42. “Listless”His wrist was so thin. The stitches stuck out stark black against his almost white flesh. Eyes closed, he sighed deeply and kept his gaze averted from what I was doing. On some level he seemed to understand that he wasn’t supposed to see it. I slipped with my finger and accidentally touched it. Apart from a wince, he didn’t say or do anything. I whispered an apology while I started to wrap the gauze tightly...but not too tightly, around his wrist. He muttered that it didn’t really matter or hurt all that much. I knew he was lying...but what could I do? I didn’t want to upset him anymore than I had to.
Not that he ever seemed upset about things. It was more like he’d just let things happen to him without really letting it sink in. Maybe he was doing it in a vain attempt to placate my fears about his state of mind.
Taped the last bit to his skin and let my fingers slide over to meet his flesh. He twitched a bit and his eyes opened. “Does it look very bad?” he asked.
“No. But I still don’t think you should look at it until it scars.” I said.
“Did you look at yours when you...” he trailed off as my hands left his body and went instantly to the scars that still hadn’t faded. “I shouldn’t have said anything.” I ran my fingers over the lines on my wrists, the lines that should have cut deeper than anything had ever cut. Instead I had chickened out and only cut shallowly, making a huge mess but not losing anything important.
He stretched his fingers experimentally. It looked like they still pained him, but he was getting better at hiding the signs. He stopped and watched me silently while I continued to run my fingers over the white. “Bobby, are you okay?” he asked, moving his hand like he wanted to touch me.
“I’m fine.” I said softly. It felt like if I only pressed a little harder my skin would give and it would all spill out.
Found him later watching a movie on TV. He was all sprawled out over the couch that had been my only outlet for existence those weeks ago when his veins slipped open and revealed the emptiness inside. I caught fragments of English narration but the majority of it was in Japanese. He read the subtitles quickly and seemed to be able to catch most of the drift.I sighed and sat down on the floor, leaning my head against one of his legs. He glanced at me briefly, but continued to watch as the scene played out.
It seemed that it was near the end...a student set a golden temple on fire and screamed in happiness because the beauty had been destroyed, a S&M couple were lying on the floor in exhaustion. But the last few images were the most striking. I watched as the main character stabbed himself with a knife and then pulled it across his stomach, cutting through flesh, bleeding profusely...the music swelled, the sun set...it all ended in a sepia glow that only exuded warmth, not the cold of what was happening. The view changed to encompass everything, it all felt so...perfect. I closed my eyes, desperate to deny it. I knew that it was just a clever manipulation of my feelings, it wasn’t real. But if it wasn’t real, then why did all my scars itch to be scratched open and freed?
When I opened my eyes again Jay had tears running down his cheeks and was shaking.
I leaned forward to turn it off but he sat up and put his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t.” he whispered, burying his face against my neck. “The music’s good.” It was, but it also brought to mind the blood and the knife and the sun and...
“Why were you watching that anyway?” I asked, patting his back awkwardly.
“I don’t know...it was just on.” he whispered. “But it was so perfect.”
“Jay, it wasn’t. I know it looked like it, but that’s not the way to go. I need you here.” Let the tears build up behind my eyelids but didn’t let them dribble down my face. “Why don’t we try and do something different? Like...actually go somewhere. Maybe that would help.” I suggested. Felt him shift a bit, but he didn’t move much. “Are you willing to try?”
“Can’t we just give up?” he whimpered.
I moved so that we were facing each other. I wished that every time I saw his face he didn’t look like he was death incarnate. “Please, just try.”
We ended up on a bus taking Gavin to the zoo. I found a spare one of my leather wristbands and put it over Jay’s wrist to hide it from everyone else. Gavin knew that something had happened, but Shane hadn’t told him exactly what. So he kept close to me as if Jay was sick with some contagious disease. I took a quick glance at him sucking his thumb and fidgeting nervously beside me and had a sudden urge to hug him to death. I bit that down and concentrated on whether or not anyone else on the bus looked like they were going to fuck with us.However much makeup I slathered on, I never felt that I looked anywhere approaching normal. It had been too long since I’d cared. Jay was pretty much a mannequin. Instead of acting insanely happy like he usually did whenever Gavin was around, he just sort of stared out at the world like it was fake. It didn’t help that he’d slapped on so much foundation it was hard to tell what the natural color of his skin was. And he’d made his eyes into dark pits. Pits he concealed with sunglasses, but enough people had had double takes looking at him that I knew they must be thinking that he was a corpse or a druggie.
Remembered how Shane had called that morning...she was at her wit’s end because Terrence finally had enough free time to spend with her and Gavin was getting in the way. She didn’t seem to care much that she’d be leaving him with two mentally unbalanced people, maybe she figured that the zoo was a safe enough place. At least there wouldn’t be anything insanely triggery unless they were feeding the seals or something. Jay had agreed with the idea almost immediately, showing more enthusiasm than he had in days. He used to care more...I guess I should have been glad for what I got.
Gavin kept on taking little peeks at Jay and then pretending that he hadn’t as soon as Jay looked at him. That at least brought a little smile to Jay’s face. I didn’t understand why...but maybe he just liked it when he scared people.
Everyone stared at us as I paid for the tickets. I didn’t think we looked that odd...it wasn’t like we were all glammed out for a concert or something. Maybe it was Jay, maybe it was Gavin, maybe it was me. All I knew was that if they kept on staring Jay was likely to start something. I just hoped that no one recognized us. That would have ruined everything. But it seemed that no one could. A girl wearing a rather old Orgy shirt looked right at us and didn’t scream and run over or even look like she cared. That was fine with me...but I really wanted a cigarette.Jay sort of hovered in the background as I followed Gavin while he ran through huge crowds to go and see the gorillas and the lions and the elephants, all the while pointing things out and smiling and giggling like a fiend. I wondered if Shane had slipped him some speed before we came here. I guess it was just that I hadn’t been around kids for a while.
Finally he got a little bit tired and contented himself with holding my hand and sucking his thumb, watching the world around him intently. Jay just stared impassively at everything, I don’t think he was one for animals. Perhaps it was just the children who seemed to all be running towards something he was standing in front of. Whenever I could I tried to get him to say something, but he seemed content to just observe.
Until we got to this place where you could feed the giraffes. Thick black tongues reached out for Ry Krisps that cost a dollar for one, when you could practically buy a whole box for that. Four or five giraffes stuck their heads against the wooden barrier and slurped up everything the excited children would give them.
Gavin looked interested, so I offered to let him feed them, trying not to think of cost. Jay stayed with him while I went to buy one. When I looked back, Gavin was holding onto Jay’s leg and staring at the giraffe’s nose that was sniffing the air intently. Jay put a protective hand on Gavin’s shoulder and said something to him. Gavin relaxed his hold a little, but his muscles were still tense. I walked over slowly and Gavin beamed at me. “Do you still want to feed them?” I asked. He nodded and smiled up at Jay almost adoringly. Jay managed a weak smile back and met my eyes evenly.
Sometimes I wished that I had a camera to record everything that Gavin did while I was around him, but I knew that pictures would never make up for the real thing. Gavin held the cracker out in a shaking hand and the giraffe took it delicately. “I hope you like it.” Gavin whispered before he grabbed onto Jay’s and my hands and pulled us away.
“What did you say to him?” I asked later, long after Gavin had gone home and the cosmetologist had stopped beating her fuck for the night. Jay just shrugged and blew out a steady stream of smoke.“I only said that they don’t like to eat little kids. That was the right thing to say, wasn’t it?”
“Well, he wouldn’t let you out of his sight after that, would he?”
He smiled wryly. “I guess that’s true. Kids are weird.”
“It wasn’t so bad then, was it?”
“Nope, not bad at all.” I inhaled deeply and tried to suppress any outward signs of pride. I wanted to believe that it had fixed everything, but I knew that it wasn’t something that could be fixed by getting away for a day.