20. “Reunion”The leg of a mangled Barbie doll stuck out over the edge of a garbage can. I ran over and pulled it out, marveling at the way her nude body was sprawled in a split that would have broken her hips and probably fucked her up for the rest of her pathetic and shallow life. Well, perhaps not. She bore the markings of an obscure tattoo artist, maybe someone who felt that a magic marker would work just as well as a needle. Small little suns caressed her smooth breasts, her hair was spiked, cut, and dyed every color from the rainbow that Crayola sanctioned. I stared at her for a moment.
“Come on, I think we can spring for a toy that hasn’t been used by someone else, can’t we?” Jay asked, taking it from me gently and moving me away from the side of the sidewalk nearest the trash cans.
“Yes, I know we can, but...” Stared back at her legs still sticking up out of the can. A friend separated from all the others, a used up worthless has been that had been replaced by someone flashier, who perhaps could say a few words and move her hand convincingly. “It just seems so sad.”
He took my hand and pulled me along for a bit. “I know, but try not to think about it.”
We walked to the nearest toy store, one store out of a huge chain of stores that spanned across the globe and thus had just about every piece of cheaply made plastic that had ever been conceived. So of course there were more children than should ever be together at one time running around pretending to torture themselves. The screams could be heard even outside the automatic sliding doors.“We don’t have to stay in there long, right?” Jay asked, looking worried. I had forgotten how obnoxious toy stores were, the Barbie in the trash can had brought to mind stolen snatches of childhood. Not because I ever played with Barbies, mind you.
“No. We just need to find him a stuffed animal or something like that. It shouldn’t take that long.” We had to get back in time for Gavin’s arrival after all. Even if it would be very late at night.
The shelves were taller than Jay and stuffed things stuck their paws out, begging to be taken home to children who, in all likelihood, would take one look at them and then throw them on the floor. I couldn’t pretend that Gavin would like anything I gave him, or even like me. Jay looked overwhelmed. Not having any children, or at least children that he knew about, all this was like an alien world, a whole section of the human population that had nothing to do with his life. Now he was thrust into it unexpectedly.
“What would he like anyway?” he asked, trying to cover up his discomfort. He had crossed his arms and was sort of leaning against a display of stuffed animals who could perform little inane tricks like reading bedtime stories in an ominous robotic voice or were full of mechanical plastic parts that clanked together and not suitable for hugging.
“Hold still, I’m going to kiss you!” a sort of doped up voice said. Jay immediately sprang away and looked for the source. There was no one else in the aisle, but that didn’t mean that someone wasn’t watching. I walked over towards the display and tracked the voice down to a little dog who held his arms out and bore the marks of being a commercialized children’s book come to life. I pulled it out and pressed his stomach. “Hello you.” he slurred.
“What’s that? Marijuana Mutt?” Jay demanded, coming closer once he knew that it wasn’t some fan.
“No, it’s some dog from a book.” I felt the fake fur, marveling at how it sort of felt like a child’s impression of realism. Then I put it back. It was somewhat cute, in that lop-sided way so common to children’s toys, but I could just imagine how Gavin would drive us crazy hugging it obsessively just to hear the three trite phrases that had been chosen to be immortalized in its voice-box.
It seemed like all manner of creature wanted to be taken home. Crocodiles, frogs, horses, dogs, cats, monkeys, and even fish all clamored for attention. And I could have, I suppose, just bought them all. Well...maybe Jay could have bought them all. He rooted around in a bin full of various brown fur encased stuffing. I had no idea what he was looking for. Finally he came out with a teddy bear. “Is this good enough?” he asked, handing it to me, then trying to straighten his hair.
It was odd looking, there was no pretension of happiness on its sewn face, just a mindless blank stare that could have been hostile. Four feet dangled off of its unhappy body, the pads covered with a sort of cheap fake leather. The fur was soft enough and the eyes sewn tightly on, so I figured that it would be okay for Gavin. “Yeah, it’s fine.”
Later that night, after Shane’s wedding and the reception were long over, Jay and I were waiting out in the parking lot of my apartment building. Shane and Terrence, or maybe just one of the people from the wedding party were supposed to drop Gavin off for the week. Jay had taken great pains to make me look like I had before the divorce, figuring that perhaps Gavin hadn’t recognized me because I was in full junkie mode.Smoke swirled up into the stratosphere, mingling with the dim stars that were obscured by the light of the parking lot lamps. The harsh buzzing of fluorescent bulbs was the only sound, except for the occasional passing car that roared by. They never seemed to stop. Jay kept on periodically glancing at his watch and sighing. I sat down on the curb taking yet another deep drag on an ever dwindling cigarette. The ash was making a small pile between my feet. Jay leaned against a lamppost and pulled out the last cigarette from what had once been a full pack. “These things do take a long time.” he muttered, lighting it with shaking hands. I noted how as time passed his eyes kept on being drawn to me, as if he thought that I would try to kill myself if Gavin didn’t show.
“I know. But still...they did say nine, and it’s almost eleven.”
“Maybe they got caught up in the moment. It is their wedding.” Winced at the word. I remembered my own wedding...not something I ever wanted to think about again.
Then a car drove up and actually looked like it was slowing down. A very inebriated man opened the car window and then pointed to the back seat. “He’s in there. Sleeping like a baby.” I opened the back door quietly and saw Gavin curled up in a little car seat. I unbuckled him and picked him up slowly, trying to avoid jarring the stitches. Jay came up behind me and shut the car door. The man drove away, leaving us there with two piles of ashes and a sleeping child.
I laid him down on his new “bed”. It was just the newer couch that I had found the rattle in covered with an old sheet. He stirred a bit in his sleep, his eyes opening briefly. It was odd how he could sleep through anything. I didn’t remember him possessing that quality before. Jay stood somewhat behind me at the other side of the room. Heard him move into the bedroom, leaving me alone with my son.
I watched Gavin sleep, thinking that this was all that I had been waiting for, and yet I had no idea what to do. “Gavin?” I whispered. He moved a bit, I could see his pupils. Stared at him as he considered me for a moment. His eyes slid closed and he dozed off again. It was pointless to expect anything, I suppose.
Jay was already in bed when I got to the bedroom. “Did he say anything?” he asked. I crawled in beside him, letting him hold me for a moment.“No...he just looked at me. I don’t know if he was even awake really.”
He sighed and kissed my forehead. “He’ll know who you are.” he whispered. I must have fallen asleep after that.
“Bobby.” whispered against my ear. I rolled over and tried to pull the pillow over my head. “Bobby...Gavin’s crying.” Instantly my eyes snapped open and I was running to the living room.He was sitting up and sobbing quietly. “Where am I?” he asked me as I came closer. “Who...” He stared at me for a moment, intently examining every change to my facial features and hair, perhaps comparing them to every other person he’d ever seen in his life. “Daddy?” he finished.
Fuck. Tears spilled down my cheeks and I hugged him. “Gavin.” I squeaked, trying to control the emotions that wanted to consume me. He pushed back a bit, looking at me warily. “You’re gonna stay with me and Jay for a while while your Mommy and um..her friend go on a trip.” I explained, hoping some of it would get through to him. My nose had started to run again, shit shit shit. I hadn’t known how beautiful Daddy would sound to my ears.
“This room is scary though. Can I sleep with you tonight? That’s what Mommy and Terrence let me do when it’s all thundery outside.” he asked, making big saucer eyes. His little body was all tense. How the hell could I refuse?
I picked him up and took him to the bedroom. Jay moved over without asking any questions, settling back down to try and sleep. I put Gavin between us and he instantly relaxed. I slid in and pulled the sheets and blanket up over us and he snuggled down into the bed. Soon after he was asleep.
Jay was staring at him like he was an alien. I smiled indulgently. “He’s just a little kid. They’re not that scary.” I whispered. He smiled weakly and closed his eyes.
“As long as you have to change his diapers, I’m fine.” he whispered. Then sleep draped over all.