44. “Resign”I laid there for a moment, hoping that when I sat up there wouldn’t be a note. Shane had left a note. I still had it somewhere, perhaps it was still underneath the bed with all of the boxes of pictures of Gavin and us, wedding pictures...they all seemed like well-preserved death masks. She had written a bit of poetry at the top, some random quote taken out of context that held no meaning. She had taken the metaphor literally, perhaps it was a severing of Siamese twins or the separation from a mother and her child. It didn’t matter. Nothing did.
I had nothing of Jay’s except for a few empty vodka bottles and the shirt he had left that first night he had slept over. I remembered that first hug, how it was because I listened to him bitch about Paige.
But there was no note.
Went to the bathroom. Scarlet spatters on the floor messily leading towards the kitchen. The tub half-full with crimson water, towel and washcloth in a tragic embrace soaked with life. Bloody footprints should have shocked me, should have made me snap out of the emotional coma it seemed that I was in, but I only stared at them as if I was outside all of this. I had used up all my tears when Shane had gone. When I had seen her clothing gone, or rather my clothing, she kicked me out after all. The suitcase left on the stair filled to the brim with the detritus of my life. I didn’t see his corpse bloated and floating beneath the lukewarm water, couldn’t see his eyes glaring up at me as if accusing me for all of it. This was only proof that he was still alive.Stepped on the carpet and felt the bloody water taint my footsteps as I walked into the kitchen. The drips laid slick on the floor and if I hadn’t been paying much attention I could have tripped and died on the liquid. Flashes of when I had gone insane and slit myself to pieces entered my mind and exited just as quickly. I saw no knives fat with sanguine, no blades sharpened on flesh and bone. Just water that had walked a little too closely to blood. Too closely to Jay.
The trail led to the front door, there were bloody smudges on the imitation brass fixtures and it was unlocked...I wondered if he had thought about someone getting in and attacking me, it was that kind of neighborhood no matter how much one disguised it. For a brief moment I entertained the notion that he had been attacked, but it fled quickly. I would have heard and the bandage wouldn’t have been left so carefully placed.
Maybe he didn’t need a note after all.
It wasn’t as easy to follow the marks in the hallway, the carpet was darker and had a pattern running down it. But I could feel the wet and lingering stickiness on the soles of my feet as I found the path.Going down the stairs I ran into one of the older residents. A wart perched on the top of her lip and she breathed heavily and disturbed the tuft of hair lodged in it. We exchanged a glance, we’d never talked much, just occasional “Hi, how are you’s?” in the elevator before the elevator broke down and the superintendent decided not to fix it. She had a vaguely East European accent and hair that refused to go grey. Mostly because she dyed it into submission, but everyone pretended it was natural. Now she was staring at me.
“What are you doing up this late?” she asked, looking me up and down before meeting my eyes. I hadn’t dressed...much...just in my boxers in the hallway, but it was hot, surely she’d understand.
“Um...looking for my friend.” Refrained from covering myself. She was prone to thinking she was still attractive and that men got instant erections looking at her. The fact that she was just deluding herself had escaped her.
“The tall one? He’s out in the parking lot.” she shook her head sadly and then touched my back gently. “So sad...you two should just forget your differences. It’s hard enough to find someone to share the rest of your life with, don’t ruin it with bitterness.” Her hand slid away as if my back was coated with butter and she continued to shuffle up the stairs. I wondered if she’d talked to Jay. If this was all my fault again.
Lights sang out of the gloom, little spots of brightness in a maze of black. The moon, or at least what I assumed and pretended was the moon, peered out from behind vast foaming grey clouds and lit up the parking lot. I couldn’t see Jay. I hoped that he hadn’t called a taxi and gone already.A small circle, a different shade of bright. Found him sitting by the bus stop. He had a bag next to him filled with what looked like clothes. I stopped for a moment and tried to delude myself into thinking that he was just taking them to the all-night Laundromat. But there was a laundry room in the basement and you didn’t have to pay. Words hovered behind my lips, but I couldn’t say anything. What was there to say? When Shane had told me to leave I just accepted it, I could accept this too, surely.
Finally he looked up and all I could look at was his wrist. He’d let it run open and it was bleeding, the stitches looked torn and frayed. I knew if I looked at his eyes I’d break down. The cigarette in his left hard dropped on the sidewalk and then rolled into the street. “Bobby.” he said.
“Were...were you just going to leave?” I asked, trying to control my voice.
He turned his attention back to the street and muttered something. He knew I couldn’t hear it. I crossed my arms loosely, it was colder outside than I had thought it would be and the odd looks I was getting from the people in passing cars wasn’t helping. “I’m sorry.” he said after a while. “I just think....”
“Think what?” Bit back tears, I’m so weak.
“Bobby...I just need to leave for a while, this isn’t helping either of us.” His voice quavered on the last few syllables. “I woke up and realized that we were only going to die if we kept on like that. If I...I just need to find somewhere else.”
“For good?”
“I’m...I’m coming back.” he whispered.
Tears tore out of my throat like aliens exploding from my stomach. “Did you ever think that maybe I needed to leave too? That maybe I wanted to leave this place too?!” My fingernails ripped into my arms. I couldn’t hate him, no matter how much I knew that I should. I wanted to go with him so badly.
He started crying. “Bobby, if we went together I think we’d both die.”
“Just go then!” I snapped. “Fucking leave me alone! I can deal with it...I wanted that anyway. Just go!” Wanted to kick myself so desperately. The corpse in front of me wiped away a stray tear and in the process messed his makeup up. It smeared down his cheek like he’d been touched by a ghoul.
Wound up crying in the corner of the kitchen and holding the scissors to my chest. They all left, eventually they all left. And I knew that it was just me pushing them away. That it was ME...I was the cause of all of this. Through teary eyes I clicked them open and shut, open and shut. My line itched so badly. I hadn’t gone up to the wrist, it was just sort of a line in the middle of my arm. I had sworn so many times to myself that I was never going to have one line, that I was going to stop before it grew and encompassed my entire arm.That night it reached my wrist. I cut on the bone and was disappointed that it didn’t bleed more.
Shane came over. I guess Jay had stopped by, told her to check in on me for some reason. I didn’t even understand how he could do something like that, how he could ask HER to check in on me, she was the one who had turned me into this sniveling monster. But I let her in anyway, perhaps I thought she’d changed...perhaps I thought she’d brought Gavin.Instead she brought other news. “Terrence left.” I stared at her from my position sprawled out on the couch. She watched me, noting the water-proof (really water-absorbing) band-aid on my wrist, the haunted look in my eyes. I could only gape at her. “Happy? Now I’m just as miserable as you are.” she whispered.
“Maybe you deserved it.”
“I’m sure I did.” She sighed and stared at the blank walls, the patched up TV. “Jay told me to tell you that he didn’t leave because of you.”
“He told me that too. Am I supposed to believe it?”
She shrugged. “Only if it makes you feel better.” Heard her inhale a shaky breath. “But I think he means it. Terrence said it and I could see the lies. Jay told me and...he loves you Bobby. He’s not doing this to hurt you.” She got up and went to the window.
“I don’t think anyone does.” I muttered. Thought of the only picture, the only good and clear picture I had of him underneath my bed, covered with lipgloss and smeared with good intentions.