22. “Regression”“What’s wrong?” Jay asked later, after we had gone to bed. Gavin said that he would be alright on the couch as long as his teddy bear was with him. Since I really didn’t care and it would keep him out of the bedroom, I had no objections.
I laid down facing away from him and smoothed down the frayed edges of the tape. Jay had redone it all for me without complaining. Perhaps just as a repayment for when I.... Gods, why couldn’t I just trust him?! Clenched my eyes closed and pulled the covers up as high as I could. I had to reason this out to myself or else I would go insane. Part of this was just that when I thought things were going great with Shane, she decided to leave. And...I had seen how Jay treated his other significant others, if they could even be called that. No, actually, I hadn’t seen, I was only assuming based on what Paige had said and Jay had admitted. It sounded like he’d just bring people home, have them fuck him, and then want something more afterwards. Yet he had stayed with me. Perhaps because I hadn’t just jumped into bed with him, perhaps because I had made some attempts to take care of him and get to know him. And I had stayed when the others had gone.
He left me alone for a while, he just laid and stared at the ceiling. The water had begun to leave in places, I hoped that soon it would all be gone. Having the odd sensation that four floors worth of people and their furniture was going to collapse on me was also making me a bit more paranoid than usual.
The tension left my eyes after ten minutes or so and I relaxed, letting my grip on the blankets slacken. Felt something warm touching my back, then realized that Jay was curling himself up against me. I sighed. His hand went over the planes of my stomach, stopping as it reached the bandage. I rolled over onto my back to look at him. “I really want to know...something is bothering you.” he whispered, leaning his head into the pillows.
“I...I don’t know. It’s just...my mind is all fragmented right now. It feels like I’m going to explode. All I can see is betrayal and loss.” I whispered, wiping my eyes again. When I opened them, all I could see was his pained eyes. That was enough to push me over the edge again. I started crying. I was hurting him, I was hurting myself, and I shouldn’t be. I should be happy. Gavin was back, I had someone who loved me and...fuck, I knew he wouldn’t leave. Why was I still so sad? Was I just completely detached from reality? Could I no longer appreci...
Jay pulled me into a hug, letting me cry out all my frustrations onto his scarred and battered body. “Shh...” he soothed. “I’m here, and I’m not going to leave.” His skin was so soft and he smelled of soap and it felt so safe to be enfolded in his arms. I sobbed as long as I could, trying to maintain that same safety. Felt something trickle down my shoulder, oh shit, he was crying too. “I love you Bobby.” he whispered. Those words coming from his mouth...I didn’t think that he’d ever said it to me before. Didn’t know if he’d ever said it to anyone. “Whatever’s wrong, I’ll change it.” All it did was make me cry harder, clutch onto him as tightly as I could, trying to anchor myself.
“I love you so much...” I blubbered, rubbing my face against his shoulder. He gently eased me down to lay on the bed. Time seemed to stop. “You don’t have to change anything, it’s me.” Finally able to pull away a bit and look at him through hazy eyes. His eyes were red again and his nose was a bit wet. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me...but it’s nothing that you did.”
“I just don’t want you to hurt without telling me.” he whispered hoarsely. I nodded, smiling weakly.
“I don’t want you to worry about me though.” Wiped the tear trails from his eyes. He sighed and did the same for me. I felt his fingers slipping over my cheeks, taking away the salt.
Burrowed my head into his chest and let myself drift.
Jay took Gavin out to do something the next day, leaving me at home alone. I was still feeling sick from the night before, crying always took a lot out of me because I seldom did it. Well, seldom did it until Shane left and my world crumbled. I sat up in bed and tried to control the thoughts that were threatening to consume me, the thoughts that Jay was just staying with me until he could figure out a way to seduce Paige, that Shane would take Gavin and move so far away that I’d never see him again. Breathed in and out, harsh breaths that rasped through my lungs and spewed from my mouth in vain gasps for release. The general discomfort and unease built up until I knew that there was only one release. My mind conveniently glossed over the fact that the last time I’d been like this I’d ended up in the hospital with Jay crying over me and worried sick. And that I was still recovering from it. Later I wondered why it hadn’t made me forget the other things instead. Was my mind working against me too?Legs felt leaden as I got up and shuffled towards the kitchen. Frantic thoughts were rationalizing all of this. Jay had had a lapse, why couldn’t I? Frantically scratched at the spot where my old line had been. I couldn’t cut there, it was too obvious. My hand crept up towards my bicep, there. The skin was taut and just aching to be split. It had to be there and...
Dust covered the top of the refrigerator. I cursed Jay for his height, he could push things further back. Finally resorted to getting a chair and teetering on it until I could reach far enough back to catch my fingers on the handles. Scooted it forward, coughing as the dust flew into my face. Had it really been that long? Or maybe metal attracted more dust than... The vodka bottle hadn’t been dusty yesterday. Horrid thoughts, awful thoughts, no, please don’t tell me that Jay had broken down too! Yet when I took it down, it was clean. We had put these up there at the same time, it should have at least have some dust on it. I checked the sell by date. Different.
All I could think of was that I had been so right about him, I should have just went with my feelings and... The scissors were still in my hand. I had a decision to make. I could either be more strong than him and confront him about it, or cut myself.
The scissors won.
Afterwards I looked at the mess I had made of my arm. Three cuts. It was odd, the ones on my forearm stayed mostly the same size after I cut. These, well, these spread out more and grew larger. The blood wasn’t as dark. Some part of me was sad about that. I lapped it up despondently. I felt somewhat better, but there were still the demons in my stomach that threatened to consume me. Now all I had to worry about was covering them up. Cursed Jay for having an addiction that was relatively easy to conceal if one didn’t breath around people or get drunk. I pulled my T-shirt sleeve down over it. Knew that he would find out later. That had to be postponed as long as possible.I managed to hide it from him for most of the day, keeping my sleeve over them and hanging out more with Gavin. Jay took a nap and generally kept to himself. I tried to examine him and see if he was drunk, but all I got from him was weird looks and normalcy. Maybe I was wrong? Oh gods no, then that would mean that I...
I was getting out of the shower when he noticed. He grabbed my arm and turned it so that he could see the cuts. His finger ran across them, feeling their newness and the ridges that arose. His eyes moved up to meet mine and it seemed like the world shattered. I...I had hurt him again. Luckily Gavin was elsewhere. Shuddered to think what he would have done.Jay merely stared at me, shaking slightly as he slowly closed his eyes and leaned against the sink. His head went into his hands and I watched as he broke down. Heart exploded and everything went into a chilly decline.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered.