21. “Doubt”Woke up the next morning to the sound of a muted television. Light spilled in through half-opened blinds and over my flesh. I pulled a pillow over my head, then discovered that I was the only one in bed. Groaned as I realized I’d have to actually get up to find out where they were. Moved over a bit, felt that the sheets were still warm. They hadn’t been gone long then. My bandages clung to the sheets, pulling on my stomach, it hurt like fuck but I had to move or I’d be stuck there forever. I’d have to get Jay to help me change them later...if he was even still around. Someplace deep inside of me was a doubt that he would want to stay around if there were children around. But his clothes were still lying neatly folded on a chair. I rolled over and sighed, rubbing at my eyes to try and wake up. I needed to trust him more. What Paige had said wasn’t true. Or at least there was truth in it, but Jay had changed. I had to believe that or all would be lost.
Jay was sprawled out on the couch and smoking, Gavin was sitting next to him and sucking his thumb while holding the bear that we’d got him. Sesame Street blared on the TV. Jay’s eyes were somewhat glazed over and he smiled weakly when I came into the room. Gavin’s eyes were glued to the TV, staring at one of the various walking carpet creatures that passed for monsters. It was busy extolling the virtues of the letter “M” in an annoying voice.
“What are you doing?” I asked. Gavin glanced up at me briefly and smiled around his thumb. Jay leaned back further in the chair, the spaced out smile still on his face. I started to wonder if he had taken something.
“I’m supposed to tell him when the ugly red one comes on so he can cover his eyes.” he said, then closed his eyes and sighed. Maybe he just hadn’t got enough sleep last night.
“It’s Elmo!” Gavin said, poking Jay in the side and giggling. Jay laughed a little and pulled away, it was his bad side after all.
“Fine, Elmo, whatever.” I shrugged and went into the kitchen.
The vodka sat next to the scissors on top of the refrigerator. I took it down, feeling how heavy it felt. For a moment I had the heart-wrenching thought that perhaps he had just opened it, drank it, and then refilled it with water. It was something that I would do. But upon examining the seal on the cap, it was still whole. I hugged it to my chest and sighed. Paranoia...yet another sign that I was slowly going insane. I breathed deeply, trying to calm myself down.Arms surrounded me, lips touched the back of my neck. He licked gently at my spine, then rested his head on my shoulder. I smiled and closed my eyes. His hand came into contact with the bottle and he pulled back a bit, licking my ear. “It’s a little early to drink, isn’t it?” he whispered.
“I...I was just checking.” I said. Oh gods, I should never have said that. Now he’ll think that I don’t trust him. He said nothing and just took the bottle away from me and put it back on top of the refrigerator. “I’m sorry, I trust you...I...” He turned around and smiled, pulling himself up to sit on the counter.
“Hey, it’s fine...I know I was acting weird.” One of his fingers found its way into his mouth and he chewed on the end thoughtfully. “Guess I was just trying to keep things happy.”
“You don’t have to do that. Just act naturally. It’s gonna get a little bit hard to continually be happy if Gavin’s going to be visiting for a week.” I said, moving closer to him. He smiled and turned his head so that he was looking at me flirtatiously.
“So you want me to act depressed then?” He said, pushing out his bottom lip. I shook my head. Sometimes he was just as annoying as hell and others as cute as Gavin.
“No...” I settled in between his spread legs and put my face close to his, staring straight into his eyes. He smiled and leaned forward so that his lips were almost touching mine. I inched myself forward and brushed his lips.
“Always the tease, aren’t you?” he whispered, closing his legs around me.
“I thought you liked that.” Turned my head and then kissed him, letting my tongue trace along his blissfully makeup free lips, moaning as they parted and I touched his teeth. The kiss deepened and my hands went almost naturally to his chest, peeling up his tank top...For some reason he thought his chest was something that he had to keep perpetually covered. Even before it was a maze of fading scars. Pushed him further against the cupboards, he braced himself on the counter top and started moaning himself. Almost lost myself in the feeling of him...
“AHH!” Gavin screamed. “It’s ELMO!” Instantly my flesh left Jay’s and he whined a bit before straightening himself up.
I went into the living room and turned off the television. “There, Elmo’s gone.” He was curled up into the couch and holding the bear in front of him to protect himself. I knelt in front of him and forced him to look at me. “He’s gone, okay? I don’t think you should watch that show if it’s going to scare you like this.” I said. He nodded for a moment, his bottom lip trembling.
“I can watch it...”
“Why don’t we get breakfast, okay? Then we can talk about it...” I said, taking his hand and leading him to the kitchen. Jay was still staring at me with thinly veiled lust, but as he saw Gavin he toned it down somewhat. Didn’t need Shane to have any reports of Jay and I fucking on the kitchen floor in front of Gavin.
Later, dinner, some random associations of meat and vegetables. I couldn’t even really taste any of it, I was so busy picking at my arm. The bandages were peeling at the edges and annoying me to no end. Jay sat across the table and sighed, picking at his food and watching me surreptitiously. I didn’t know why, it wasn’t like I was acting all crazy again. Well...I had doubted him about the vodka. Sighed.Gavin touched my left arm and his slimy fingers went right over the scar. “What did you do Daddy?” I pulled away gently and covered my arm.
“There was an accident...I cut myself.” I whispered. “But it’s okay now.” Something was filling the back of my throat. Jay gave me a concerned look and then nodded towards the living room. I took his hint and ran out to the couch, taking brief refuge in the fabric.
What had I become? I used to be strong, I used to be able to do things on my own without depending on other people, I used to be sane. Now all I could see and feel was my own insanity in little slices across my stomach and spilling over my arm. Tears exploded from my eyes. Please, I just had to be strong for one week...everything would be perfect and Gavin could stay with us forever. Hell, I could deal with only seeing him on the weekends, it was just the thought that I’d never see him again that was killing me. Urge was to go to the scissors and slit it all away.
But I couldn’t.
So I settled for going to the bathroom and wiping away all the traces of my crying spell and applying some makeup to hide the redness that lingered. Few deep breaths, it wasn’t that hard, Gavin hadn’t thrown any temper tantrums or acted like a little hellion. This was easy, this was so easy. Had to keep on thinking that or I would be lost.
My head slammed against the mirror. I couldn’t do this, it had been too long since I’d cut, since I’d seen him. Tears started to coat my hands again, I wiped desperately to clear my eyes. This wasn’t going to work. Finally sank down against the bathtub and surrendered to the demon inside. I cried so long that I thought my eyes would burn away.
When I had recovered enough to see people again, I left the safety of the bathroom and lingered in the entrance to the kitchen. Stared in. Jay was cutting up Gavin’s food for him. He glanced up at me worriedly and then smiled reassuringly. I smiled back.
At least I had Jay.