4.The smoke swirled into miniature tornados above my head. If I had been less on edge I might have blown smoke rings. But I had never really mastered the technique and it required more concentration than I wanted to give right at that moment.
The football field stretched out behind the portables. I could see a few bits of pockmarked turf where someone had taken an especially brutal impact and either waltzed off the field with injured head held high or bawling like a baby. A bit of a wooded area followed that, then a busy street. Some of the various potheads would wander out into the middle of the street and get run over. But no one died. It seemed that the marijuana protected them from everything except serious injuries and paralyzation. The administration had decided to cut down a bit of the forest and make a prairie for the biology kids to burn every once in a while in order to pretend they were environmentally conscious. Actually it was there so that the drivers had a chance to see the stoned kids before they hit them.
After I took another deep drag I noticed a shadow above me. Looked up and met Bobby�s caramel eyes. �Hi.� I said weakly. He smiled a bit. There was something in his eyes that I was sure I had seen somewhere else, with someone else, but it didn�t matter.
Before I knew it he had me pinned against the back of the portable and was kissing me as deeply as he could. I smelled the mold that grew on the bottom of the portables, my glasses were digging into my nose, his hands were holding me in place. I grabbed onto him as tightly as I could, pulling him closer. His lips were soft and supple, I could taste a bit of his almost invisible lip gloss as I opened my mouth a bit.
He had me pinned and I tried to pretend that it wasn�t turning me on, but in truth I just wanted to be naked and alone with him. Kissing was enough for now, I kept on telling myself, his brother had just killed himself. One of Bobby�s hands left the building and touched my chest. Mine slid down his back to where his pants and shirt met. He jumped a bit as I felt his skin. Warm and secretive, smooth and perfect.
�A...am I interrupting something?� my teacher from last semester asked, coughing. Fuck! Lunch was over. Bobby hopped off and sort of ran away. I just sat there and stared blearily at all of the kids who were waiting for the teacher to unlock the portable. Their faces told me that it wouldn�t just be overlooked.
�I feel sick...can I call my mom and have her pick me up?� I asked the nurse, trying to keep from totally breaking down in front of her. Normally she was supposed to ask some questions to keep kids from just going home for no good reason at all, but I must have looked bad enough that she didn�t bother with the questions on the laminated sheet by the phone.�Just write your name down there, okay? Is it your stomach?� she asked. I nodded, keeping the same facial expression. �When your mom gets here she�ll have to excuse you from the rest of the day.� I nodded again and slumped over to dial my mom�s work number. She worked at another school doing something in the offices that I never fully understood.
After getting the secretary to connect me to the right extension, my mom answered. �Mom, can you come pick me up? I feel sick.� I said softly, trying to ignore all the gaping stares from the people walking past in the hallway. Why they had put the nurse�s office off the most busy hallway I�ll never understand.
�Of course, I�ll be over there in ten minutes, okay?� she said, her voice taking on the concerned mother hen tone.
I spent the rest of the day in my room trying to keep from smashing everything in it. Why did I keep falling for stupid little traps?! It was obvious that he had only been leading me on so that I�d look like an idiot again. I was so fucking glad that it was my last year in that place. I never wanted to go back again. I couldn�t go back and face all the scorn and scrutiny.Yet all that I remembered was Bobby kissing me and how perfect it had felt. I just wanted to replay that part of my life over and over again.
Stared out the window at his. No lights came on the entire night.
I stayed home from school the next day. Even Bobby�s reasoning that that was what had been my undoing the first time wasn�t enough to make me go back and face all of their stares. My parents didn�t say anything because I said it was my stomach and there was no way they could disprove me. I just watched TV until my brain rotted.
Someone had written just about every homophobic epithet they could think of on my locker. My fingers traced over the ballpoint pen and scarred paint before clicking the combination. I remembered my locker from the time when Ryan had smashed my world. They had to repaint it twice that year...then they just sort of gave up and let the abuse overwhelm the surrounding lockers. A few people stood around and gaped like I was going to do something drastic like kill myself or them.�Look, he actually came back. I heard Fernandez just went up to him to ask for a homework assignment and he practically mauled him.�
�Geez, taking advantage of a guy like that especially when his brother died like he did.�
�Well, you know how he is...after what he did to Ryan it�s not that unexpected.�
I just grabbed my books, put them in my backpack, and shrank into myself.
The teachers kept on looking up from their lectures and focusing on me like I would start crying in the middle of class and shoot them all or something. One of them kept on calling on me, only saying �Gay� instead of �Jay�. The announcements made mention that a psychologist would be on call to talk with people who had problems relating to others. Or just plain emotional issues period.
I hid underneath a stairwell during lunch and ate as quietly as I could. Finding Bobby was never an option. Just wanted to punch him for what he had done. At the thought my hand clenched, then slackened. As much as I was mad at him, I didn�t really want to hurt him. Maybe he was just trying to show me how it felt to be the center of attention. I sighed. This wasn�t the kind of attention I wanted or needed right now. And I had been through it all before. I didn�t need it again.
I ran out of school once the bell rang. Screw going back to my locker and getting my stuff. It could stay there and decompose for all I cared.
Even though I was mad at him, I did check the tree for a note. And it was a hefty one, twelve pages. The temptation to just throw it in the overflowing garbage cans in front of their house was almost overwhelming, but I saw the shiny edge of a photograph sticking out from one of the pages.
I shook off my mom as I went up to my room and locked the door. I didn�t need her hovering worry, even if it was sort of justified. My fingers touched the edge of the photograph but I didn�t dare take it out unless it revealed something like Fabio�s corpse. Or maybe it was gloating over what he had done.
�Longing
tugs at heart pulls
on tender weak arteries
eating into brain�I almost just tore the whole thing up. He couldn�t possibly mean it, he couldn�t possibly love me and then do what he had done. But the next paragraph stopped me. �I�m sorry, I didn�t think that kissing you would make you go away. I honestly didn�t realize that people were around us and...I don�t know. Everyone kept on calling me �Fabio�, even teachers who�d never had Fabio in their class. I guess I just wanted to be with someone who knew that I was Bobby, that I wasn�t my brother, no matter how much we looked alike. Someone who knew who I was. I didn�t realize that everyone would take it the wrong way and assume that it was you who was kissing me. I will tell everyone I can that it was ME who kissed you, that I was the one who started it, that it wasn�t your fault. I don�t want to lose you as a friend. We can pretend that it never happened.�
The rest of the pages slid to the floor and I sank back onto my bed. Fuck... It would have been easier had he betrayed me.
All the other pages were just computer print outs of famous paintings, Pre-Raphaelites, old Masters, Impressionists. They were a mixture of bleak landscapes and sort of romantic shots of knights handing flowers to ladies. And then the last, Ophelia floating in a river surrounded by floating blossoms. If I stared at it long enough her hair started to recede and her facial structure rearranged until I saw Bobby among the flowers.
Finally there was the photograph. It was a bit older, maybe from a few years ago. Bobby stared out from the context of some enforced family vacation. Fabio could be seen dimly in the background, they were on a beach or something. Mists had obscured Fabio from vision, like he was a ghost already. Bobby stared intently out at the viewer, only his upper body could be seen. He was wearing a black T-shirt washed until it had turned dark grey. His skin shone with a sheen that could have been sweat or just accumulated condensation from sitting so close to the water. Teeth that were borderline orthodontist cases poked out a bit from a half-smiling mouth. I sighed and let it fall to the floor with the rest. It was only when the picture flopped over that I noticed the little note on the back.
�My parents said it was okay if you wanted to come over and watch TV some time. They�re actually going to let me see someone alone for once.� In contrast to the rest of his letter, where his hand-writing was pretty controlled, this was a bit more sporadic, as if he had dashed it off right before putting it in the tree.
I found him in the cafeteria during lunch the next day. Everyone seemed to be avoiding us both, keeping us in a little bubble. Vague whispering followed me, something to the fact that Bobby was weird for wanting me and even weirder for pursuing his affection during school. I didn�t care as long as there wasn�t anything new on my locker, I was fine.He smiled a bit when I sat down across from him, but the smile soon faded as the reality sank in. �You got my letter then.�
I nodded. �Am I still allowed to come over?�
�Yeah, it�s weird...my parents actually want me to have friends over and stuff.� I didn�t say anything because it would probably come out wrong and offend him. �So...um...is Friday okay?�
Normally I would have checked with my parents first because otherwise they�d freak...my mom had this thing about everything being all planned out and outlined before I could go anywhere, but I sensed that she�d make an exception for Bobby. �Sure, that�s okay with me. But...isn�t it a bit too soon?� I ventured.
He sighed. �My parents suggested it. I think a doctor told them that I needed more outlets or something.� There was an awkward pause before he touched my hand hesitantly. �I...I guess I�ll see you then. You can walk home with me.�
�Your mom doesn�t drive you...� stopped as I realized that she hadn�t been in school for a while and a semi-permanent substitute had replaced her. He saw that I understood and said nothing. �Yeah, I�ll walk home with you.� He got up and left, smiling a bit and walking with a bit more energy in his step.