17. “Ache”Words seemed to become creatures in their own right, crawling over my skin and decorating it with their serrated teeth and stabbing claws. I could feel them worm their way into my wounds and come out through my mouth, I could feel them pressing down on me. And I could do nothing to stop them. Everything that Shane had ever said to me, every lie, every truth, every forgotten compliment or insult, they all came back to rip at my soul. I thought I was over this, I had been over this. After the divorce I had locked myself in my apartment for days, just existing, not even really eating or sleeping. All that existed was memories. Now it seemed that they just wanted to corrupt me again...my mind was full of Gavin. I wanted to see him again, I wanted to hear him call me SOMETHING, even if it was just “that man hiding behind Jay” or “the creepy guy who follows me”. But the words would not listen.
The smell hit me first. That smell of sickness, a sort of lingering scent of unwashed skin that cannot be wiped away with water and soap. Blood...a metallic odor that lingered even under the gallons of anti-septic and floor cleaner. A fragrance stronger than any man-made perfume, stronger than any flower, it drifted over all and saturated...death given flight.
Touch. I could barely breathe, something was tightly wound around my abdomen. My right arm felt like it had been amputated and then sewn back on badly, all that radiated from it was a barely felt pain. But a pain that could wake at any moment. Something cold touching my flesh, metal? My stomach was knotted together, I could feel the stitches as I breathed in and out. What had I done to myself?
Taste. Plastic, something stuck in my mouth...or had it always been there? Maybe it was gone, I could just taste that roundness, know that there are bite marks that I cannot erase. Had I gnawed on it in my pain? Lingering sensation of stomach acids burning my throat. Tell me that I had not gone insane in my brief spurt with unconsciousness...tell me that I could still act like I was alive. But I knew I couldn’t, not when I was like this, not when I had just ripped myself to shreds, not when Gavin was missing.
Hearing. My ears only caught silent noises, like my breath, the breath of another, the squeak of orthopedic shoes as they sigh down the hallway. Fingers clenched almost silently in sheets made of some extremely thin material. Could almost hear their greenness.
Sight. Eyes opened slowly, almost whimpering at the loss of their cocoon of calm. But the room was dark. Lights from cars flashed by. The shades were open, the window open a crack. The breeze made them whisper back and forth, back and forth across the dead air. For the first time I was aware that I am not entirely alone. There was a figure sprawled out in a chair across the room, a figure who looked much too large for any ghost, a figure who would probably hold me if he could. Jay.
A nurse came in a few minutes later, smiling almost in surprise as she realized that I was awake. She looked to have been here since the hospital had opened. Still she insisted on wearing a sort of short skirt. Varicose veins jutted out in spires of green and blue. Wrinkles caked over with ill-applied foundation. “Mr. Hewitt? Bobby?” she asked softly, casting a quick glance at Jay. “Don’t try to move yet. You’ve had a rough day. That was some kitchen accident.”
Kitchen accident? I thought I... Jay must have covered for me. Closed my eyes to thank him mentally. “What happened?”
“Well, your boyfriend?” she asked, I nodded. “He found you after the blender exploded...and I guess you went into shock. Had to bring you here in an ambulance and give you a blood transfusion.” She puttered around with the blankets at the foot of the bed. “He wouldn’t leave. We had to give him some sedatives to calm him down. Even then he still was pretty violent.” A moment’s pause and she walked closer to Jay, checking to see if he was asleep. Then she hurried over to the bed. “That wasn’t any kitchen accident, was it? He did that to you! You should press charges.”
No...I knew it would come to this. “No. He was telling the truth. The blender did explode.” I coughed out. She looked somewhat disappointed.
“Really?” I nodded. Please let her buy it. I didn’t need the police getting involved. “All right then. But if you have anything to tell me, don’t hesitate to.” Her shoes squeaked on the floor and she left. The remaining perfume of old lady sweat and Taboo drifted back.
I had forgotten how much of an effort it was to stay awake and forgotten why I ever had felt the need to wake up.
“You’re all I have left, please, just take that for what it is.” Whispers against my ear, arm tenderly rubbing against my own. “I know I’m not perfect...” Silence for a moment, he had buried his head in his arms.“Jay...shhh. It wasn’t because of you.” Moved my hand slowly upwards, wondering why there was a huge bandage on my left arm, I hadn’t done anything there...then I remembered. Blood transfusion. “I...I just went crazy for a while. I miss Gavin so much.”
“I know you do.” His hands cupped mine, he kissed it gently. “We’ll get him back somehow.” The lights were so dim, I could barely see beyond a vague blur that I assumed was him.
“Jay?” The name seemed harsh in the room. I wondered how much Jay had had to plead to get me privacy.
“Yes?” More compassion than I had ever heard cross his lips were contained in that one word. It was still unfathomable that he could care that much about me.
“Why did you lie for me?”
He shut his eyes and hid his face again. Muffled response, “I don’t want them to take you away. I’d die if they did that.”
“What?” No response. I struggled to sit up more so that I could see him more clearly. Stitches grated on my bones, I winced. He instantly sat up and eased me back down.
“Don’t move so much.” I stared at him intensely, trying to get him to talk to me. He reddened and laid his head down next to mine, his mouth at the same level as my ear. “You’re all that I have to live for right now. Orgy’s probably dead, my best friend hates me...it’s only us.” Inched his way back to the chair. “I’d better go before they pump me full of any more drugs.” He came back over and kissed me on the forehead. “Please, don’t leave me.” he whispered before he left.
It started raining later. I heard it batter the window, inching its way in through the opening, crawling in under the weather-stripping... I watched it, watched as the drops tried to fly but failed. If only the wind had been stronger under their wet wings.A knock on the door. I turned, Jay would have just come in...well, maybe he would have said something. A wet figure stood there, he wasn’t as tall as Jay, his hair was lighter... Ryan.
“I heard about your accident.” he said, coming into the room slowly. “Jay called me. I just...” he stopped for a moment and sighed. “I just wanted to stop by and see if you were okay.”
“Ryan...” I croaked. “You didn’t have to.”
He sighed and shook his head. “I know Bobby. I really didn’t want to. You and Jay have really screwed things up for us.” A pause as he stood by the window and shut it. There was a small puddle on the linoleum. “But I had to know if you were going to be okay. I owe you that much.”
“I’m sorry.” I whispered. He acted like he hadn’t heard it.
“Jay said it doesn’t matter about Orgy anymore, we can all go our separate ways. I’m not sure if I want that. But I don’t really know what I want anymore anyway.” He sat down in the same chair Jay had spent the night in.
I tried to move up so that I could look at him without hurting my neck. Felt the stitches tug, oh fuck. He smiled and shook his head. “Why’d you do it anyway? Jay mumbled something about a rattle.”
“Gavin.” He sighed.
“Bobby...” trailed off as he realized it was no use. “Just hang in there, okay? I’ll see you around.” A small touch on my foot and he was gone.