this I could try to get some water down and then maybe a cracker or two. Or not. Food was nothing compared to what I could expect when Jay got here. At that thought my stomach started to roll again and I directed my gaze upwards...things couldn’t get much worse just staring at white, could they?The ceiling was a mass of cobwebs and incomplete paint jobs. I could almost reach up and trace where one texture ended and another began. I knew Jay and Paige hadn’t given a shit about that stuff...and I was quite sure that the three headed monster didn’t give a shit either. They were probably fucking each other senseless right now. I didn’t care, I didn’t care...whispered beneath my breath a thousand times in hopes that it would mean something. A thump and then a muffled giggle upstairs.
I sighed and covered my eyes. Then had to get up again because my stomach wouldn’t take no for an answer.
In the midst of my heaves I heard the door open and moved my arms so that my face wasn’t readily visible. “Ryan, don’t you ever fucking knock?” I gasped out between puking my guts out. Silence except for my panting. The door didn’t close. Clenched my eyes shut. Oh shit...
“Bobby?” That voice. Almost started crying. Full of pity, though he was trying to conceal it. When I had thought about this last night all I could imagine was running up to him and losing myself in his arms. Now I just wanted to disappear. I understood now why he had pushed me away when I came back... I couldn’t imagine what I had looked like when I discovered him in that room bleeding and injecting his life away. Probably like he looked now...as if I had fallen so far. Statue of pity in the doorway.
“Just go away.” I hissed, covering my face as much as I could. “You don’t need to see me like this.” Heard the creak as he started to leave. Now I couldn’t breathe, I was too busy trying to keep down tears. I didn’t want him to leave for good, but I didn’t want his...
Arms around me, his body warm and solid behind me. I closed my eyes and tried to let myself believe that he’d never gone, that he’d always been there, that he’d always be there. “I’m sorry.” he whispered against my ear, nuzzling against my neck. Felt myself wavering.
“Let me clean up.” I muttered, pulling away. Refused to look at his face, only felt the nod and then he was gone. I wiped at my mouth and sighed, flopping back onto the floor. Didn’t really want to go into that room and listen to what he had been doing while I was tearing myself apart. My head still pounded with memories of last night. What had possessed me to try and drown everything in a flood of alcohol? And what was he thinking of me now? I wouldn’t be surprised if I’d just pushed him away for good. I was so good at that. Locked the door and tried to pretend that I wasn’t just throwing my own meager version of a bitch fit.
The eyes that stared at me out of the mirror were bloodshot and sore, my face didn’t look much better since shaving wasn’t number one on my list of concerns. Maybe I should have just stayed by that factory and become a hobo. I brushed my teeth only to get rid of the acid taste.
While I was doing that, I might as well take a bath, make him suffer for being away, make him regret that he’d ever left.
My clothes slid to the floor and I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. But I couldn’t stop looking at my arm. The scars were sort of fading, but I knew where they were even if no one else could tell. My fingers sought them out, running accidentally over fresh wounds and making them sting with remembered sweat. Sighed and got into the tub, turned on the water...let my eyes wander. It seemed so long ago that Jay and I were both in a bathtub trying to wipe away the memories of Ryan and Amir touching us. Then too he had seemed so far away. I sighed and dwelt on the fact that mold was growing between the caulk on the wall and the tub. Almost like cuts into the flesh of the house, bleeding in brown film that dribbled down into the white porcelain. I scrubbed furiously, opening some scabs in my fervor, they didn’t bleed enough to contaminate the water with red. I had to be clean again, I had to be worthy of him.
I finally just got out, dried off, got dressed and stared back at the mirror again. Further exploration of how I had altered would have only made it that much more tragic that Jay had to see me like this. The corpse looks had transferred from him to me. I sighed and unlocked the door, but didn’t open it. I didn’t want to face him just yet. Strength left me.
Curled up by the sink and pulled myself into a fetal position. I’d pushed someone away yet again that I just wanted to stay with me forever.
Then the world spun upside down, something was holding me up, the ground seemed so far away, the ceiling got closer...what was happening to me? Jay’s face looking down at me, smiling weakly. “You can get mad at me after you feel better, okay?” I curled into him and nodded.
“Just don’t leave.” I said softly. He didn’t act like he’d heard.
Woke up sprawled on the bed and alone. Instantly thought he’d left me again and that I’d have to muddle along by myself. Sighed and sat up a bit, hoping that a change in perspective would reveal him hiding under the bed or behind a curtain. Except that in a white room, everything different stands out. And, aside for the blue tulle draped over me like a blanket, nothing stood out. Maybe I’d dreamed it all in a hangover induced stupor and he hadn’t really come back yet and I had a chance to show him that I hadn’t suffered while he was gone and thus didn’t deserve any pity.The door opened and I flinched.
He came in slowly with a bowl of soup and sat down next to me on the bed. “You should try and eat something.” he said, handing it to me and then moving away a bit, almost as if he expected me to throw it at him. I’ll admit the option was tempting. Instead all I could do was stare down at the chicken broth.
“Thank you.” I said, moving my legs and putting it down on the bed. He got out a cigarette and lit it. Smoke spiraled around his face as he leaned back against the headboard. I picked up the spoon and stirred the soup around. As much as he wanted me to eat, my stomach just couldn’t handle it at the moment.
After a minute or so of just awkwardly sitting there he sighed and closed his eyes, kneading his forehead. “Should I just go?”
I looked up at him slowly, wondering if he meant it because he had decided he hated me and wanted me to wise up and realize that. But all I could see was uncertainty in his gaze. It tore me apart and I looked away. “No!” He smiled a bit. I bit my lip. “Just...I need some time... It really hurt me and...”
“I understand.” he said, getting up. “You left me once after all.” His hand traced over the mark on his wrist. I clenched my eyes shut and kept them that way until I heard him go. Then I went into the bathroom and dumped the soup down the drain.