4. "Bleed"Pressure. Building up until I felt like I would burst into a thousand shards of myself. Would that necessarily be so bad? Four slices. Four pretty bleeding gashes. Soon to be five, if I could just slice through this last bit of skin. Ah...there it went. Felt like passing out. Oh, I did not deserve this. Sank against the sink and let the smile overtake my face.
"Bobby? What the hell are you doing?" Jay asked from the doorway. What the fuck? I looked up at him slowly, expecting anger, hatred, maybe even pity, if he was able to do that. All I saw was envy. He walked over and took the scissors away from me, examining them, clicking them open and shut. "I knocked, but you weren't answering."
"I..I was busy. Guess I forgot to lock the door." I whispered. Slightly warmer skin touching my arm, lifting it up so he could look at it. Shivered, goosebumps spilled over my flesh. Nobody touched me anymore, and that was the way I liked it. But this, this reached over my hypersensitized skin and flew down to my cock, oh shit. Never felt this way about a guy, it must have been so long since...Tears came unbidden. I hoped Jay wouldn't notice.
He was busy rolling up his sleeve and opening the scissors wider than would be able to cut flesh. I walked over to him haltingly, unsure of how much contact I was allowed, how much I could guide him through this. Took hold of his hand and closed the scissors more. His eyes met mine, I disappeared into the muddy seas of his delusion. Then his fingers started to close and his eyes rolled back in pain. But he finished the cut smoothly, he didn't chicken out like I had. His finger traced over the small flap, no blood yet.
"I thought it would bleed." he said, in the tone of a disappointed child. Then beads of blood sprung up and he smiled.
"Why are you here anyway? You didn't call after last week." I said. No response, he was busy cutting more. Ragged cuts, no line, shape, or form. Two, five, six, ten. Finally he just sank to the kitchen floor and dropped the scissors, kneeling and hugging himself. I stepped forward and took the scissors away. "You shouldn't have cut so many at once."
Eyes so hopeless as they looked up at me. "Do you think they'll like us again once we start the new album?" he asked. Ryan hadn't told him about their `solo' project? I had no idea how he would react. So I decided not to tell him.
Grabbed his arm gently and looked at it. Shit, he had cut deep. "Come on, we need to bandage this up." I said. He shook his head petulantly, squeezing so that more blood came up.
"Paige'll take care of it. He...he has to." he whimpered. I said nothing and went off to get the bandages.
White covered red and he shook his head weakly. Blood loss was starting to get to him. "You have to hold still." I said, and he did. Smelled alcohol. "Jay, were you drinking again?" Small sheepish nod. "That's not the way to deal with this.""I know. But it hurts so much."
"Trust me, I know how that is." He looked up at me slowly, eyes unfocused. "Remember Shane? Gavin?" Choked to get those words out. Oh fuck, oh fuck, not again. Almost stumbled to go and get the scissors. But his hand held onto mine. He rubbed his face against it slowly.
"You're the only one who cares." he whispered.
"Come on, you need to rest to get your strength back." I said, trying to get him to stand.
"No...wanna drink some more."
"You've already had enough to drink. Now it's nap time."
"Paige?" he called, looking to the side. Then he looked up at me. "Paige isn't here, he's never gonna be here! I hate him!" he screamed. Red crept up his face and I wondered if he would finally yell at me.
"Shhhh. Just come to bed."
Somehow managed to get him in bed and quiet. Laid down next to him and let him hold my arm, kiss at random patches, trail his fingers over the opened wounds. His hand crept up over my crotch, settled down right on my cock. I inhaled deeply, trying to exert some control over the one part of my body I couldn't. He giggled to himself as I hardened."Jay, you don't want to do this." I whispered. No matter how much I wanted to, I had to keep in mind that he was drunk and thus not in the correct frame of mind for any sexual activity.
"You do." His fingers latched onto the zipper and pulled it down slowly. I slapped my hand over his. He smiled and leaned over to lap at my neck, nibbling at my pulse.
"I'll drive you home if you keep it up." Instantly his hand withdrew, but he kept on kissing my neck. Moaned, oh gods I wanted this so bad, but I knew it would be wrong, he would wake up in the morning and hate me. "Okay, you made your choice." He whimpered loudly as I pulled away and stood up. "You're going home."
"Please don't! They hate me, Paige won't talk to me..." Tears spilled down his cheeks. Oh fuck Jay, don't start the waterworks.
"I don't think you'll be able to control yourself here. You just need to go home and rest."
Eventually he must have seen the logic. He just nodded and followed me meekly to the bus stop.
Paige opened the door and stared at Jay. "He said he was staying at your place tonight."Jay was barely standing and looked extremely pale. Paige was wearing a hastily tied robe and his hair was mussed. Thumping and screaming echoed down the stairs.
"He's not feeling very well. I thought he'd feel better in his room." Still, Paige didn't seem like he would move. "Could you just let him sleep? You guys've been treating him like shit lately, it's no wonder he drinks so much." Finally, Paige relented and let him in.
"I'm sorry Bobby, it's just, he's always standing there and frowning. I ask him what's wrong and he won't say anything." He helped me drag a half-conscious Jay to his room.
"That's something you'll have to talk about with him." Paige nodded and left. I bent over Jay and kissed him gently on the forehead. He sighed in pleasure and whispered Paige's name. It was tempting to just stay and sleep next to him, but that would only present temptation for both of us. I didn't want him to hate me. He was all that I had to count on, apart from him it was just credit card salespeople and calls from Shane's lawyers. Went home.
The phone woke me around noon. Sleep had never been so enchanting, normally I would be up before the sun, fixing breakfast for Gavin, oh shit, I swore I'd stop thinking about them. Groggily reached for the phone. "Bobby, man, Jay's all messed up!" Ryan said loudly. I held the phone away from my ear and blearily stared at the ceiling. Then the reality sunk in."What?!" Cold sweat, shit shit shit...
"I told him about Amir's idea, and he...he ran out and got hit by a car. He's at the hospital, they're pretty sure that he's gonna live. Just thought you might want to know, you two hanging out all the time and all."
"Ryan, you dumb shit, why did you tell him?! Weren't you paying any attention at all?"
Listened to his bull-shit excuse. "Fuck you! You took Paige away from him, and now you practically stole the band. It's your fucking fault that he's in the hospital."
"Bobby, I...I didn't know he liked Paige, honest!" As much as I wanted to believe him, this was Ryan, and every other word out of his mouth was a lie.
"You did." Hung up. Laid flat out on the bed and sighed. Jay, what the hell had they driven you to?