26. “Burst”Ryan’s face was smug and devoid of anything but a grin. It was sweet victory for him. He’d gotten me to see Jay weak and weary, begging to be used, begging to be dominated. Not that I hadn’t seen that the first time. “Well, if it isn’t Bobby...do you need something else too? We could all have a fun time together.” he said, opening his jacket and pulling out some scissors. Jay looked between the two of us and tried to move into a corner. Ryan grabbed him by the hair and pulled him over. “Go ahead Jay, tell Bobby what you wanted. I’m sure he’d want to hear.”
Jay tried to break free, but he didn’t have the strength or leverage to break Ryan’s hold. Ryan was smiling at me like he’d just broken a wild horse. I swallowed and tried to control my emotions. Killing Ryan and Amir and Paige and...well...a great majority of the world wouldn’t solve as much as I’d like it to.
“Jay...Bobby deserves to know, doesn’t he?” Ryan prompted, shaking Jay’s head. Jay looked at me pleadingly.
“Leave him the fuck alone Ryan.” I snarled.
“Ooh, so Jay doesn’t have the pants in your relationship. So surprising.” he jeered. I restrained myself. Paige and Amir didn’t need to find Ryan with scissors stuck through his skull.
But maybe they did. Just wanted to fucking kill him and make Jay feel all better and have everything be back the way it used to be. But that was not to be. Ryan kicked Jay and Jay whimpered a bit, staring at me guiltily. “Tell him.”
“Just wanted a drink...” he whispered.
“Yeah, and what were you willing to do to get it?”
“....” Jay whispered something, his eyes trailing on the floor.
“Can’t you talk any louder?!”
“Please, just leave me alone!” he begged.
“Fine, does this sound familiar?” Ryan screwed his face up and started to whine. “Ryan, if I suck you off, can I get some booze? I’ll let you fuck me if you give me two cans!” He smiled condescendingly at Jay.
I stared at Ryan for a moment. Lava would have melted in my gaze. This was enough. If he said anything else, he was dead. “Leave him the fuck alone.”
“Bobby...come on, you know that I’m just joking.” he sneered. “But someday you’ll have to face the fact that Jay throws himself at anything with two legs.” Jay didn’t say anything, he just crumpled down into himself. "After all, he's with you isn't he?"
That was it. Ryan was dead.
All conscious thought left, the only thing that I wanted to do was rip his throat out with my teeth and stab his eyes out and cut his tongue off and... Well, what I ended up doing was slamming him to the floor and desperately punching at his face, trying to cause as much pain as possible. He fought back as much as he could, flailing around. I knew that he had never been one for anything physical, well, except for sex. But that didn’t develop the right muscles.
Crimson spurted, and it wasn’t from me. It wasn’t from the scissors, it wasn’t from my veins, it wasn’t from the sky, it wasn’t from my life, it was from Ryan’s nose, and his mouth. Sounds, the screams of agony and defeat, of birds falling to the ground after being shot, of Ryan sobbing and trying to push me off of him. I screamed my vengeance, calling him every fucking insult that I could think of, letting the blood cover my hands, letting his face turn to a gross parody of a car accident victim, letting him scream for help, having Paige and Amir pull me off of him and lock me in the closet, hearing Jay howl in rage and bang on the door to try and free me, then silence. Except for the sound of my crying, of Jay’s muttered apologies, of Ryan’s frantic curses downstairs. Then nothing but the sound of my own tears. Tears of ash and death, fire and ice, crumbling castles and ancient cities, long hidden fears and repressed memories, unhappy thoughts and the jangle of hangers rubbing against each other.
Hours could have passed, I didn’t know. But the hangers were metal, and the ends were so nice and sharp. I pulled one down and raked at my arms, trying to let out the rage that I felt at them flow out and spill onto the carpet, my pants. It felt so fucking good, it felt like releasing all of the frustration and then having myself explode into spires of delightful pleasure mixed with pain. At this point I didn’t care that it was cheating, all I wanted was some feeling that wasn’t rage, some emotion that I could control, some pain that wasn’t because of him, wasn’t because of Ryan and Amir and Paige and all the pain that built up into my veins and my blood and it spilled out and I felt so much better and all I needed was to see Jay again and everything would be fine and and and... All I could see was Ryan sneering, Jay crumbled, and me just standing there and watching, not doing anything that would change anything, just standing there and watching as Jay pulled Ryan’s pants open, as Ryan shoved Jay’s mouth onto his throbbing cock, and all I could do was watch as Ryan spasmed for what seemed like an eternity, then he came, holding Jay’s head in place. When Jay fell back, Ryan only smiled and shook his head, muttering something about how Jay wasn’t very good at giving head. That what he had done wasn’t worth any beer at all, not even rubbing alcohol. The look on Jay’s face. The fact that I was just sitting there and watching, not even intervening.I slammed my entire body against the door, trying hopelessly to break through the cheap plywood or oak or whatever the fuck it was. Became dizzy from blood loss and sat down. Leaned my head against the door and sighed. I wanted to be dead, I wanted it all to end right now. Felt so entirely powerless. Like nothing mattered at all. And I knew that it didn’t.
Paige unlocked the door, frowning at me like I had screamed a swear word during church. “Are you done acting like an asshole yet?”
I wanted to choke him too and push him down the stairs. But I had no energy. “Yes, I’m done.”
“Ryan said that you and Jay were coming on to him.” he said softly, opening the door more. My finger nails itched to rip his entire face off. But I couldn’t.
As the light spilled in, he saw the raised bumps that marked my insanity. I clutched my arms to my chest and shook my head furiously. “Don’t say anything. I know you don’t care. I know that whatever I say you won’t believe me.”
“But why were you attacking Ryan?”
Stared at him dully. “Because he was trying to get Jay to suck him off, he was trying to use his stash of beer to leverage for power.” I stood up shakily and stared at the mess I had made of myself. Arms scratched and broken, blood caked on and dried. I knew it wasn’t as much as it seemed, I knew that I was only going to seem sick for a while. Tried not to think about becoming anemic.
Paige watched me carefully. “I’m sorry you feel like this.”
I laughed bitterly. “You don’t care. Go off and fuck Ryan and Amir.” Stalked back to the room I shared with Jay.
When I opened the door all I heard was the steady stream of water from the bathroom. Didn’t think anything of it until I remembered what Paige had said about the last time that Jay had tried to get off of alcohol. Ran to the bathroom and threw open the door.
Jay was huddled in the bathtub, still fully clothed, his skin slowly turning bright red as the spray hit him head on. I turned it off and he looked at me finally, his eyes somewhat more focused, the sunglasses coated with water. Started to peel off his sopping wet clothes, trying to ignore how he cringed every time the fabric rubbed against his skin. I crawled into the bathtub with him and let the water surround us, trying to maintain an equilibrium. Finally we ended up naked and alone, surrounded by a cocoon of heat.