46. "Disconnect"I didn't know where I was. I'd fallen asleep somewhere between bright lights and garishly made up faces, lifted skirts and betrayed intentions, lurking pimps and vacant eyed junkies. Now it was darker...the lights were fading, the city receding. There were only dark towers and hulking industrial constructs, small gleaming lights, security fences that pretended to be electrified, weeds overgrown and strangling dead grass. I moved a bit and tried to wipe off the remaining salt and drool from my face, knowing before I even looked at my reflection that I'd failed. I shivered, the world seemed to be encased in chill all of a sudden, even though it was relatively warm out.
Smoke swirled around and seeped into dark patches in the ground. What light there was came from flickering industrial strength lamps that gave it all the appearance of some post-apocalyptic playground. The steady hum of fans pierced even the whirring of the bus as it drove along towards the next stop. "No Trespassing" signs decorated each and every gate, but the fence was battered and worn and falling down in a few places. Looming shadows hid in the corners and presented the illusion that there was a whole society built on staying hidden and avoiding contact with the outside world. What I imagined were eyes gleamed in the dark and I caught the glint of steel. I should have gotten up at that point and found out what route I was on and where the hell I was, but it didn't really mean anything to me now. As long as I was away from everything that I knew, I was fine.
I still had no idea where I was going, but this place looked as good as any to get out.
Reached up and pulled the yellow cord. The little bing made a few passengers jump and look around accusingly to see who had disturbed their little jaunt home to their fake suburban happiness and two car garage with one side for junk. They had such company loyalty that they'd worked overtime and come home late...or else they were all getting back from late night sojourns into each other's offices. All their eyes settled on me, the freak who had been crying through most of the bus drive and then sleeping in what probably looked like an alcohol induced stupor. I avoided their gaze.
The bus driver looked at me oddly as I got up to get off. Perhaps I didn't look like the kind of person who actually would want to go here. I didn't care. Stepped out into the gloom and didn't turn around until I felt the rush of air as the bus drove off. Silence resumed except for the buzzing of electric lights and my own breath.
I walked around for a bit, looking for the weak spots in the fences that I'd seen earlier. Finally found one that I could squeeze through and I was inside. Huge towers of cement and stone, smokestacks gone black from frequent use. Giant tanks of something that required numerous warning labels caressed the sky with laddered hands. Gravel crunched underneath my feet, making me more careful than usual about how fast I walked. My bag pulled on my shoulder incessantly, I needed somewhere to sit down.
After a while I came upon a little pond type thing with a small metal overhang. Put my bag on the ground and then sat down, letting my legs hang over the ledge. My hand picked at the band-aid on my wrist, the sweat was making the cuts sting like fuck. Yet all I wanted to do was add to them, it'd silence the voice in my head that was telling me that Jay was never coming back, especially since I'd left.
The scissors came quickly to my hands, my wrist was bared before I even could think about it. Watch unclipped with no effort at all. I set it down carefully, not really wanting to drop it into the murky green water below. Blades slid open slowly, I felt the resistance as I watched them gleam in the gloom. Finally they were open. I shifted positions, but my hand started shaking. I'd promised Jay I wouldn't cut, I'd promised him...if I didn't stop he wouldn't come back. The two became united in my mind, his lips almost became the triangles, red and beautiful, whispering things that only I could hear. I almost thought I could see Jay flickering in the water below, smiling weakly as he turned to leave, smiling as he left me all alone. All alone once again. Sweat coated my hands and then the plop as the scissors hit the water. "Shit."
Flopped over onto my stomach and peered down into the murky green depths that glowed a bit in the dark. Let my finger touch the water for a second then pulled back as I realized it was warm and only getting warmer. "Fuck." Those scissors, those scissors had been my lifeline, my only friend. Imagined hearing their screams as they dissolved in the probably either radioactive or acidic water, they wondered why I was abandoning them now, when they could give me so much more, so much more love and compassion and warmth than anyone else. Started crying as I realized how hollow that was. Yes, they'd been around because they had no choice. There was no doubt in my mind that if they had been human they would have left by now.
Laid back in the dirt and stared up at the sky. Maybe if there hadn't been a plethora of artificial lighting around I could have seen the stars. Instead the little bits of light were overshadowed by beams of pretend sunlight, chasing away any hope of keeping this a natural area. I sighed and closed my eyes. My fingers ran over the line unconsciously, how I both hated and loved it. Scratched over the ridges and bumps, the unevenness of it bothering me. The desire to just rip it all open again was almost overwhelming, but the scissors were in the fucking water and Jay was gone and I had no idea where I was.
Tears burned hot and insistent behind my eyelids. I was so tired, I didn't need this. Dug my fingers into the earth. When I pulled them out the dirt stuck underneath my fingernails just like it had under Jay's when he had stood in front of that car. Maybe this was just a suicide attempt, by leaving everything I was killing off Bobby Hewitt, complete and utter failure, and replacing him with a nihilistic construct of light and air arranged to create a not very attractive creature. I sat up a bit, propping myself on my elbows. I didn't want to do this to myself again. As I shifted to a more comfortable position my hand scraped against a bit of glass half buried in the muck. I turned and dug it out carefully, the label of some obscure brand of beer still clinging to the green glass. I ran my finger against the side just long enough to know that it was still sharp.
I put it in my pocket. My mood had improved a bit, so perhaps I'd be able to get through the night without it. But I still put it in my pocket anyway. Until I could buy a new pair of scissors it would do.
Wiped in vain at my face again. I had to keep myself together or I'd fall apart completely. But I knew where I was going now. I just had to hope that things hadn't changed before I got there.
Empty glasses surrounded me and yet my thirst couldn't be quenched. I was usually relatively good at handling alcohol, I just had to be careful to hide exactly how much I'd been drinking and stay in the bartender's or waitresses good graces. I knew this was wrong, I knew what it had done to Jay, but it eased the pain so much. Surely it wouldn't hurt just this once?I let it all slide down and closed my eyes. The lights were lower than at the factory. Men who were falling out of their big and husky jeans sat at the bar and flirted with the gruff bartender who was falling out of her cleavage enhancing T-shirt. I kept to myself in one of the booths in the corner, finding little to interest me in their gossip about crop-dusting and ringworm. Then everything started to seem strangely funny. The half-naked woman cavorting on the beer bottle in front of me, the vomit soaked floor by the men's room, the guys discreetly giving each other hand-jobs in the booth across from me. I laughed for no reason at all, making everyone look at me. The kind of laughter that is always the precursor to tears.
"Maybe he's had enough." I heard one of the guys at the bar whisper to the bartender. She nodded and came over quietly, gently touching me on the back. "Sir, do you have some way to get home?"
At that point I just started crying. "I don't have anywhere to go."
"Is there someone you could call to pick you up? You've had an awful lot to drink." she said, looking at all the glasses and bottles I had hidden next to me. I could tell that she was wondering how much longer she'd have her liquor license after I turned up bloated and dead in a ditch.
"Fuck Bobby, how much did you drink?" Ryan asked as he helped me into the car. I just slumped into the back seat and drooled. The whole world was spinning and that seemed at once tragic and hilarious. "Please, just don't throw up." he begged. "Where'd you go anyway? We were looking for you...Jay called."At that I screamed and flipped over so I could look at him directly. I grabbed his face and pulled it down to my level. "Where is he?! Tell me! Just tell me!" I shrieked, shaking him as violently as I could.
"Calm down. He's coming back. He just...wanted to make sure you were still around. Because if you weren't, he was just going to disappear." he said softly. Seeing the stricken look on my face he instantly hastened to tell me, "I told him that you were fine. We were going to go out looking for you." I sat back in the seat and started crying again. "Then he'll come back and hate me...I fucked myself over..." The bit of glass dug into my thigh and I pulled it out. Ryan dove over and we fought to gain control of it. "Just let me fucking cut!!" I screamed.
He slapped me and pinned my arms. "Jay just wants to see you, okay?! He wants to know that you're alive. So why don't you fucking act like you want to see him! I know it's tearing you apart, but make an effort..." Finally I gave up struggling and laid there. "Bobby, please. It's not your fault he left."
"Why can't I believe that?" I whispered.
He helped me into Jay's old room and stayed with me for a while until it seemed like I wasn't going to throw up. I was somewhat surprised that I didn't. He sat next to me and hummed idly. "Bobby, I'm sorry about what I did...""Don't talk about it." I slurred, closing my eyes. So tired. Then thoughts of Jay and I smiled, remembering little kindnesses and... Ryan's hand ran through my hair gently.
"It'll be okay." he whispered and then left. I fell asleep dreaming of blue tulle and Jay's body next to mine, protecting me from the harsh reality that everything was transitory.