2. "Bare"He threw his bag on the floor and flopped on the couch. A cheap couch I had bought from an ad in the newspaper, only $50 for some upholstered springs. I wished that I cared about quality now, but I had long since given up on that. Quality had a tendency to leave. I laughed and sat next to him. "What the hell do you keep in that anyway?"
"Not much." He pulled it onto his lap and dug in it for a moment. Heard the jangling as he shifted things about. "Just the essentials." A bottle of vodka that he produced and soon took a swig out of. He offered it to me but I shook my head. A shrug and then it went back in the bag.
"Sometimes that's the only thing that keeps me going." he said softly, starting to light another cigarette. "Since Paige..." He stopped and put the cigarette back. "Fuck him anyway." Red crept up his face as he realized that he had admitted to me that he liked him. "Forget you heard that."
I didn't say anything. Eventually Jay would talk about it. He couldn't resist a captive audience. And I wouldn't mind listening, since it would take my mind off my own problems. But it didn't seem like tonight would be it. He slumped back into the couch and sighed, rolling his eyes closed. I hadn't paid much attention to how much he'd been drinking, but as I heard him start to snore softly, I guessed it was enough.
This was my opportunity.
The scissors were in the drawer where they belonged. I wouldn't dare move them, because then it would be like a whole ritual thing. No, this was just me, cutting myself with scissors. Not me, cutting myself with scissors after lighting candles and making sure all the windows were closed and checking the stars to see if the time was right. Rolled up my sleeve again. There were about twenty little arrows pointing at my heart. All in a straight line, the distance between them negligible. Sometimes I went back over, trying to make sure that the line was symmetrical, but tonight I wanted new blood.Hard orange plastic handles, semi-dull blades, no trace of earlier attempts. I opened the scissors slowly, savoring the brief time between opening and cutting. I didn't want to open them too wide, because then it had a line effect, no, this just had to be like pinching my skin. Put them underneath the last arrow and sighed. This was where I had originally stopped. But once I was so messed up I did it. And I couldn't go back after that, no matter how much I tried. I was not addicted to this, I wasn't. I just wanted to hurt myself, I could live without it.
Pinched. Oh shit it felt so bad, the pressure just built up, I felt like puking, then it sliced through. Relief, blessed relief. For a few moments it didn't bleed and I stared at it, wondering if I would have to cut again. Jay wouldn't stay asleep for long, he was in an uncomfortable position. Finally some red. Light red that soon darkened as it flowed down my arm. I sucked at it gently, savoring the metallic taste. This was when I was at my most vulnerable. Pulled away and looked at the smile. It was still bleeding. I sighed and went to the bathroom. I must have nicked a vein or a capillary or something. Didn't care.
Band-aid went over it smoothly, molding to my flesh. Stupidly I had bought the kind that peeled off almost by itself right after being opened. Well, it only had to stay on until the blood clotted.
Went back into the living room and found a blanket for Jay, who snorted in confusion and then fell back into his deep sleep. Somehow I felt an indescribable rage at Paige, who had reduced Jay to an alcoholic who had to run away from his own house to stay at some shitty apartment with someone he didn't know very well. Fuck, I really didn't need to start thinking like that.
My bed was a double, much against my preferences, I didn't need to be reminded that someone wasn't there to share it with me. But it was free, someone had thrown the frame out by the side of the highway and the mattress was just one I scavenged from the junk yard. It scared me how adept I was becoming at acting like a miser. I hoped someone would notice if I started saving my urine.
Took of my shirt and slid into bed. I was too tired and probably too drunk to do much else. Instead of sleeping I stared at the ceiling. After Shane left I pretty much just went to the shittiest apartment building I could find that was in a "safe" area and plunked down my money for it. Couldn't say that I regretted it all that much. It matched my mood. The paint had chipped in random spots, it seemed like it was water damage, but there were at least two floors above this one, and the bathrooms were in different places.
I must have dozed off, because I opened my eyes and Jay was standing in the doorway looking uncomfortable. "It's too cold." he whined, his eyes shining pitifully in the darkness.Sighed and moved over from the middle so he could lay down. He smiled gratefully. "I guess I drank too much." he slurred, giggling slightly. Such a change from earlier when he was almost bawling. He pulled off his shirt and found his way under the covers.
"I thought you said you were cold." I said.
"I was." He laid back and stared up at the ceiling. "Now I'm not."
I sighed and curled up facing away from him. He sighed in response and started gnawing on his fingers. "Paige is a jerk." he whispered.
"I thought he was your friend."
"Friends don't just..." he trailed off and continued to chew on his fingers.
"What did he do?" Had to play ignorant.
"He didn't do anything...it was Amir and Ryan. Fucking assholes." he snarled. "Ryan knew that I liked Paige. Stupid fucker made his move first." Pause. Bed shifted as he turned to look at me. "You don't think Paige knows, do you?"
I turned to face him. "If Paige knew, I don't think he'd be carrying on the way he is." Jay nodded slowly and swallowed.
"Am I really that awful?" he whispered.
"No Jay, you're not! I mean, most of it's just an act, right?" I asked. He kneaded at the blanket and sniffled again. This was so weird, he almost never came unhinged like this. I patted his shoulder gently, he moved forward a bit and hugged me. Again, I resorted to patting his back while he tried to gain control of himself. "Why don't you go to sleep? I'm sure things'll look better in the morning." But he was already asleep.
I disentangled him from me, taking care not to jostle him more than necessary as I picked his arm up from around me and laid it on the bed between us. Veins and tendons jutted out, I had never realized how many there were until I looked at his. His nail polish was chipping, probably a result of his general laziness. He bought cheap polish to start with, and then he just let it gradually chip off. I looked at my own nails. Still black, still chipped off in random spots because I, like Jay, was lazy and just settled for cheap brands. Now more than ever.
My own arm was just there, a lump of flesh. The arrows were inflamed and red, more because of their new companion than anything else. I sighed and closed my eyes. Maybe sleep would take me away from here. Jay's small mutterings told me that it wasn't helping him.