A/N: This fic is inspired by the film and novel, The Virgin Suicides. Having read or seen that is not required.
SILENT ANGEL
The ambulance came early that morning. Fabio had tried to drown himself in the bathtub after overdosing on sleeping pills. I watched from my house across the street as they rolled him out on a stretcher, I imagined that his eyes were focused on my window, like he could see me spying on him. On their house. After a few seconds his parents followed him out, his mom crying as his dad held her back, she wanted to ride to the hospital with him. Fabio�s brother, Bobby, hovered in the doorway like a spectre of darkness.
He was looking at me too.
Everyone gossiped about it, Bobby was the one who was supposed to kill himself. Fabio was happy, popular, he had a girlfriend...but in name only. Fabio and Bobby weren�t allowed to date. They weren�t allowed to do much of anything. And they were deluded enough to think that following their parents� directions was going to engender trust and give them more freedom. All it led to was their growing up in a bubble. They were identical so of course they had to dress alike. I could tell the difference, I had lived across the street from their family ever since I�d been born. Bobby and my rooms faced each other on the second floors of our respective houses. Sometimes I�d catch small glimpses of him, but I never sought out any stimulation from his form there. We lived our lives for the most part with no contact between us.Bobby was the suicidal one...perhaps in name alone. He would open the window in his room and sit on the sill as if contemplating falling. He was more rebellious than Fabio...his parents forbade anything that might make them look homosexual or depressed. So no black, none of the lipgloss that was passing through guy�s hands like a new form of currency. It had become hip to be androgynous. Their parents didn�t understand the reasoning, they only saw difference and were afraid. Once Bobby bleached some chunks of his hair blonde in the bathrooms during lunch...the next day he came to school with huge bald spots where one or the other of his parents had ripped away the hair.
They both went right home after school. Their mom was one of the English teachers for our grade, if they had tried to skip out on her she would have picked up on it instantly. As a result, no one wanted to visit them at home, and they lived for the most part with no contact with the outside world except for the brief hours when they were at school.
The night of the day Fabio tried to kill himself I found my eyes drawn to Bobby�s window, his hovering form on the sill. Would he try to do himself in too? Was it a suicide pact? All I could see was him sitting there, holding one of the cigarettes he�d begged me for earlier. He raised it up in gratitude before lighting it. I colored even though he couldn�t possibly see me. Remembered how he had asked.Usually during lunch I�d go behind one of the portables and smoke. I�d just turned eighteen a few weeks before, and even though now no one could yell at me for breaking the law, I still savored it like a guilty pleasure. Nobody bothered me here except if I stayed too long and the teacher got back from his lunch break. Then he�d tell me to move somewhere else, whining about how the smoke stunk up his portable. I had had his class the semester before...he had had no qualms about lighting incense and stinking up his portable with that. So when I saw a form hovering above me, I instantly assumed it was the teacher.
Looked up. Chocolate brown eyes bored holes into my cheeks. Spikes apparently met the criteria for an appropriate school hair style, as did the nondescript navy blue shirt he was wearing. He had his head cocked and was looking at me like I was one of the fetal pigs we�d had to dissect in Biology two years before. He�d been my partner, I remembered with a spark of insight. He had done it all mechanically, as if the pig fetus was nothing more than a machine we were taking apart to see how it worked.
I pretended it didn�t phase me how he sort of kept on frowning at me. Took a deep drag on my cigarette and sighed. �What is it? I can�t be bothering you with the smoke, can I?� I asked, shifting my glasses a bit. I knew that I needed them, indeed, sometimes I even forgot that I wore them, but now they only seemed an encumbrance.
�You live across the street from me, don�t you?� he asked. I nodded. He sat down next to me and sighed. �Could I have a few cigarettes then? My last pack ran out, and it�ll be a while before my parents leave the house and I can�t steal any of theirs. They count them.�
I handed them to him slowly, one of his fingers touched mine for a second and I felt him shudder. �Sure...but if they smoke, why would they care if you do?�
He laughed and made a face. �Their opinion is that their lungs are already destroyed, we shouldn�t follow in their paths...blah blah blah. They don�t realize that we�ve been inhaling the same shit they have for years. Smart, handsome young men don�t smoke. And so Fabio doesn�t.� Bobby put the cigarettes in one of the pockets of his backpack. I guess his parents hadn�t resorted to searching them yet.
�Why�d you ask me anyway? I�m not the only smoker here.� I said, gesturing to the others who were much more approachable than I was. He smiled.
�Jay, we were biology partners in that class with all the popular kids.� He said my name like he had made a point of remembering it for two years. I tried to avoid gaping at him. We had had little to no contact after that, I couldn�t even remember the names of half the kids in my classes, let alone the ones in our neighborhood. So to know that he had almost memorized mine was almost a compliment. He got up like he was going to leave.
�Hey.� I said quietly, hoping he wouldn�t hear. But I hadn�t judged the distance right and he was close enough to hear me. I looked at the ground. �Um...if you ever need cigarettes, I�ll get them for you.� I offered, mentally kicking myself.
He smiled. �Thanks, I appreciate it.� he said, then went off to class while the bell started to ring.
As I stared at him now, with the blue tinted lights of his room behind him, he almost looked like a bird about to take flight. When he leaned over suddenly my gaze instantly shifted to the front lawn. Had he done it? No...he had only bent over to pick up a book. He leaned against one side of the window and read it quietly, occasionally looking over my way. I would have loved to have just sat there and stared at him, but homework beckoned. Grades were almost something tangible, little pieces of paper that validated my existence. And I had the feeling that they were important to Bobby too. Why else would he be reading the assignment for English on a Friday night?
He sat alone at lunch the next school day...usually Fabio would sit with him and there�d be an accompanying entourage, but today it was just Bobby. A calculus book laid open in front of him like he was going to do the homework, but he wasn�t. He was staring at me. I was torn between thinking it was because I had given him cigarettes, seen Fabio wheeled out yesterday afternoon, or because he had some latent interest in me. Usually I sat alone anyway, my friends were the kind that left when public situations where they had to interact with me outside of class arose. So I got up and took my crap over to where he was. He only nodded as I slid onto the seat in front of him.Then reality sank in...why was he even in school? His brother had tried to kill himself yesterday, his mom was absent today...he should have been too. Yet his eyes showed no signs of crying. Was it possible that they had already discussed it and he was prepared...or did he hate his brother?
�Uh...how�s Fabio?� I began. He laughed, snorted really and sighed, running his fingers over the pages of his textbook.
�He�ll live.� he said. No emotion.
�Why did you come to school though? Everyone probably feels so sorry for you that they wouldn�t expect you to.� I said before I really thought about it. He shrugged.
�Someone has to preserve the family honor.� His eyes were so compelling...I found myself lost in them, not really listening to anything that anyone else was saying. �If I�m still in class, they can pretend that nothing happened. They already whisper about me, what�s one more rumor?�
I nodded. I had already heard it from my teachers, the squawky announcement, the little note to bring home to parents that was sealed shut but which everyone pried open. The xeroxed sheet that was folded almost in three parts that outlined suicide statistics and encouraged parents to talk to their children, to note any changes in behavior. The whispered comments in class, that Bobby should have done it, he wouldn�t have failed. I wondered if they did it in front of him as well. �I�m s...� I began.
�Don�t be. We�re not close, despite appearances. I mean, he told me he was gonna do it a few days ago so I wouldn�t get all upset. But what�s there to get upset about? He tried to escape and it failed.� I sighed and ran my fingers over the yellowed apple in my lunch. His voiced nihilism was so attractive.
�Would you do the same thing?� I found myself asking.
He sighed and ripped the crust off of his sandwich and ate it slowly. �If the opportunity presented itself. Wouldn�t you? It�s escape.� I didn�t say anything for a while and continued eating. When I looked up next his eyes were red and a tear dribbled down his cheek. I watched as it traced down his cheek and then slipped down his neck to disappear into parts unknown. I was always uncomfortable around crying people, I never knew what to do. �Sorry, I didn�t mean it like that.�
I sighed and covered my face with my hand. The frames of my glasses dug into my temple. �It�s okay...I mean, you�re going through some tough shit right now.�
He laughed. �What�s funniest is they thought that Fabio was the happy one.� He stood up and walked away, leaving his lunch bag behind. For the first time I noticed that it said Fabio instead of Bobby. I picked it up and realized there was something inside. Dumped it into my hand. It was a small piece of aluminum foil wrapped around something. As I peeled away the foil I realized it was an anti-depressant. Stared after Bobby�s retreating slouching form. Was it his or Fabio�s?