16. “Unplanned”Instant mental reply was no you sick bastard, but it was Paige... Jay hid behind the door and gestured that I should continue talking to him. “Well Paige, I would...but I heard what you told Ryan and Amir.”
Paige broke out in a sweat, I hoped it was cold. “I thought you were asleep when I said that...” he whispered to himself. Then he looked up at me, “That was just instinct. I didn’t really mean it! Where’s Jay?” As if Jay’s response would be any different.
Jay was looking like an abandoned puppy behind the door. I snuck a quick glance at him and he sighed, covering his face with a hand. “Why would he let you in? He heard how you really feel about him.” Crossed my arms and glowered at Paige. “I think you’ll just have to tough it out with Ryan and Amir. You dug that hole for yourself.”
“Last night you two said you wanted me.” His eyes were getting wider and more innocent in appearance. Flashes of Gavin filled my vision. It was not a good omen for Paige.
“And we had you. There could have been more to it, but you told Amir and Ryan that nothing happened. Just go back and sleep on the fucking couch. That’s all you’d get here IF we wanted to let you in.” I snarled. Jay was pushing on the door frantically and trying to get out, presumably to let Paige in, but I held it still.
Paige sighed and shook his head. “Bobby, I remember when you were nicer.”
“That was before you started acting like the world’s biggest prick.”
“Maybe it was because I was sick and tired of listening to Jay whine and bitch about how he could never find the right person! Maybe it was because Ryan and Amir didn’t treat me like their therapist! Maybe it was because they had the balls to tell me right out that they liked me! Maybe it was because they didn’t bring home random people every night and then whine about how they left in the morning! Maybe it was because I FUCKING DIDN’T WANT TO PUT UP WITH JAY ANYMORE!!!” he screamed, then burst into louder tears and ran off down the stairs.
When I pushed the door closed, Jay was sitting next to the wall and hugging himself. He stared forward grimly, his eyes turning bloodshot and almost overflowing with suppressed tears. I touched his shoulder gently but he pulled away, running to the kitchen, snagging the bottle of vodka and then going to the bedroom and closing the door. I sighed.
I could dimly remember when Ryan and I had been almost inseparable friends, we did everything together...but that changed after I got married. It was just one more reminder to Ryan that I was older and he found it difficult to relate to anything that I wanted to complain about. So we drifted apart. And he drifted to Paige. But Ryan had never yelled at me or complained about anything that had happened when we were friends. And he had tried to help me through my divorce. I had only a dim idea how it must feel to have your best friend turn foe, because I couldn’t ever think of Shane as anything more than my ex-wife again.Waited fifteen minutes before I checked on Jay. I opened the door to the bedroom slowly. He was lying on his side, embracing the now empty bottle of vodka, fast asleep...well, perhaps he was unconscious. Tears made a bitter trail down his face, I noticed spots of crimson emerging on the bandage. I crept closer and touched my fingers to them. Shit. He had burst the scab while listening to Paige. All I could do was let it scab over again. It seemed like that was all life was, re-opening old wounds and letting them scab over before ripping them open again.
I fell asleep on the newer couch, preferring to leave Jay alone with his grief. Not because I was insensitive, just that I thought he needed to be alone for a while...and I didn’t really want him waking up and immediately feeling guilty for drinking again. I could forgive him for this.
Woke up with something digging into my back. I had the awful thought that perhaps there was a body hidden in the couch and that was why it had been on the curb...but when I reached back to find what it was, I felt plastic. Pulled it out. A baby’s rattle, pink and blue, with a tattered ribbon tied around the handle. Cheaply reproduced imitations of animated children’s show characters cavorted around the ball at the top. I shook it gently. The rattler seemed to have fallen out. Turned it around in my fingers, discovered the hole, as if someone had shot it while it was crossing the street in the war zone. Dug in the couch and found the rattler. Put it back inside and gave it a solemn shake. Death sounded something like that.Gavin had a similar toy.
I walked into the kitchen, still holding it, hoping to perhaps find some tape or something to fix it. Tape happened to be in the same drawer as the scissors. Skirted the scissors and grabbed the tape. All of the pieces of plastic weren’t inside the rattle, so I went and stuck my hand in the couch until I found them all. Spent a few minutes piecing together the puzzle and then taping it back together. Now I had a fully functional rattle that didn’t sound weird when you vibrated it. “Gavin?” I called out. “I’ve got a new toy for you.”
Then I remembered.
Heard footsteps enter the kitchen, but I didn’t want to move. “Bobby!” Jay yelled, slipping on the red stuff that seemed to cover the floor. Wondered idly who had spilled fruit punch. My fingers seemed to be saturated with the stuff. It felt like syrup, but who would drink syrup? The rattle was floating in it, the pink had long since turned a deep crimson, the blue was slowly joining it. Crudely rendered animals drowning while playing ball. Jay kicked it by accident and it skittered off. I couldn’t see what he was doing, only could see what was directly in front of my eyes, and that wasn’t much. The bottom of the refrigerator, the dust mites that seemed to live underneath it, legs of a few of the chairs, then Jay’s toes. “Bobby...” he whispered, “talk to me please. Tell me you’re still alive.” Dimly felt five fingers on my back, two on the pulse on my neck. “Tell me this isn’t my fault.” to himself, choked out.“J..Jay?” I spat out, why was it so hard to talk? I had only slipped and spilled something. Yet the effort to move my head to look up at him was almost overwhelming. Everything was fuzzy and outlined in white blurs. I had to squint to see that he was crying again. “It’s okay..I just slipped. I think I tripped on Gavin’s rattle.” He bit down on his lip and looked at it.
“Bobby...Gavin doesn’t live here. You remember that, don’t you?” he asked softly.
Rolled over onto my back, it was so sticky in here, it felt like everything was melting. A nagging thought was tearing my mind apart, could that be it? “He doesn’t?” The ceiling seemed to be crushing me, I thought I could never breathe again.
“Remember? He lives with Shane now.” Suddenly everything was clear, I was lucid again. Hands scrabbled in the liquid, the liquid that I now knew was blood. Had to get away, oh fuck, what the fuck had I done?! Jay was holding me, Jay was hugging me, never mind the blood that clung to his back, never mind the blood that already crept out of his skin.
“I...I...” began a sentence that I had no intention of finishing. There was a knife floating in the blood, a knife whose handle was bloated and dark with my blood. Actually, there were ten of them, plus every steak knife, and a butter knife that I tried when coherent thought had left. I could see my arm, I could see my stomach, oh shit, I really went insane. There were small cuts, large cuts, huge gaping wounds, and they made no pattern, they were random! That thought seemed so much worse than the actual cuts. Random! I fought against Jay and tried to right myself. The world started to spin.
“I should never have drank anything last night...” he began, examining my arms, my stomach. I don’t think I cut very deeply.
“Gavin!” I sobbed, “I’ll never see him again!”
“If you’ll let me get you into the bathroom, we’ll find a way for you to see him, okay?” he offered, gently easing me into a sitting position. The world was still wobbly...I thought I could see right through Jay, see his soul being eaten away by all the worries. And I was one of them.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...” I cried, grabbing onto his neck with a death grip, burrowing my face into his shoulder. “I’m so stupid.”
He picked me up with some difficulty, favoring his bad side, but he hugged me desperately. “I understand why you did it...I would have too.” he whispered hoarsely. “Just don’t do it again, okay?”