45. “Indifferent”“I don’t want you to hurt yourself again. You need someone around to make sure you don’t stop taking care of yourself.” Shane said a bit later. I didn’t even dignify it with a response. She had no real right to care anymore, especially after kicking me out and trying to poison Gavin against me. But maybe Terrence’s leaving had made her want to mend fences. “Gavin needs to be able to know his dad.”
“You didn’t think that when you told him I was no one special.”
“I’m sorry...I was bitter.” She looked repentant and I didn’t have the energy to protest. My tears and blood had already been spilled for that.
“Where would you have me go?”
“Somewhere where you aren’t alone. Where someone can check in on you and make sure you’re okay.”
I sighed and covered my eyes with my arm. The band-aid smelled of wet and metal, as if the blood was replacing it. I didn’t really even scab over anymore and my blood was light red instead of the dark it had been at the beginning of all of this. I didn’t need to feel like Jay was dead. “I’ll be fine here.”
“Just think about it for a while.” she suggested, shifting on the other sofa. I imagined that she was checking her nails for any traces of my sickness. “Ryan said it was okay if you wanted to move into Jay’s old room.” I managed a nod or something in response and she left.
I went.Almost regretted every second of it, but I went.
Perhaps because deep down I knew that Shane wanted me to ask if I could stay with her. I knew that if I did, I would most likely find her trying to push me back into my old place as if I had never been discarded. And, while I’d resist at first, I knew eventually I’d give in and Jay would be forgotten, or, if not forgotten, denied. As tempting as it was to some part of me to just do that, I couldn’t. I had to set the example, I had to stay when everyone else left. When all my friends had betrayed me, I had to be the trustworthy one, the responsible one. It hurt. Hurt so badly, I just wanted to have someone that wouldn’t leave eventually. I needed someone to be just as solid as I was, I needed...
Ryan opened the door when I went over and smiled weakly. My bag was light, better to be ready to leave when Jay came back than to be attached here, now. “Hi Bobby. Um, you’ll want a copy of the key, right?” he asked.“Yeah.” I stopped for a second and looked at him quietly. “Thank you.” My voice cracked against my will. His whole expression changed from one of civility and politeness to complete and utter pity. I despised him for it, but was in no position to protest.
He patted me on the back affectionately. “He’ll come back.”
White. Endless white. They’d taken down the blue from when Jay and I had seduced Paige and then left it natural. White. The white that Jay had craved to cover up his own insecurities and failings. The white that neither of us deserved. Ryan was hovering in the doorway as if I was going to ask to sleep on the couch. I turned and looked at him evenly.“This will be fine.” I said, keeping my voice steady.
“Okay.” He made like he was going to go, but then he popped his head back in again. “Towels and shit are in one of the closets upstairs...Jay’s were white, so you can use those if you want.” I nodded and tried to keep my impatience hidden. Just wanted him to leave.
Finally sure he was gone, shut the door and locked it, threw my bag on the bed. Digging through piles of clothes, searching for the white T-shirt, heavier than cotton. Wrapped around something, something cold with a metallic chill. Spread the arms out from their embrace, then the orange shone through. Thin leash kept on urges to just lick and kiss at the blades, slice my tongue to shreds, my torso, my body. But not now. Hid it on the floor of the closet and shut the door. Later.
Amir pulled me to the side later, toying nervously with his hair. “Bobby...I ... can I ask you something?” he said. We were in the hallway that led to the bathroom and their room. I was getting towels. Towels that still smelled of Jay. That unique scent of his flesh and soap. I think I was sniffing them surreptitiously when Amir came up behind me and gently tapped me on the shoulder.“Sure.” I was trying to be friendly so they wouldn’t regret taking me in. Perhaps a bit too friendly considering they’d tried to take me away from Jay, but they were all I had at the moment.
“I...I know you’re still cutting.” The words accompanied by a brief glimpse at my wrist. I nodded. “That’s okay, it’s just...you’re not going to do it in front of us, are you? Because...”
“I won’t.” I said curtly.
“I mean, because...I just couldn’t deal with that, you know?”
“I wouldn’t. It’s not something I’d do in front of someone else, especially someone else I wasn’t particularly fond of.” I said, trying to walk away.
“I’m sorry, that came out wrong.”
“Just drop it Amir. I won’t flaunt it in front of you, okay?”
“I do worry about you Bobby, you do realize that, don’t you?”
I spun and faced him. “Just drop it... I only pretended to like you that one time so Jay and I could fuck you guys over. I don’t find you attractive and I’m not going to offend your sensibilities by bleeding in front of you. Okay?” He nodded sheepishly. “Now don’t talk about it anymore.”
Later, leaning against the wall, keeping my wrist held up high enough that the blood dribbled down my arm instead of onto the carpet. I just got so anxious...and it all overwhelmed. Where was Jay? Was he cutting himself, drinking, fucking? When would he come back? Would he still like me when he came back? Was he even going to come back? What scared me most was that it seemed like I couldn’t even cry about it...sure, my throat got tight, but that was it. I wanted to cry, crying hurt, crying didn’t leave you worn out and bleeding, it could replace cutting. But I couldn’t cry.So now my left arm was slowly going numb. It scared me how it would do that, even when I hadn’t cut that much. Two slices and then for days I’d have periods where I thought I would never feel it again. I tried to keep calm. It was so hard though. When everyone left, the world’s worries had to go to someone, didn’t they? It didn’t help that there was no one to talk to who felt similarly. The thumping had started hours ago and didn’t seem like it would ever stop. Why had I ever decided to stay here? Shane might have understood, she might have... Visions of her naked and pristine, coaxing me with a finger and smiling, whispering words that would make me forget Jay forever.
I went to the closet and dug through some of the boxes, eventually finding one with the blue tulle that had been draped all over everything. Clutched it to myself and tried to drown out everything with memories of that night, of him... He had fucked me for the first time. He had picked me over Paige, he... He was going to come back, I knew he would.
I was eating breakfast a week or so later when Ryan came in looking as if he’d been up all night teaching Amir and Paige a lesson. My bowl of cereal suddenly became extremely interesting. Little bits of processed grain bobbed up and down in a sea of milk. Ryan slid into the chair next to me, accidentally bumping his leg against mine. “Morning.” I only nodded a reply. “So...anything exciting in the works for today?” he asked.I sighed. “There never is. You know that.”
If possible, he smiled more. “Then I’ve got the perfect idea for what we can do.”
I reached for my pack of cigarettes. “And what would that be?”
He leaned in closer, his foot tangling around my leg. “Well, I think you need something to take your mind off Jay.”
Lit the cigarette deftly while trying to inch myself away. “Who said my mind was constantly on Jay?” It was, but it made things much simpler to pretend it wasn’t. I’d caught Amir looking over brochures for chic little clinics where celebrities could go and have their nervous breakdowns. And as much fun as I knew that would be for me, I didn’t really want to go.
“He wouldn’t mind.” The foot slid up a little higher and his hand went into my lap. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. “It’ll calm you down.”
“I don’t want to Ryan, sorry. I’m going to be faithful to Jay, okay?” Moved my chair as far away from him as possible.
“Well, you know he’s probably fucking someone right now, don’t you? I mean, wouldn’t he have called or something?” He continued talking but I had long since tuned him out.
Buildings flashed past in a maze of concrete, pawn shops melded into vacant lots and then everything was just a line running towards the center of the universe. People elongated and disappeared, everyone disappeared, there was just me. Didn’t know where I was going, only knew that I couldn’t stay where I had been. I’d run away from Ryan, packed everything back into the bag and just gone. Well, I’d thanked them for letting me stay, thought idly about asking Shane if I could stay with her, but...I couldn’t. I needed to go. So I left.“Are you okay?” an elderly woman asked, tapping me on the shoulder. My hands were wet with salt. I inhaled a few shaky breaths before turning to her.
“I’m fine...thanks anyway.” I said as normally as I could. I knew she could see right through it, but lying was never one of my strong suits. Leaned against the window and just let it all flow out into the scattered trees and growing weeds of suburbia. Even that didn’t stop the sobs and soon I was huddled in my seat crying the world away while other riders stared at me and shook their heads. Somewhere in the midst of it all I squeaked out, “I want Jay.”