41. “Glow”Bubble of black linen that was soon pierced by the light of improperly closed shades. I flopped it open and sighed, squinting into the light. Jay burrowed deeper into the sheets and sighed deeply, finally turning away from the window. I looked at the clock. It was around one in the afternoon, it seemed odd that the light hadn’t bothered me until now. Maybe there were some angles and shit like that involved. My mind whirred in that vein for a while until I finally just got up and fully closed the shades. There was a bit of noise from Jay’s side of the bed, but he didn’t make any movements to get out from underneath the covers and interact.
The kitchen was empty of anything edible. There were some half-empty containers of ketchup and mustard in the refrigerator, a few sickly looking stalks of celery that I didn’t remember buying. The cupboards only contained dust that seeped out like the gas from some alien planet. I resisted the urge to see if I could eat it. I sighed and shut the doors and then fished in my wallet. Yes, there was enough money to maybe get something at the grocery store. Touching my wallet made me think of Jay’s languishing at the bottom of a bag of blood and cotton. My fingers sought out my line, running over the uneven surface and finally reaching my elbow. There were scissors in here somewhere...hidden beneath a layer of dust and grime.
At the thought of prodding Jay awake and getting him dressed and ready to go out the door my strength almost vanished. But he had to eat, I had to eat. The starving junkie look had lost its usefulness.
“Um, I’m gonna go get something to eat. Do you want to come?” I asked from the doorway to the bedroom. He only rolled over and pulled the covers further over his head. “Do you want me to get you anything special?”
“No.” he said finally, his voice obscured.
I decided that to say anything further would be to risk the wrath of Jay, which was quite considerable when unleashed.
The bus ride was uneventful. At one of the stop lights the bus stopped right across from a Taco Bell where some school was holding a fund- raiser for their field hockey team or something like that. Girls in bikinis raced around holding up signs and giggling. One of them was very obviously pregnant and had written the name of their school right across her growing child. She didn’t look as exuberant as the others, but she was still there. I gave her credit for having the bravery to do that. Her eyes were world-weary as she exchanged a glance with me, her eyes briefly flickering towards my arms before a small smile crossed her lips.Two old women across the aisle looked at her and clucked their tongues, whispering that it was a shame that she had wasted herself on the captain of the football team and turned into a little slut. I resisted the urge to go over and punch them. A few minutes before they had been loudly wondering about me, again, I had made the mistake of putting on the hooded sweatshirt and rolling up the sleeves since it was a sort of hot day. I think they had settled on me being a junkie speed-freak drug dealer on the way to pick up his latest shipment. At least they hadn’t recognized me. I didn’t know what would be worse, being reviled for selling drugs or being a homosexual whose lover tried to kill himself.
The grocery store or supermarket thing was overwhelming. Thousands of boxes of prepackaged and premade meals all screamed to be taken home and eaten. Aunt Millie, Uncle Ben, and ten other relatives I never knew I had all raised their little copyrighted arms to come and visit for dinner. Cardboard cutouts of racing stars leered and held up their caffeinated beverage of choice as if it was worth more than all of the money they had received running around in circles.I tried to think of some safe choices. Ended up with some meat that was almost at the end of its freshness date, a box of some sort of mix to make hamburger stroganoff, and some crackers. I didn’t have enough money to spring for all of the frozen dinners that looked immaculate on the box but like shit on the plate.
The cashier and bagger stared at me briefly before resuming their conversation about prom and graduation. I listened to their recounting of the event and the bagger detailing every line of her perfect lime green dress with no straps and the way her hair had been just right. The cashier interjected a bit about her long lost boyfriend that she was going to take back even though he was playing her. I sighed and tried to avoid making eye contact as they began to scream at each other.
The bag ripped on the ride home and I watched as the blood from the hamburger dripped down my leg and settled on my sneakers. My feet left red footprints as I hopped off of the bus.
There were several pieces of furniture left out by the curb that could have been promising to take home, but I resisted the urge. I was holding everything in both of my arms, there was no room for the half- broken table lamp and the pile of brochures for every country that had a tourist department that cared.
So I went home leaving a trail of murderous intent behind.
The cosmetologist came out of her apartment and sort of jumped as she saw me. “Bobby! I..uh..I thought you’d still be with him.” she said, lowering her voice a bit.“I needed to get something for us to eat. Was he bothering you or something?”
She shook her head. “He’s been really quiet...I thought you were there. I mean, um, after what happened and all...”
“It’s okay.” I said, unlocking my door. “I’m glad you’re concerned though.” Weak smile then I disappeared inside.
Jay was still a lump in the bed. I decided to cook something and then bother him about eating.
The packets were separated and pristine in their cellophane. Noodles, powder that would masquerade as sauce later. Soon the kitchen filled with the smell of cooking meat. It seemed like it had been so long since I had prepared anything.
I mixed everything slowly, trying to resist the urge to innovate and add things that didn’t belong. My stomach growled, it didn’t seem like I was going to refuse this. I actually wanted to eat. I would have eaten the whole mess if Jay hadn’t been there and starving too.
“Jay...do you want to try and eat something?” I asked, coming closer. The lump moved a bit, but that could have been a trick of the light.
“Just wanna sleep.” he mumbled.
“Could you try..just a few bites?” I persisted. I knew I was treading on ice that I didn’t want to break. He had never yelled at me before, but now he had reason and he could and it would break me.
The covers flopped down and revealed his face. Surprisingly, he just looked really tired. I expected dried tear trails, redness around his eyes, his lips to be bitten bloody. “Fine, I’ll try.” he said, getting up. “You have to eat too.” His hand went out and touched my ribs, slipping down each bone easily. He pulled me onto the bed and leaned his head on my shoulder, hugging me gently.
“I will.” I said softly, kissing his forehead.
We both pretended that it was before the world had melted and spilled down the drain. Food seemed to taste like what it was supposed to be again, and maybe we laughed a bit and talked about neutral topics for a while. He kept his bad hand under the table so that the white of his bandage didn’t come between us. I rolled my sleeves down so my scars wouldn’t catch the glare. And things were somewhat normal.I went to bed a bit earlier than he did, trying to save up some energy gained by eating. A few minutes after I turned out the light and made sure that the shades were down completely I heard a thunk in the hallway. Somehow I stumbled out to investigate and found Jay sitting on the floor clutching his injured wrist and biting back sobs.
“Fuck!” He held it up closer to his face and clenched his teeth. “Why didn’t they just chop you off?” His hand went right to the tape and started to rip it off. “I was so stupid...”
“Jay, what are you doing?!” I said, coming closer. He kept his head pointed at the floor and wouldn’t meet my gaze. “Come on, it’s okay.” I touched his shoulder gently, trying to get him to at least look at me.
“Bobby...I’m sorry.”
“Please, just stop saying that. We have to try and make things better or we’ll just end up doing the same things again.” I almost slapped myself, I sounded like the biggest asshole optimistic prick in the world. He didn’t need this right now. But as he looked up at me and the tears started to dry, I realized something, maybe he did.