13. “Pride”Shoes, socks, pants....a trail of clothing that was definitely going to be donated led up to the bathtub. Inside, warmth, wet, clean, the smell of hypo-allergenic soap and washed skin. Water splattering on the floor occasionally as distance and speed were gauged inaccurately. Skin on skin contact happened sporadically and was accompanied by frenzied jerks to move away. Eyes downcast, perpetual blushes on pale faces. Insistence on bathing together, even though it presented temptations, even though it meant baring fears to each other. Memories were accompanied by frenzied scrubs at the part of the anatomy that had been touched by enemy lips, fingers, flesh. Toes met in the middle, that kind of touch was allowed, the bathtub did not permit greater distance. In truth, it led to a kind of grounding.
Silence.
Water covered with a soapy film and cooling down to lukewarm. Deserted brown eyes lifted for a moment, begging for more warmth. Reached behind myself and let some of the water out, baring more cursed flesh to light. Legs slammed together and locked by arms until there was room to add more water without spilling over the sides. Shower head lying to the side, gently turned it on to allow for ears to stop hearing the breath of that other, that accepted torturer, that supposed friend turned foe. Trying to rationalize why we each did what we did, why our revenge had to consume them. Glances at the kitchen, the bottle of vodka, the pair of scissors that laid on the table. A last temptation. But if one went, the other would as well, the pain would be spread out evenly.
Eyes closed and sank further back in the water, ignoring the faucet poking into my back. Memories...
Jay clawing at his face to remove every last trace of his satisfaction at Ryan’s abilities, me trying to prod him towards the bathroom so that I could use the thin hotel washcloth to scrub at it. The blood on the comforter, the blood that seemed like it would never stop flowing down his leg. The total refusal to look at each other on the ride home, the bus passengers appearing to realize that something was up and leaving us alone, even though we were sitting in the handicapped seats and elderly women had to stand. Jay huddling in his jacket, trying to cover up his naked chest. Then home, and bathtub, warmth snaking over all.
Tentative touch on my arm, shivers wracked my flesh. Opened my eyes a bit and met his. Devoid of makeup and any illusions of safety, only extreme sadness and guilt. “Jay?” I asked softly. He winced at the sound of his name, the last time he had heard it was in the same sentence as slut, whore, cocksucker. Nail polish chipped again, even though it had been reapplied that morning. Closer examination would have found bits of the sky sticking to Ryan’s sweaty back.“I think...” he began, then stopped, looking at the floor. “I think I know why I let him do that.” Shaking consumed his body. “It wasn’t just for revenge or to protect you.” Long pause as one of his hands went to his face and covered his eyes. “Some part of me just wants to hurt. Not hurt others, just hurt myself. And...and...I still want that.” he whispered. “It’s the only way I know that I’m still alive.”
My fingers went to the line. Some parts of it had healed over, some were still raw where I had picked at them yesterday, trying to forget Amir. “I know what you mean Jay...that’s why I cut myself.” I said. He sighed and his hand fell away from his eyes. No tears trailed their saltiness down his cheeks, but his eyes were red.
“Then...” Brief flare of hope that died almost as soon as it sparked.
“I’m not mad at you. We don’t have to talk about it anymore if you don’t want to.”
He shook his head and rocked back a bit. “I just...” Swallowed, pain evident. “We don’t have to do Paige. I think they’re learned their lesson.”
“If you think that’s what we need to do, that’s fine.” Relief painted across his face, wrinkles across our waterlogged flesh. “Bed?” I asked. He nodded slowly.
Wet skin hit cold air and goose bumps speckled across moles and bruises. Distinct finger shaped marks on our thighs, on his chest, on his neck. Desire to kiss the pain away almost overwhelming each of us, but that seemed somewhat taboo.
Sheets were cold and uninviting, but that was all that came between us and the reality that the whole world was ice, that no one really cared, and it was partly our fault. Hands grabbed frantically for each other, trying to reassure one another that we weren’t alone. Buried my head against Jay’s chest, he rubbed his face into my shoulder. Tangled our legs together. We were together and it seemed like that would be all that kept us going.
Surprisingly, they invited us over the a few days later. Stupidly, we accepted. Ryan opened the door and smiled, acting like nothing had happened. And Jay smiled back, smacking Ryan on the back and joking around as usual. Amir kept on staring at me and shaking his head, as if mourning the loss of what might have been. Paige seemed oblivious.I sat next to Jay, close enough that our bodies touched but it wasn’t apparent to someone who was just glancing at us. Ryan and Amir sat together, both glaring at us and then sneaking looks at Paige to check and see if he’d noticed. “We just asked you over here to find out when you wanted to start working on the next album. Wouldn’t want us to be busy with our solo project, would you?” Paige asked, leaning forward and grinning.
“No...I guess not.” Jay said. Tension strung across us, I felt that we were tied together and the others would tighten the ropes and devour us whole in their disregard. “You can finish your project first. Orgy’s third album isn’t all that important.” I snapped a quick glance at him, what the hell was he saying? He was staring at the floor and ignoring Ryan’s smug look. “I wrote all the songs, but something just doesn’t feel right. I don’t think they’ll work anymore.” Brown shifted up to meet ice blue, Ryan flinched. Amir unconsciously reached for Ryan’s arm, curling their fingers together. Had Amir even told Paige what he had seen?
Paige leaned back in his chair and smiled, patting his lap. Ryan and Amir left their seats to sit on his lap. “Amir, don’t you have something to say to Bobby?” he asked, running his fingers through Amir’s thin hair. He sighed and turned to me.
“I’m sorry about what I did, I guess I was just really impatient for Paige to get back.” He laughed weakly. “I wouldn’t want you to think I’d go with just anyone!” Ryan and Amir’s eyes went right to Jay. Jay was still calm, his hand holding a cigarette quite steady.
“Oh that’s fine Amir...It was just a little unexpected.” I said weakly. Paige hugged Amir tightly and started whispering in his ear. Ryan snuggled down against Paige’s neck and sighed contentedly. The perfect little threesome.
“While we’re sort of on the subject,” Ryan began, smiling evilly, “what do you think about people who just sleep around for the hell of it, with no regard to other people’s feelings? About people who just fuck whoever they please and screw the consequences?” All eyes somehow found their way from the ceiling, the floor, Paige’s ear, to Jay’s face. He was remarkably calm and showed no sign of having registered what Ryan had said.
Paige coughed a bit and Amir instantly cooed sympathetically in his ear. “I couldn’t imagine doing something like that. When I find someone that I love, I don’t cheat. I mean, I haven’t cheated on you guys!” he giggled, hugging Amir and Ryan close. A quick glance between the two in question, sweat dripping down their faces. “And if one of my friends starts doing that, I lose some respect for them, and maybe it makes me think about whether or not I want to keep them as friends.” Jay’s eyes narrowed and he put out the cigarette gently in an ash tray.
“I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in a few minutes, it was nice talking to you.” he said and then pulled me into the hallway and out the front door. Laughter followed us, then the sounds of clothes being discarded and kisses raining down on foundation covered cheeks.
Jay stood on the porch and hugged himself. “I have to get Paige. It’s the only way to stop this.”
I walked up behind him and touched his shoulder gently. “We’ll do it together.”