1. "Jaded""Kill me." I thought as I walked in front of the massive SUV with a driver who looked like she just might make a dash for it and run the stop sign. "Kill me." I mouthed as she stopped short of me and made a frustrated face. "Kill me." I whispered as I reached the sidewalk and heard her racing past behind me.
I thought everyone else had walked ahead. Nobody seemed to care about me anymore, I was just window-dressing, the drummer, the one who married the porn star who left him... Sniffed a bit at that last thought and looked up. Jay was casually lighting a cigarette and pretending that he wasn't waiting for me. He didn't say anything, but I know he had heard what I was whispering. Tendrils of smoke crept up around his nostrils and he sighed, falling in beside me as I tried to catch up to the others.
Everyone else was up ahead and goofing off. Ever since Paige and Ryan decided that Amir would be a great addition to their night life, Jay and I had been shoved to the side. As a result, we started to hang out together more. It was odd, because Jay and I didn't really have all that much in common and he'd never seemed to care much about me before. I guess when your best friend leaves you for someone else, you have to find friends where you can.
We never really said anything to each other, we just sort of kept each other company in an unobtrusive way. But it was nice to know that even when everyone else didn't seem to care, someone did...at least a little.
"I don't know why we even bother hanging out with them anymore." Jay muttered in between drags. Paige, Ryan, and Amir had started goofing off, kissing each other in a frenzy of lust. I put my hands under my arms and sighed. The fact that he had said we instead of I hadn't been lost on me.
"I guess it's just cause we used to be close and they feel guilty about leaving us out."
"They sure don't feel guilty about it now, do they?"
Ryan turned and laughed at us. "Why are you guys taking so long?!" he yelled.
"I had to tie my shoes, okay?!" Jay yelled back. I took a quick glance down. His shoes didn't have laces. Was he trying to cover for me? His face was blank and unreadable.
Ryan snorted in amusement and returned to mauling Amir. Paige joined in soon afterwards. Jay closed his eyes and rubbed at his temples. "Gods, they're going to be at it all night." he mumbled.
"You could always join in." I joked. The look he gave me stopped that. I coughed and looked at the ground. "If you want, you could stay at my apartment tonight. I've got room."
He made a show of considering it. I sighed. Shane had taken everything, the house, the stuff inside the house, Gavin... It was hard to sleep alone at night, knowing no one else was around. For a while Ryan had made an abortive effort to keep me company, but I guess I didn't recover quickly enough for his tastes.
A few puffs later and he opened his mouth to speak. "Sure, I guess I could stay over, if you're sure that's okay with you." he said.
"It's fine. Not like anyone's coming over." I muttered, scratching at my arm. He raised an eyebrow a bit, but didn't pursue it.
At the bar it was pretty much just Jay and I sitting at one side of the booth watching Paige being attacked on both sides by Ryan and Amir. Usually Jay would have said something or acted like a prick, but tonight he was silent, only speaking when spoken to and politely ignoring the spectacle across the booth. Everyone made futile attempts at conversation, attempts that died because it seemed like we had nothing in common anymore. I don't even remember why I had agreed to go bar-hopping with them anyway, the offer was phrased in a way that just said they were only inviting me because they pitied me.The glass in front of me reminded me. Alcohol. I didn't keep too much of it at home because I knew the temptation would be too great to drink myself to death. Actually, maybe that was why Ryan left. Nevermind. But since I was out, I figured I could drink what I wanted. Stared at the liquid in the glass.
Jay seemed to be taking a similar approach. Except he had his head rested on the back of the booth and was staring at the ceiling, anything to avoid seeing Paige. I knew he had liked Paige as more than a friend, but Ryan had made his move first, and then Amir sealed the deal. Paige didn't know. I tried to pretend that I didn't either, but Jay had made it painfully obvious. The restrained looks of disgust that he kept on focusing at them, Amir especially, weren't that hard to miss.
Paige finally pushed Ryan off and onto the floor. "Come on, let's go home!" he giggled, letting Amir ride piggy-back. Ryan snickered and led the way out. They didn't seem to notice Jay and I still sitting in the booth.
"Fuck them." Jay snarled, stabbing out his cigarette. My sentiments mirrored, but I didn't feel like getting into a complaining contest with him.
"They are in love." I said, "Maybe they just forgot." But I knew that was a stupid excuse and didn't expect much of an answer.
I heard some strange noise come from him, and he immediately covered it up by coughing. However, I recognized the wet spots around his eyes, the way that his mascara was running just a little bit. That was me, that was what I did right after Shane left, what I felt like doing everyday. He rubbed his hand over his eyes and smiled a bit to try and cover it up, but I knew he was fucked up. Why else would he make some half-assed excuse to go to the bathroom?
Decided to ignore it. While he was gone, I rolled up my left sleeve and ran my fingers over the line of ridges, small triangles of lust. Scissors were at home, maybe I could cut a few tonight without Jay noticing... But if I had noticed him crying, then he was sure to notice me bleeding.
Sighed. I wished that woman had run the stop sign and over me. That would have solved things so simply. No one would have to know it was suicide...it would just have been a tragic accident, road rage even. Smiled as I imagined it. I had no fear of death anymore. It was just a matter of finding the opportunity to let it find me.
"Can we go?" Jay asked, his voice still a shade bit too husky. He wouldn't meet my eyes and kept on looking at the ceiling obsessively.
"Sure." I said, rolling down my sleeve.
We walked outside in silence. He was sniffling, but I said nothing, choosing to accept his explanation of it being a cold instead of the truth. Then we were back at the intersection from earlier. A truck with music blaring and about five more people that would fit in it was coming up, the driver glaring at us. I recognized the signs of an impatient driver, but started to go out into the street anyway. Jay pulled on my arm and shook his head. Damn. Had he noticed?"Not tonight." he whispered. They zoomed on past, having not even slowed down. I cursed my missed chance. He met my eyes and grinned a secretive little grin. "Maybe tomorrow."