18. “Relief”They let me out of the hospital the next day, after checking more often than necessary to see if I had picked up anything from the transfusion. I was sort of ambivalent about it, would I really care if I contracted syphilis? Hepatitis B? Not at this point...even with Jay. Because being sick would at least give a name to this betrayal inside me, this constant feeling of unease and disaster. It seemed as if nothing could stop the constant thoughts of desire for that dark shadow that peered over my shoulder. Not even Jay.
He was busy kissing my neck, trying to reassure himself that I really was alive and that I wasn’t going to leave him. I didn’t mind his constant hovering, I understood how he felt. In fact, I longed to just let go and do something with him, but any time that I moved, the stitches in my stomach would tug tighter and warn me that to move any further would be risking another hospital stay. The feeling of his lips on my neck and running up towards my own was an almost unimaginable bliss. He stopped and laid his head on my shoulder, sighing to himself.
We sat there for a while, not saying anything. He closed his eyes and leaned so that more of his weight was supported on the couch instead of my shoulder. I tried to shift so that my stomach wasn’t being squished. Sleep wanted to wrap itself around me and I wanted to die in its embrace. But I couldn’t while Jay was here...he was taking up most of the couch. Wanted to lie down and let blankets and warmth surround me.
“Jay?” He moved a bit and his eyes opened slightly.
“Yeah?”
“Are we really gonna get Gavin back?” softly, again so that if he didn’t say anything I could pretend that I was just yawning or something.
Lips against my forehead, then he was bending to help me up. “Don’t worry about that right now.” I leaned into him heavily, aware that it was his bad side and that he probably didn’t feel any better than I did. We hobbled to the bedroom like two world weary travelers.
Woke up all jumbled together with Jay, our legs entwined, ours mouths almost touching. It was still cold somehow, even with all the body heat. Nuzzled further into his chest, relishing the way that he tightened his grip around me almost unconsciously. Stomach ached, but I figured that that wasn’t going to change anytime soon. The painkillers were lying in wait on the sink, right next to the remainder of Jay’s. My fingers gently traced his bandage, hoping that they wouldn’t come away sticky. I could feel that some of his skin had turned a sort of plastic like texture from prolonged exposure to the horrible adhesive tape that had to attach the gauze to his back. Almost thought that he would start scratching at that now.He cringed suddenly and moved slightly, letting out a low whine. I kissed at his collar bone, watching his face intently. Felt him sliding down in the bed until our faces were level, then he pushed his forehead against mine. I savored it, it seemed like we had connected in some way.
Of course, he chose that moment to wake up and immediately loosened his grip. Eyes blinked awake slowly, I saw small reflections of me in his pupils. Wanted to pretend that I knew that I looked like shit.
“Bobby.” My name sounded alien. It seemed like it had been forever since it had ever resounded on my eardrums. But I knew I had heard it yesterday. Heard it far too often in fact. He smiled to himself and slowly extricated his legs from mine, then just laid there on his side, staring at me. He winced and his hand went to his side. “It’s painkiller time.” I tried to sit up, but the agony was starting to come back in waves of ice that bathed my flesh in liquid chill. “I’ll bring them in for you, okay?” Closed my eyes and tried to pretend that I was still whole. But every labored breath told me that I was not.
The walls seemed to be closing in, so I went down to get the mail. There were the pre-requisite bills and credit card offers, never mind that all the cards had transferred to Shane. A catalog for flower seeds, even though all that surrounded the building was asphalt. And, finally, an envelope addressed to Jay with embossed letters on the back with initials that I did not recognize. I wondered who knew that Jay was living with me.He took it from me slowly, eyeing the seal suspiciously. It didn’t seem like there was anything inside except for paper, so he opened it. A card fell out on the floor, a card with lots of white flowers and suppressed gold and...there was thin and expensive paper inside. Jay instantly snatched it up from the ground and read it quickly, then stuffed it in the envelope and stuck it in his pocket.
“Who was that from?” I can truly say that at that point I didn’t know.
“If I tell you, you’ll just get upset.” At least he didn’t lie.
“Can I read it then?” He stared at me coolly and said nothing. “Please?”
“I don’t want you to flip out again.”
“It’s from Shane, isn’t it?” No response, he turned and started to walk towards the kitchen. I ran up behind him and grabbed the card. He tried weakly to get it back, but he realized that it was probably best to let me satisfy my curiosity.
The card was a wedding announcement....for Shane Hewitt and some other name that I didn’t recognize. Someone had rather inelegantly written Jay’s name and mentioned that he could bring a guest if he so desired. Oddly enough, I didn’t really care that she was getting married again. I had already accepted that she was lost to me, Jay had long since replaced her in my list of priorities. I put the card back in the envelope and sighed. Jay shook his head sadly and took it away. “We could still go and fuck it up, if you wanted to.” he offered lamely. I shook my head.
“That wouldn’t change anything. You’re not going to go, are you?”
He made no pretension of considering it. “No.” A quick glance out the window. “It isn’t like she’d really care if I came or not.”
Before I really could take any control of myself, I was hugging him tighter than was recommended. He didn’t complain.
Jay fixed my hair silently, trying to make me look presentable. I was wearing a suit that I really hadn’t worn more than maybe once or twice since I had bought it. It was odd to discover that I didn’t remember how to tie a tie anymore...well, perhaps not that odd. It wasn’t like I had ever gone out much in formal wear. But for this, a meeting with Shane’s lawyers, I had to look somewhat nicer than usual.Last time I had gone for the junkie look, and it had not helped my case. Perhaps at that point I wasn’t thinking clearly. But short sleeves didn’t help, because right before I went in, I had cut. And I cut deeply. They were still bleeding while they decided things about my future, Gavin’s future, Shane’s future. I think at one point I tried to say something, but they just looked at me, then at my arm, and sighed condescendingly, using large legal terms that I probably would have understood if it hadn’t been my divorce being talked about.
“There.” he said. I turned to the mirror. I knew that I was looking at myself, but it seemed like some other me that had been gone for a long time and had only now decided to return for a brief outing into the real world. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had cared enough to spike my hair. Most of the time I just went around as the crazy drug fiend who’ll lend you money. I had heard one of my neighbor’s children calling me that. Again, it was not something that I minded.
Jay looked the way he usually did...somewhat put together and calm. Underneath that was a foreshadowing of either a mental breakdown or homicidal rampage. But a cover up job with makeup concealed all that. I was glad that he was going with me. It only made sense, because if Gavin was going to be visiting for weekends or whatever Jay would be there too. At least, that’s what I hoped. “Are you sure you want to go with me?”
He said nothing for a few minutes and started to look uncomfortable. “I don’t know...but it seems like it would be wrong if I didn’t.”