27. “Cloak”Smoke curled and swirled away with the wind. Leaves brushed against each other in the breeze, making an atmosphere that could have been relaxing except for the constant chatter of two squirrels engaged in a fight to the death, the cawing of some crows, and the scratching of a stick in the dirt. Colors were at once muted and vibrant. Green, orange, brown...white. Lingering crimson that stuck in eyelashes. A tree stump had been cracked in half by a recent storm and ants crawled over it, searching for succor.
Nicotine filled my veins, blood filled my empty stomach. Yesterday...I had laughed after he protested his innocence, sensing the total absurdity of it all. How could he have thought that I would have believed Ryan? I pitied him then. He used to be strong, he used to kick people’s asses, he used to be able to win arguments with Ryan. I wanted to pretend that it wasn’t from the drugs, that...Then I remembered that his fall had begun after Paige, mine had begun after Shane. And the re- building of strength couldn’t begin until after the foundations of that old personality were gone.
Took another drag, favoring my battered knuckles. Ryan’s face was too bony. There were bruises all along my fingers, settling in my hands. Maybe I had sprained something. But those thoughts weren’t important.
The figure leaning on me heavily was. Most of the smoke was coming from him. He had a hooded sweatshirt pulled up to shade his face and was wearing the darkest sunglasses we could find. His skin was a light pink, darker than normal and burned. He was holding a stick that he was using to scratch “I’m Sorry” over and over into the dry earth. Eventually it just became annoying and I took the stick away from him and shook my head. His eyes closed and he drifted.
The woods were quieter than the house. Ryan was still screaming and trying to put his face back together, not that I had torn it apart. We needed to escape. But the woods were far enough away from humanly concerns that it didn’t matter.
It was almost nightfall. We had stayed out here all day, not really doing anything, just avoiding everyone else. Words might have been important if we had had any to say. All he did was constantly light cigarettes and try to sleep. I smoked too, letting the clouds float to join with their sisters in the sky.He said nothing about my arms. I expected it. I thought that we were going to end up fighting with each other, dividing each other in half and destroying all that we wanted to keep. But he didn’t seem interested in anything but keeping his head on my shoulder and letting the pack of cigarettes run out.
We snuck back into the house after all the lights turned out and the screaming stopped. The kitchen was a mess of bloody paper towels and empty beer cans. Jay stared at them longingly, then took a quick glance at me. I met his gaze evenly. He closed his eyes and stood up straighter, moving a bit away from me, but still holding onto my hand with a few fingers.It was quiet, perhaps they had actually gone to sleep instead of shaking the entire house with their bellows. Sleep was calling, sleep was screaming for me to flirt with it and then descend into dreams. I started to walk towards the stairs, then saw the scissors sitting on top of a huge stack of paper doll books. A thin trail of blood inched its way down the spines and pooled down on the floor. Jay grabbed my arm and tugged gently. My eyes flicked off of the booklets and went back to the stairs. There was only one thing that I wanted to do, and it wasn’t cutting.
How odd that no matter how many times I told myself that it never was true.
“We have to talk.” Jay said softly, pulling up the sleeve on my sweatshirt and running his fingers over the raised lines. I sighed and nodded. They hadn’t bled much, mostly because the hanger wasn’t really all that sharp. My pants were still stained with something...maybe I had mistaken tears for blood. Somehow that didn’t surprise me too much. Before I knew it, he was licking at my wounds, rubbing his face against my arm and putting my fingers into his mouth. I pulled away gently and he laid down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “This isn’t working.”I flopped down beside him. “I know...” Rubbed at my eyes and then closed them. The ceilings here were nice and clean, flat white paint, nothing that I wanted to look at. All the bumps were gone, sanded away by contractors and sub-contractors and probably the home owners themselves... All in an attempt to pander to celebrities who wouldn’t give a fuck. Sighed.
Pressure on my stomach, about the size of Jay’s head. I opened my eyes and he turned his and smiled weakly up at me. “About earlier...” he began, trailing off as he realized that it sounded stupid. “I...I don’t know...” I sighed and put my hand on his head. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. “Just really wanted something to drink. Didn’t want to make you worry about me.” he whispered.
“So you went and tried to suck Ryan off to get some.” His fingers on my chest picked at my shirt. “Couldn’t you see that they were just trying to make us do that? I mean, Amir’s been obsessively cutting paper whenever I’m around. Ryan’s been drinking a hell of a lot more than he usually does.” I stopped and sighed. Something felt like it was crawling up my throat. “And it worked.”
The weight on my chest lifted, then I felt breath on my lips, opened my eyes and stared right into his. “You stopped me.” he said. Lips met mine, I moaned in spite of myself, let his tongue enter my mouth and we stayed like that for a while, exploring parts that we already were familiar with. The vodka taste was almost completely gone, it was just Jay...and indescribable. He pulled back, smiling a bit.
“But...I still hurt myself.” I said, putting my arms around his back, trying to pretend that they didn’t itch like fuck.
“That was because we weren’t together. I think it’s easier when you have someone to go through it with.” His teeth traced along my neck, nipping at my pulse. I let him continue, pretending that my cock wasn’t getting hard already and that it hadn’t been what seemed like ages since our last fuck.
“So...if they aren’t too mad at us, you really want to stay?” I asked, gasping as he started to pull up my shirt. His hands were so fucking cold.
“We have to finish the album, no matter what those fuckers do.” he hissed, his tongue trailing all over the scars on my stomach. I gave up trying to stop myself and seized him bodily, not stopping until we were both naked and he was in me and total bliss erased every scar on my body, every imperfection on his...it wasn’t fair how his scars just blended into a beautiful tapestry on his flesh and mine stuck out like pink blisters. I wished that this could last forever, because tomorrow was certainly going to be uncomfortable, what with Ryan’s smashed face and... Thought was impossible, and I didn’t want to ruin this by thinking about what everyone else could do to us. Put my hand in my mouth to muffle the scream as I came.
Breakfast. We snuck down the stairs at a far earlier hour than anyone else would have gotten up, only to find Paige and Amir sitting at the table and Ryan sulking and sitting on the counter. He turned and looked at me, one of his eyes disappearing into a brown bruise, his cheek swelling up until he looked like a chipmunk. I suppressed a laugh. He looked so pitiful.Paige exchanged a glance with Amir and then coughed. “Boy, we sure had a lot to drink last night.”
Jay picked up on it immediately. “Yeah...I can’t really remember anything at all.” he said, elbowing me gently. I looked at him slowly. He just wanted to let it slide? I mean, yes, it would make things easier in the end, but Ryan was likely to try and exact some revenge. Amir had nothing to apologize for, but he was still cutting paper dolls out, this time Abraham Lincoln and his family were making a little paper pile on the table. My arms were itching like crazy and all it would take was a small slice to make it better. Closed my eyes and inhaled and exhaled slowly. I had just cut last night, though it was under duress and probably not as good as I thought it would be, but it still counted.
They were all staring at me, awaiting my reaction.
“Yeah...we must have done some crazy shit.” I muttered, stumbling as Paige slapped me on the back and grinned and Ryan snorted and Jay sighed in relief. But the only sound I could really still hear was the scissors constantly going snip snip snip.